She Comes First, by Ian Kerner is a great educational tool. It is an explicit guide to help men successfully give a woman an orgasm. His audience is really the inexperienced male partner. Thus the title, She Comes First, the thinking man’s guide to pleasuring a woman. The book is modeled after another book by Strunk and White, Elements of Style, which explores and explains how to become a better writer. This book explores and explains how to be a better lover. Sounds good, right? It is!
I always tell my patients that everyone has to learn about sex at some point, whether as a teenager or later on in life. We all have to start the education process somewhere. Sometimes people have a lot of shame about their lack of experience or their partner’s lack of experience and they don’t know where to go or what to do to get better. I always suggest for both men and women to start with oneself. The first step is always to understand your anatomy, experiment and explore. But how do you learn about a partner whose anatomy and responses may be so different from your own? Experimentation and exploration with a partner go a long way too. And there are several resources that can get you and your partner to the good parts sooner. This is exactly what Kerner’s book does. It explains both the female anatomy and the necessary techniques, including diagrams, to make the details of how to pleasure a woman simple and straightforward.
Kerner spends a great deal of time explaining the benefits of oral sex for women. He states that with Freud, the myth that vaginal intercourse was superior became ubiquitous and since that time, men and women have been incorrectly focused on a vaginal orgasm which most women actually don’t have. Kerner accurately redirects all parties towards clitoral stimulation which is far more effective in bringing a woman to orgasm. Kerner believes the best way to stimulate the clitoris when involved in sexual activity is oral sex. He has lots of research to back up this premise but any woman will concur, clitoral stimulation is what should be highlighted above vaginal penetration when trying to pleasure a woman. At the Center we recommend vibrators but the method of stimulation is secondary to the actual practice of doing it.
Though Kerner is not focused on the emotional aspect of sexuality, he does touch on the importance of a connection between partners. He also spends a bit of time on how much trust and intimacy is involved in these sexual acts and that supporting and reassuring ones’partner goes a long way towards creating a better sexual experience for both parties. This is a great book for anyone looking to understand more about the female sexual response. It is the perfect way to improve one’s skills. I highly recommend it.