Sex and mind reading.

“It’s like he can read my mind.”

When it comes to relationships, we’ve all heard these words. Whether we said it ourselves or heard it from a friend gushing about a relationship, the ideal of a partner reading our minds is one that many women hope for and value in a dynamic.

The notion of mind-reading in a relationship is appealing on many levels. It makes partners feel like they are intricately connected; like they are two halves of the same whole. It eliminates the need to be vulnerable in opening up. It removes the necessity of making needs known, something which many women struggle with as caretakers.

But the reality is that most people are not mind-readers, and the expectation of mind-reading is not only unrealistic but can be detrimental to relationships and cause conflict.  This issue especially manifests when it comes to having a satisfying sexual experience with a partner.

Movies and fantasy tend to depict a sexual experience where the partners intuitively know what feels good for the other one, but in real life that is often not the case. For most couples, developing a sexual dynamic entails patience and communication- verbal or non-verbal- regarding what is pleasurable. Similar to two musicians who are meeting for the first time, it may take time and practice for them to work harmoniously together and adapt to each others strengths and preferences.

Having to communicate with a partner regarding sexual pleasure does not automatically mark a relationship as inadequate or abnormal. On the contrary, it is normal and par for the course, and should be embraced as an integral part of constantly improving the relationship.

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