We had a patient today who told us that her sex life had improved significantly but that sometimes she just wanted more. I pushed her a bit to talk about what “more” was for her and she struggled with the answer. Finally she sighed. “I guess, like, sometimes I want more orgasms.”
I looked at her in surprise. “Have you told your partner?”
“No. Not really”
“Why?”
“I don’t know.” She looked confused. “I guess…” her voice trailed off. “I guess it sounds so selfish to want more than one orgasm. I always think that when he’s done, I should be done. And I guess asking for more feels unreasonable and egotistical.”
Well, here’s the deal: good sex involves sometimes being selfish and egotistical! That doesn’t mean you should only be thinking about yourself. You should absolutely be thinking about your partner and what will make him/her feel wonderful…but you should ALSO be thinking about yourself and what you need and communicating that to your partner.
Women don’t say what they want because they are uncomfortable asking for things, because they are embarrassed by wanting, because they are embarrassed by the language. Women often don’t ask for things because they feel like they should be satisfied with “good enough.”
In my experience, partners want to know what you want! They want to make you happy and they want to know what feels good to you.
If you need to feel better, just try reversing the situation. Would you feel good knowing your partner secretly wanted something and was too embarrassed to tell you? Wouldn’t you want to know?
So, here’s my advice.
If you want something in bed (or in the shower, or on the living room floor), ask for it!!