Now that I have your attention, let me explain. I know that at first glance this seems like the opposite of good advice, but I’m here with the hot take that to have better sex you need to get rid of foreplay. Now, to clarify, I don’t think we should be getting rid of the actions involved in foreplay, rather, I’m advocating for getting rid of the false distinction between foreplay and sex. A lot of foreplay is sex, and it should be called as such. I’ve written about this before, but we need to change what comes to mind when we think about sex. A lot of people hear the word “sex” and think of intercourse. Obviously this isn’t wrong, but it misses so much of what sex can be. The majority of people with vulvas cannot orgasm from intercourse alone, so relegating oral sex and fingering to “foreplay” (which is often skipped) might mean that people aren’t getting the stimulation they need and want. So when we talk about sex, let’s talk about all of the types of sex. And when we talk about foreplay, let’s talk about the things that turn us on, but aren’t necessarily sex.
Ok, I’ll get off my soapbox now and switch to actually providing some tips to help get your body (and brain) in the mood.
Shower with your partner: spending quality, relaxing (and naked) time with your partner can help you destress (which helps getting you in the right mindset for sex), and also help you get turned on. Is there anything sexier than getting a naked massage from your partner?
Focus on “non-sexual touch”: touch each other’s bodies, but explore areas that might not typically be considered erogenous zones. Take your time with each other.
Makeout: I feel like as we get older we focus less and less on kissing, which can be a wonderful way of being intimate with a partner. You can concentrate on each other’s lips, or roam around (neck and thigh kisses can be pretty hot).
Do a sex worksheet: the internet is full of sex-checklists that you can do with our without your partner. Not only are these great ways of communicating with your partner about what you do and don’t like, but talking about all the sexy things you want to do with and to your partner can be an excellent way to get turned on.
Sext: this can be another great way of getting in the mood without actually touching your partner. Getting turned on is as much about getting your brain ready as your body, and sexting can help get you into that headspace.