Are you done when he’s done?

It happened again today. A patient told me she was enjoying sex with her husband but that sometimes it was a little bit frustrating. When I asked her to explain she said “Well sometimes I don’t orgasm before he does or sometime I do orgasm before we have intercourse but then he has an orgasm and he’s done and it’s over. But meanwhile, I’ve gotten turned on again from intercourse and I want another orgasm but it’s over.” Really? It’s over when he’s had an orgasm?

The thing is, I’ve heard this from numerous women. Sex is over when their partner has had his orgasm. Really? Who says it’s over when he’s done? Is that the great cosmic sex advisor in the sky or under the bed for that matter? WHO SAYS?

Why is his orgasm so very important that it defines the end of the sexual encounter?

When I’m not being snarky or irritated, I suppose that idea probably comes from one of the following:

  1. We live in a world where more men have orgasms than women and so it is assumed that men will have orgasms and women won’t.
  2. It’s more obvious when a man has an orgasm than when a woman does.
  3. Men often complain of getting hit with a wave of exhaustion after their orgasm and they get sleepy.
  4. Women often don’t feel entitled in life so they don’t feel entitled about this either.

But the bottom line is it’s simply not true.

And the more people can appreciate that, the better their sex lives will be. Sex is over when both people feel like it should be over (or when your 2 year old pokes her head over your bed and says “whatcha doing?” but that is subject for another blog post).

So here is my advice to women who think sex is over when he is “finished” whether or not they feel done:

  1. Talk to yourself. Say something like “I am an equal partner in this sexual experience. If he wasn’t finished I wouldn’t roll over and go to sleep, would I? So it’s reasonable to expect that I feel happy and satisfied too before we call it quits.”
  2. Talk to your partner sometime when you are NOT having sex. Say something like: “honey, you know I think we have a really good sex life, but sometimes I feel like I’m not quite finished when you are and then I feel guilty asking for more.” Usually, men are happy that you’ve told them so that they can fix the problem.
  3. Remember that even if he’s totally exhausted and spent, he can still lie there stroking you or talking to you and you can give yourself another orgasm with your hand or a vibrator or however you usually do it.
  4. Remember that he probably likes watching you have an orgasm so it’s not like you’re asking him to get out of bed and take out the garbage!!
  5. But most important, remember always that YOU ARE ENTITLED TO SEX THAT MAKES YOU FEEL HAPPY AND CONTENTED.

When both people are happy with the sex, then it’s really over.