Most women don’t feel comfortable sharing their sexual fantasies. In fact, many say they don’t even have them. There is some notion that one should fantasize about their boyfriend or husband only, and that fantasies should be fairly tame and not involve anything out of the ordinary. In fact, the beauty of a fantasy is that 1. no one ever has to know about it, including your partner and 2. it is just a fantasy and therefore can include anything you want; same sex, many individuals…really anything you dream up is valid. A fantasy is not about what you would actually like to have or do, it is about finding the most pleasure sexually.

Many women get stuck when trying to fantasize because they feel self-conscious. They may ask themselves:

  • Am I normal?
  • Where do my sexual fantasies come from?
  • What do my sexual fantasies mean?
  • If they are upsetting what can I do about them?
  • Can fantasies enhance or improve my sex life?

These questions are from the book, “Private Thoughts”, by Wendy Maltz and Suzie Boss. They are great questions and I think many women have grappled with them at some point. In my practice at the Center I repeatedly see what a big impact fantasies (or the lack of fantasies) can have on a woman’s sexuality. Arousal can start in several places, for some it starts in the mind and for others it starts in the body. Typically, if a woman is having difficulty with desire, arousal and/or orgasm I suggest that she work on her fantasy life. There are many ways to go about that but ultimately the best thing to do is simply pay attention to what turns you on and don’t edit it and don’t judge it…just enjoy it. And if you are having concerns about your fantasies, find a good therapist to speak to about them. If you are having difficulty getting interested in sex, begin to pay attention to what you like because that is the first step towards implementing it in some way that might make your sex life better.

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