Yesterday we saw a wonderful patient of ours. She originally came in because she felt like “there was something wrong with her.” She was having a difficult time having orgasms and, more often than not, she could not have them with a partner.
We’ve worked with her for a while to help her understand that most women don’t have an orgasm from intercourse; and that if having an orgasm with a vibrator was the best way for her do so, she shouldn’t feel badly about feeling good! We’ve also tried to help her have orgasms more easily since it really did seem like there were physiological reasons that she might be having a difficult time.
Two days ago she was in our office and told us she was dating a new man who was interested in having sex with her. She was turned on and excited about the idea of having sex with him but nervous that she’d have problems with orgasm with him. She needed advice… and her therapist told her a)not to come clean with him about her orgasm concerns and b) “maybe you can just fake it in the beginning so that you don’t have an issue!!!!”
I almost fell off my chair.
She loves her therapist and I’m sure her therapist is good for her in some ways. (Okay, maybe not… who know?) But I do know that this could not have been a worse suggestion. Lying in this way just creates so many problems in the long run and in no way sets the stage for a normal, healthy sexual interaction.
Here’s the RIGHT answer:
Before you get involved in sex with him, talk to him. Tell him:
- You feel anxious because sometimes you have a problem with orgasm in a relationship.
- The easiest way for you to have an orgasm is with a vibrator, and at some point you may want to bring that into the relationship.
- In the meantime, you hope he can understand that you really want to have sex with him and he turns you on but it would really help if he didn’t focus on orgasm so strongly. You will have fun anyway.
Our hope is that, ultimately, they’ll have great sex, she can bring her vibrator in to the room and have great orgasms and all will be right with the world. We believe this can happen. If, that is, you start out being honest and open from that very first intimate encounter.