Talking during sex — a two part blog entry.

I often hear of couples who seem mismatched when it comes to talking during sex. One of them really enjoys verbal interchanges when they are going at it. Others seem to prefer total silence. And then there is the mismatch in terms of what and how people want to talk. Some people want to use slang, street talk. They like the sound of “dirty” words. Others find that disturbing and like romantic interchanges when they are having sex. It can feel pretty unbridgeable when one partner wants to scream “fuck me harder,” and the other wants to hear “You are the only one I’ll ever love” in the throes of passion. Like everything else having to do with sex, preferences are individual and it’s okay to like what you like without having to understand it or explain it. But, like everything else having to do with a relationship, negotiating a solution that works for both of you is key. So what’s a couple to do?

This blog entry will give you some thoughts to consider for the talk/silence conundrum. The next blog entry will try to address the slutty/romantic debate.

If you’re someone who likes some talking during sex, you are in the majority. Most people don’t want absolute silence. If you are in a relationship with someone who seems to prefer silences here are some things to consider:

  1. Does your partner have no idea you want them to talk? Maybe they’d be happy to if they knew what you wanted!
  2. Maybe your partner is afraid of sounding stupid. Simple as it seems, the first time you let loose in the throes of passion, you can feel very vulnerable. What the hell did I just say???? I can’t believe I sounded like a porn star on steroids. If that’s the case, then you need to have a conversation where you tell your partner that:

a.  You are perfectly happy to be having sex with someone who sounds like a porn-star on steroids, and

b.  You know it can take a while to get your verbal rhythm going somewhere you actually want it to go so let’s try it.

  1. Maybe your partner doesn’t have a clue what to say. In that case, why don’t you make suggestions, ask questions while you’re having sex, tell a sexy story that involves input from your partner or read some erotica together so he/she gets the idea of what you’re looking for.
  2. Ascertain if there some level of performance anxiety. Is your partner afraid that if he or she is not concentrating with all the force of concentration available to Luke Skywalker he or she won’t “get there.” If that is the case, this should be talked about and addressed in a different way. And be sensitive. Your partner might not realize this is going on.
  3. If, after all this, your partner really doesn’t want to talk, consider running an erotic video in the background so you still have the sounds of sex which make you feel sexy, or at the very least, consider some sexy music to use until you can work this out more.
  4. Take turns. As silly as it may sound you can have silent sex night and noisy sex night. Just make sure you discuss this in advance so that everyone’s expectations are met.
  5. You know, if all else fails and this is turning into a serious issue, that discussing this with a trained sex therapist is a perfectly valid alternative. For some people sex with no sound is just not fun and having your needs in this area met seems reasonable.

For the most part, in my experience, partners want you to enjoy sex and will accommodate to your needs, IF you are honest with each other as to what is going on. Saying “I’m just not into talking,” is just not enough information to address the issue.

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