The New York Times style section had an article by a woman who complained of low libido…“I’m just more interested in finding the right marble for my kitchen than I am in sex.” (Or something quite similar) she say. Augggg…that’s fine. IF it were fine with her partner. But her poor husband is now stuck in a no-sex marriage. Exactly how long with that last??????? And why is that okay???
AND HERE’S MY RESPONSE!
To The Editor
One wonders whether Ms. Slater’s marriage can really survive, (“Deeply, Truly (but not physically) in Love.” Sunday, November 30th.) Sex in a relationship is not just another “hobby” or adjunct activity; it is a major thread and pulling it out all too often leads to the unraveling of the entire fabric. The situation would not be fundamentally different from one in which an individual decides that they are no longer interested in having conversations with their partner. Perhaps they find that communicating in a long term relationship just isn’t as interesting as it used to be or as some of their other projects. Would we nod in agreement if they said to their frustrated partner “I hope you can understand? Perhaps you can find someone else to talk with?” Whether or not Ms. Slater has a “dysfunction” is irrelevant. There are certainly couples who have agreed, either explicitly or tacitly, no longer to communicate verbally. Certainly a couple has the right to make that decision regarding their sex life as well, but if so it needs to be a joint decision by the couple.
Ms. Slater’s description reads much like a couple in which one partner is depressed, knows it is severely effecting the relationship and is aware that there are treatments but does not go for help. Usually the couple does not come out stronger for it.
Ms. Slater knows there may be help. She owes it to herself and her partner to seek it out. Or, alternatively, her husband can follow her advice and go have sex with someone else. Perhaps he will fall in love. Sexual expression is no less important or valuable than verbal communication and he deserves no less in a full relationship. Ms. Slater, in the meantime, will always have her granite.