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Heather, I had a bit of a different experience. After being married for 8 years, I called the office and was prepared to get the procedure done asap! However, I expected them to say that the entire pre-procedural process and waiting period would take 6 months to a year…imagine my surprise when I was able to schedule my procedure less than 2 months later! It has now been approx 7 months since my procedure and it was EASILY THE SINGLE BEST DECISION I HAVE EVER MADE. I suspect that fear and avoidance are natural (and from what I read, perhaps even common?) amongst women with vaginismus, but mustering all the strength I could to just move forward was worth every bit of it.

[lotus1000]

I found that I asked Dr. Pacik a lot of questions about contingency plans “in case I am the rare exception for which nothing works.” The best thing was that he patiently answered all of my questions and assured me that, to my surprise, he is asked many of these questions by many of his patients. What a relief that conversation was!

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Nicole, that’s a great suggestion!

Heather, I agree with Dr. Pacik. The brain CAN be retrained – but don’t expect it to occur overnight! Rather, approach this in a gradual way, and have fun with it! My initial suggestion is, perhaps, you could have a discussion with him about this – whenever he wants to be physically affectionate with you, he could do so but there is no pressure for it to lead to sex. In fact, maybe whenever he initiates physical intimacy, you could purposely take intercourse out of the picture initially. For example, it could be laying in bed, resting together, hugging, cuddling, even oral sex if you both are comfortable with it. As he gets more and more comfortable just initiating physical affection, I suspect that down the road, this will also lead to his initiating intercourse as well! The most important thing is that this should occur on his time, when he is comfortable….it seems that although he rationally knows that things have changed, his emotions or the way his brain associates his initiating sex still have to catch up! That way, his brain will make a new association between “When I initiate THIS, then she feels THIS.” Good luck!

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Heather, this is such an awesome post and I think the key and bottom line to much of much of my suffering with vaginismus. I have always been super avoidant and, as a physician, I could always fill my evenings with more and more patients to see, rather than coming home and facing alone time with my husband that could never be intimate in the way we wanted. We traveled, we worked – all ways of avoiding the reality of our feelings and vaginismus. I think part of avoidance is a fear of “failure” (yet again), so why try another thing? When I first called about Dr. P’s treatment, I was certain that it would be yet another thing – but 2 months later, I am cured and grateful.

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Wow! that’s amazing!! Congrats – and may it keep continuing.

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Amen to that! I still dilate every day, but with each passing day, the worst part of the vaginismus struggle seems like a distant nightmare. We are truly grateful to Dr. P for everything he has done – it has altered my life in the most meaningful way.

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My sister (several years younger than I am) got married in December 2012. While I was happy for her, I realized that she and many others had moved on in their lives, while I felt completely stuck after being married 7/8 years. As soon as I got home from her wedding, I googled vaginismus and found Dr. Pacik’s site. I called the next day and made an appointment for February!

PS. I too tried the dilator and workbook approach. Those dilators and the workbooks are still sitting, unopened, in a drawer in my room.

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A lot of the trust and communication between us had shut down due to the vaginismus issue. A lot of our intimacy had suffered and there were certain topics (i.e. sex and children) that were completely off the table for discussion. When our parents would ask us about the possibility of grandchildren, my husband and I would try to avoid the topic or brush it off, but some of the ways in which we dealt with this bred resentment between us. All in all, I would say that, despite the fact that we have always loved each other and been very close, vaginismus did do a lot of damage.

Once I discovered Dr. Pacik’s website online, I pushed my husband to look at it too. More than anything else, I was trying to nudge him to get more involved in the process, so that it was no longer just deemed “my problem.” From that point onward, he was present on speaker when initially speaking with Dr. Pacik, and he also came with me to have the procedure done. He inserted dilators for me, especially initially.

As Dr. P had mentioned, some days it’s 1 step forward and 2 steps back – but not to get discouraged by this because we’re generally moving forward. Despite this, it was hard not to be pessamistic on certain days, but (in addition to this forum) my husband was also able to be optimistic for me, encouraging, and that really helped. So in short, I think that really involving your partner in the process is one of the first ways of re-building that trust and communication. It is inevitable to feel that you are vulnerable or emotional at points in the process – and being in that delicate place together really builds something incredible, I think.

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What wonderful news Milkait! It’s so important to be patient with yourself through the process and, if you have a partner, for him to be patient as well. Glad to know you feel that way about him!

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hi millkait: It’s nice to meet you! To answer your questions, I think it can be different for each person and relationship, and so I’m not sure there’s any one right answer to this. Whether you choose to tell him now, tell him in a few months, or just wait until you see how your relationship develops, I think it’s entirely dependent on what feels right to you. I also think that how much you choose to disclose – whether or not you choose to tell him specifics – is up to you. In my opinion, it is less about the nature or duration of the relationship than it is about you and your comfort level. Also, know that many of the ladies on this forum who have had the treatment for vaginismus are single, while others are married, while others are in varying stages of relationships; the decision to seek treatment is a highly personal one irrespective of your relationship status, and you can be successfully treated regardless!!

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hi Kaylee,

Just to elaborate on the above, bike shorts would be great – bring 2-3 pairs. Alternately, I brought Spanx with me (I got them at Walmart, and they weren’t too expensive). We stayed at the LaQuinta, which was terrific and 2 minutes from the office. Bring covering, simple, cotton panties – nothing fancy or lacy, because things do get messy! I would also bring some pillows to leave in your car. While you’re driving, you’ll need them to help you get comfortable.

The fact that you made the appointment is terrific – that 1st step is the hardest one! Trust that you’ll get through it just fine and things are going to look up from here!

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I am a physician as well as a patient of Dr. Pacik’s. When I first diagnosed myself, I went to multiple doctors to ask for help. I was told to “get drunk”, or “relax and just get it over with.” Ignorance on their part was very damaging to my self-esteem and made me feel extremely hopeless.

My whole journey with vaginismus has made me, I think, a better doctor who is more attuned to sexual issues with my patients. Coming from a traditional culture, I was never accustomed to asking patients about their sexual issues, and I would often change the topic when they would bring anything up about sex or sexual issues. Now, whenever I sense anything, I will dive into it with them and try to explore it, trying my best to be mindful of what my tone and facial expressions are. I have not yet had any vagnismus patients, as far as I know, but I’m sure I will at some point.

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Thanks everybody, for your support! I am so happy 🙂

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(belated) Happy Valentine’s Day to you both!

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I took a break during my menses. Our group & Dr. Pacik discussed the idea of using tampons/ dilating during menses. I’m curious to know if other people have managed to dilate during menses?

I was very anxious about dilating again after my cycle (approx 1 week long), because I feared that I would have taken a step back. I was really excited when I managed to dilate with #4 again with relatively little difficulty. It’s been a week since then and I feel like I’ve gotten back into the rhythm of things.

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