How do you build trust and communication with your partner?

Home Forums Vaginismus Support Group Daily Questions About Vaginismus How do you build trust and communication with your partner?

Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #8835
    mmHeather34
    Moderator

    Hi millkait. You wrote:

    “Kinda unfortunate I had to be diagnosed by a group of friends versus a doctor at first, but then again almost no one has heard of this condition.”

    This is so true millkait and so much more needs to be done to spread the word and educate doctors about this condition so THEY are the ones to diagnose it. I visited a doctor and was initially diagnosed with vulvodynia as I had an anxiety reaction to any touch. I brought my handouts to explain that I believed I had vaginismus and this was completely dismissed, which again is unfortunate and so, so much more needs to be done to continue to educate doctors about vaginismus.

    You also wrote:

    “most of my friends know what I am suffering with”

    I entirely commend you for sharing this with them and think it is seriously awesome that you are able to. I was always too shy to do this and only shared it with my 3 best friends post-procedure. But, it really is best to be able to be open and share this with your closest friends.

    You further wrote:

    “the guy I am dating told me ‘we can wait as long as you want, I just like hanging out with you’”

    He sounds like a very nice and also incredibly supportive guy. I met my husband in my early 20s (24) and he is the most supportive, loyal, and caring man in the world. It obviously mattered so much to me personally to find a cure for vaginismus but through it all, he was 100% behind me and incredibly supportive. I remember being so nervous about contacting Dr. Pacik’s office and having the procedure, but my hubby was truly my rock and we worked through all of my fears. Then, he was beyond supportive on the day of my procedure and, it may sound so funny, but by going through this together, it brought us even closer to one another. We reacted almost the same (i.e. complete shock) when I woke up with the dilator in place and wasn’t in any pain. Thereafter, together, we practiced with the dilators (i.e. inserting, removing, and reinserting them). To this day, I can remember how surprised and happy he was to see that I was almost the happiest that I had ever been in my life that this was working and not causing the usual pain reaction that it had in the past. It is truly wonderful to have your boyfriend’s support through all of this millkait and it is an amazing journey that you will go on together. We are all here for you and I look forward to reading more of your posts.

    #11253
    millkait12
    Participant

    Hey everyone! I find that a lot of guys (not all of course) are very sexually active. When a guy has had sex before in his life, I feel like it is very hard for him to resist having sex with you as his girlfriend. 100% of the people I have trusted with my secret never knew of it before. I actually remember how I figured out what it was — and it WASN’T through a doctor. Me and my three girlfriends were in my bedroom and talking about all the symptoms I had, and as we are googling almost all of what we were describing was under vaginisimus. Kinda unfortunate I had to be diagnosed by a group of friends versus a doctor at first, but then again almost no one has heard of this condition.

    I kind of got off track, but as for building trust and communication with your partner .. it can be hard. There were so many doubts I had about telling my partners. They acted so understanding, and were thankful it was just that and not that I had a disease or anything. However, I can be a TOTAL flirt, just because I am naturally being me… and that comes across as if I want to have sex. A lot of guys I were with tried to just force it. I had one guy I dated who had a lot of previous sexual encounters, and he just didn’t get it. “Why don’t you just relax?” “Why is it so hard?” In fact, we’d be fooling around and he’d just stop saying he wasn’t horny anymore. I’d cry a few times, and he’d yell at me. You can imagine I’m not with him anymore, but I built trust with him and it failed. I am actually a very open person and most of my friends know what I am suffering with. Sometimes, they make jokes out of it that aren’t funny. And I cry.

    I trust people easily, which can be good and bad. I trusted that guy I mentioned above but I knew he wasn’t my type. He cared way too much about sex, but I still told him. And I can guarantee he didn’t keep that a secret for long. Another guy I was with was the greatest guy, but he couldn’t handle a relationship. We tried to have sex a lot, but failed. I had a girlfriend of mine actually tell me I shouldn’t tell the next guy I am with that I have this problem until he falls in love with me. I said, “why would I wait until he falls in love with me? I didn’t wait until my last boyfriend fell in love with me before telling him.” She said “And look where that ended up.”

    That comment made me resent her for a while until eventually I let her have it. That hurt, because she’s one person that would always talk about sex. In fact, she was ALL about sex. “Sex is the best, sex is so great, you can’t have a relationship without sex, that sucks you cant have sex”, you name it she said it…

    Building trust is difficult, and building communication is as well. I failed a few times telling guys I barely knew that I had vaginisimus because I just assumed they’d want sex out of me. The guy I am dating now has no idea my problem, but he knows I have no interest in having sex right now. He knows I want to take it slow for my own reasons, and that’s too bad if he doesn’t like that. And I recommend that outlook to every girl suffering. I recommend this because building trust is important, and if you’re like me you trust people too easily with your personal life. The guy you are meant to be with forever doesn’t need to know until you are far enough in the relationship that it doesn’t matter. A guy that is going to try having sex with you when you’re not open to the idea isn’t a good guy for you to begin with. The guy I am dating told me “we can wait as long as you want, I just like hanging out with you.” It felt so great to hear a guy actually tell me sex isn’t important to him and he just likes ME…not my body parts.

    Be careful before trusting people. The three guys I have told never needed to know because they weren’t guys I was supposed to be with forever. When you’re ready, you’ll know. 🙂

    #9847
    mmHeather34
    Moderator

    Hi millkait. You wrote:

    “Kinda unfortunate I had to be diagnosed by a group of friends versus a doctor at first, but then again almost no one has heard of this condition.”

    This is so true millkait and so much more needs to be done to spread the word and educate doctors about this condition so THEY are the ones to diagnose it. I visited a doctor and was initially diagnosed with vulvodynia as I had an anxiety reaction to any touch. I brought my handouts to explain that I believed I had vaginismus and this was completely dismissed, which again is unfortunate and so, so much more needs to be done to continue to educate doctors about vaginismus.

    You also wrote:

    “most of my friends know what I am suffering with”

    I entirely commend you for sharing this with them and think it is seriously awesome that you are able to. I was always too shy to do this and only shared it with my 3 best friends post-procedure. But, it really is best to be able to be open and share this with your closest friends.

    You further wrote:

    “the guy I am dating told me ‘we can wait as long as you want, I just like hanging out with you’”

    He sounds like a very nice and also incredibly supportive guy. I met my husband in my early 20s (24) and he is the most supportive, loyal, and caring man in the world. It obviously mattered so much to me personally to find a cure for vaginismus but through it all, he was 100% behind me and incredibly supportive. I remember being so nervous about contacting Dr. Pacik’s office and having the procedure, but my hubby was truly my rock and we worked through all of my fears. Then, he was beyond supportive on the day of my procedure and, it may sound so funny, but by going through this together, it brought us even closer to one another. We reacted almost the same (i.e. complete shock) when I woke up with the dilator in place and wasn’t in any pain. Thereafter, together, we practiced with the dilators (i.e. inserting, removing, and reinserting them). To this day, I can remember how surprised and happy he was to see that I was almost the happiest that I had ever been in my life that this was working and not causing the usual pain reaction that it had in the past. It is truly wonderful to have your boyfriend’s support through all of this millkait and it is an amazing journey that you will go on together. We are all here for you and I look forward to reading more of your posts.

    #11315
    lotus1000
    Participant

    A lot of the trust and communication between us had shut down due to the vaginismus issue. A lot of our intimacy had suffered and there were certain topics (i.e. sex and children) that were completely off the table for discussion. When our parents would ask us about the possibility of grandchildren, my husband and I would try to avoid the topic or brush it off, but some of the ways in which we dealt with this bred resentment between us. All in all, I would say that, despite the fact that we have always loved each other and been very close, vaginismus did do a lot of damage.

    Once I discovered Dr. Pacik’s website online, I pushed my husband to look at it too. More than anything else, I was trying to nudge him to get more involved in the process, so that it was no longer just deemed “my problem.” From that point onward, he was present on speaker when initially speaking with Dr. Pacik, and he also came with me to have the procedure done. He inserted dilators for me, especially initially.

    As Dr. P had mentioned, some days it’s 1 step forward and 2 steps back – but not to get discouraged by this because we’re generally moving forward. Despite this, it was hard not to be pessamistic on certain days, but (in addition to this forum) my husband was also able to be optimistic for me, encouraging, and that really helped. So in short, I think that really involving your partner in the process is one of the first ways of re-building that trust and communication. It is inevitable to feel that you are vulnerable or emotional at points in the process – and being in that delicate place together really builds something incredible, I think.

    #11662
    mmHeather34
    Moderator
    Quote:
    Quote from lotus1000 on March 25, 2013, 21:11
    So in short, I think that really involving your partner in the process is one of the first ways of re-building that trust and communication. It is inevitable to feel that you are vulnerable or emotional at points in the process – and being in that delicate place together really builds something incredible, I think.

    I couldn’t agree with you more lotus. Prior to my procedure, I had a very difficult time communicating with my husband and wanted to just go to NH and fix this problem as I felt like it was my own issue to resolve. I couldn’t have been more wrong. By involving my husband in the entire process, it brought us so much closer and we talked openly about so many things that were buried while having vaginismus. In addition to significantly helping with our communication, by sharing new intimacy with the dilation process, I began to trust my hubby so much more and associate him with not causing any pain at all and by both seeing and helping to insert the dilators, he was able to trust that he really wouldn’t hurt me when we transitioned to intercourse as this was a big fear of his.

    For the veterans reading this, how did you build trust and communication with your partner post-procedure?

    #12246
    haley1125
    Participant

    My fiance and I have been together for 4 years. And this is the only thing we really lack communication on. If he doesn’t get upset over it, I do and then I just shut down and cry. It worse due to the fact when we first started dating we never had an issue and had a very healthy sexual relationship. Now we go months without sex.
    Communication is hard to build.
    Sometimes it’s more of him making a comment about not liking/wanting sex or not even being interested in him. Once in a while it is that even if we could have sex that wouldn’t matter because I wouldn’t know what to do. Communication is something you just have or don’t I guess.

    #12248
    mmHeather34
    Moderator

    Hi Haley. In a prior post, I referenced the below article that I hope may help.

    http://www.askdrjackie.com/a-few-thoughts-about-the-value-of-communicating-well-3/

    Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC writes:

    “I received an email recently about communication in marriage. He wrote:
    Why is communication important in a relationship? Is it the most important part of a relationship?

    First let’s agree that when we use the word communication we are referring to verbal and non-verbal communication.

    Verbal and non-verbal language is an essential element for committed relationships, friendships, business relationships and virtually all other kinds of relationships. We depend on making ourselves understood to convey our wants and needs, likes and dislikes, thoughts and feelings and to make requests of others.

    We communicate non-verbally with our faces and our bodies. For example, when we are listening, we might tilt our heads a bit or lean forward toward the speaker. The speaker would likely perceive us to be interested and listening attentively.

    Conversely, if we fidget, sigh, roll our eyes, make any of a number of faces with our mouths and lips (you know what I mean!), we could be accurately perceived by the speaker to be in disagreement, contemptuous, critical, disapproving, etc.

    We communicate verbally with the words we choose, with inflection, pitch, decibel level and cadence. And make no mistake: a speaker’s attitude comes across loud and clear when s/he speaks.

    Here are seven simple and easy tips to communicate effectively:

    1. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

    2. Do what you say and say what you do.

    3. Your thoughts and feelings, needs and wants, likes and dislikes are valid and legitimate. It is your job to own your internal experience. That means identify what is going on for you inside yourself, learn to language it and find the courage to express it. Ownership implies that you know and believe that you are okay with who you are, and how you experience and react to your inside and outside worlds. Other people do not have to understand or agree in order for your experiences to be valid, legitimate and respected. This is about you!

    4. Other people’s feelings are also legit. Just as your thoughts and feelings, needs and wants, likes and dislikes and internal experiences are valid and legitimate, so are those things of others. You may or may not understand. Please, respect their experience(s). Your response? Agree to disagree. Accept without agreeing. This is about them! This is not about you.

    5. Pay attention to needs. When a need is unmet it becomes an issue. We have many opportunities to experience and express issues in our marriages. Common ways to respond, although unproductive and harmful, are to complain, blame and criticize. Next time you experience an issue try making a request. Identify what you need or want or what you want someone to do or say differently, then, make a request. Focus on what you want to happen, instead of what isn’t happening or what happened that you didn’t like.

    6. Learn to tell your whole truth. Notice I didn’t say the truth. Your truth is your recognition of what you are experiencing inside yourself and outside of yourself at any given moment. If you are experiencing an upset or a disappointment, you may know or understand less about what you are experiencing than at other times. Find the courage to say as much as you can about what you think, feel, need and want. When you have more clarity or additional knowing be sure to share them with you partner.

    7. Be a good listener. Listening is an essential and valuable skill. Becoming a good listener takes time and practice, and is enormously appreciated by others. When you are engaged in a meaningful conversation, say to your spouse, “Tell me more.” This is a special invitation that conveys your interest, and intention to listen and really know them and understand the issue.

    Communication is one of the essential parts of creating rich, meaningful marriages. Communicating verbally and non-verbally in a kind, responsible and respectful way furthers understanding, a sense of feeling valued, respected and cared for and increases intimacy and trust.”

Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.