Whens a Good Time to Talk to Your Partner?

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    Hey all.

    I am currently “talking” to someone… we have gone on a few dates, and we both have established we like each other. Vaginismus is in the back of my head a lot. We have gotten intimate a few times, but nothing under the clothes. I stop it before anything can go further.

    I told him I hope he doesn’t expect a whole lot out of me, and I even asked him how important sex is to him. But we have been talking for 2 weeks and I am not sure if now would be a good time to bring it up, or if I should wait for a later date when we are closer and I can be sure what him and I have is real?

    He is a great guy, though. He told me, without knowing my problem, that he doesn’t need sex to have a relationship. He said he can go without it. And he seemed sincere enough to me when he said that.

    What are your guys’ thoughts?


    Hi millkait. This is a very good question. It sounds like you have met a truly wonderful guy. I am not sure when I would bring it up. My husband and I discovered my vaginismus together so it wasn’t an issue of me having to tell him. For other single gals reading this, what do you think?

    I e-mailed and became friends with one of Dr. Pacik’s previously treated patients who was also single. Prior to her procedure, she said she was talking to a very nice guy but did not want to bring up the whole vaginismus topic. She traveled to NH and had her procedure. Following this, she dilated regularly and became very serious with him. She then was able to have pain-free intercourse with him and never had to even bring up the fact that she had previously had vaginismus. This would’ve been my ideal situation prior to meeting my now husband. Please, please know that this can happen for you to millkait! I am here for you always and know exactly what you are going through right now!!! Hugs!!!


    Hi millkait. My wife and I were also married when we realized she had vaginismus. In my opinion, It would be hard to tell you exactly when is the best time to discuss the situation. However, I think that 2 weeks in the relationship might be a little too early. Allow time to build trust and see how he handles smaller issues. I would think that the people with whom you share this with would be people who you KNOW WITH OUT A DOUBT have your best interest at heart. Can you say that about him in a matter of weeks? When you feel that there will be a life long commitment by the both of you before you are intimate, then it would be a great time to talk about it. But only you can decide that. So many times, people become sexually active in relationships before there is a real commitment; as in marriage. Its unheard of now of days, but it has always been the best way. Just my 2 cents. I wish you the best in your journey to overcome vaginismus!

    Dr. Pacik

    This is a complex issue and an excellent question. Everyone has their own opinions when it is appropriate to be sexually involved. This opinion is based on so many aspects including upbringing, religious beliefs and personal convictions. Certainly my vaginismus patients would somehow like to know if it is even possible. Women with vaginismus are often insecure in their sexuality knowing full well the pain experienced with most forms of penetration including non-sexual events such as the use of a tampon or GYN exam. Yet we are all guided by our own innate wisdom and relying on this is perhaps the best advice you can give yourself. Let your inner being be your guide and be truthful to its wisdom.

    Elliotte writes

    Allow time to build trust and see how he handles smaller issues.

    I think this is very true and yet another way of processing these thoughts.


    Hi millkait. Before I was married and diagnosed with Vaginismus I tried having intercourse but couldn’t. I couldn’t insert anything in me including a tampon. I didn’t know what was wrong with me and why I couldn’t. I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it either. For me it was an awful experience as I was treated very badly by a person I was engaged to. He couldn’t understand what was wrong with me and even told a friend who suggested that he get me drunk and when I least expected it to ram his fingers into me and that it would break my hymen and everything would be ok. Well it wasn’t ok. Of course I knew what was coming and when I asked him to stop and I finally relaxed, he jammed me. Which probably made my Vaginismus even worse as I then had a trust issue. Something I’m still working on even though my husband (whom I met a year or so later) and I have been married over 32 years. He broke up with me shortly afterwards and I just knew it was because I couldn’t have intercourse. It hurt me terribly and I went off the deep end. Trying to have sex with any boy that I was dating, which ended up the same way. I couldn’t and I became more and more depressed. Until I met my husband who has been the most patient, loving, kind mind I could possibly meet. Although with him we decided to wait until we were married to try. Which is another story in itself as my honeymoon night is one that I wish I could forget as I was not able to make love to my husband then, not for several years later. My heart goes out to you and my advice would be to be cautious. Boys/men can be very hurtful with words in the heat of the moment, even though they might feel bad and regret it afterwards. Unfortunately for us it is not easy to forget, at least for me it wasn’t. Just writing this brings tears to my eyes remembering those times. My advice is to be careful, go with your gut feeling on when you think is the right time to tell him. But know this, you can be healed and be rid of Vaginismus! There is hope, you aren’t alone and we are all here for you.


    hi millkait: It’s nice to meet you! To answer your questions, I think it can be different for each person and relationship, and so I’m not sure there’s any one right answer to this. Whether you choose to tell him now, tell him in a few months, or just wait until you see how your relationship develops, I think it’s entirely dependent on what feels right to you. I also think that how much you choose to disclose – whether or not you choose to tell him specifics – is up to you. In my opinion, it is less about the nature or duration of the relationship than it is about you and your comfort level. Also, know that many of the ladies on this forum who have had the treatment for vaginismus are single, while others are married, while others are in varying stages of relationships; the decision to seek treatment is a highly personal one irrespective of your relationship status, and you can be successfully treated regardless!!

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