[rachel]

Hi Michael,
My name is Rachel and I suffrered with vaginismus for almost 12 years before I stumbled upon Dr Paciks treatment, so I whole heartedly understand where your wife is coming from when she says she want to divorce you to set you free. Before I made the decision to take the risk of travelling thousands of miles to a different country for treatment that was new and to be honest, a little out of my comfort zone, I too was at the point of “letting my husband go”. I got to a point where I could see no future for myself and I was so low that I would constantly cry and grieve over the loss of my relationship and chances to ever be a mum and have children. I was so defeated and so exhausted with trying to remain positive and trying to find a way out of a nightmare that never seemed to ever come to an end. There were occasions where my mind was flooded with thoughts of sucide. I would think, “whats the point? Whats the purpose of my life?” The truth is, I believed that I had no purpose-I couldn’t fulfill my duties as a wife-I couldn’t have children and I didn’t feel like a woman anymore. I felt stripped of my womanhood and I didn’t see any point in going on. I would shout at my husband and push him away, because it was easier that way-it was less painful than the alternative of keep trying to make somethjing work that was never going to work.

You see, when you suffer with vaginismus, you carry around so much guilt about how you are destroyign the life of the very person that you love and it is torturous. Everything inside of you wants to remain with your partner, but the guilt of the pain and suffering that you are causing your loved one makes you want to end the relationship. I know this, because I went through this cycle so many times, but everytime my husband would beg me not to end it-I felt so confused as to what was the right thing to do. Dave would actually get angry with me. He quite rightly reminded me that it wasn’t just my life that had been affected but his to. I remember him saying, “Rachel, I have stood by you from day one and I have committed myself to you in sickness and in health and now after 12 years you want to walk out on me!” I had never thought about it from his persective, I had only thought about how living with my own guilt was ripping me apart on a daily basis, but I never looked at how me leaving him would affect his life in a negative way. I just thought that I would leave, he would be upset and then move on with his life and find someone else. What I failed to realise is that vaginismus had left scars on him too. I failed to realise that by leaving him I was not allowing him to find any resolution and any closure. That wound would forever remain open and unresolved. So, my only other option was to find a solution to my problem, but this was proving difficult.

One night, I went onto youtube and typed in vaginismus. I was so desperate to find someone who understood and who could solve my problem. I longed to see a real life human being that was like me. This is where I found Dr Pacik and little did I know that my life was abopit to change. It wasn’t an easy decision to make because on top of having vaginismus, I also struggled with phobias about taking medications and losing control. So making the decision to allow a doctor to inject me with botox was a big decision for me, but one I will never regret-it truly did save my sanity and my marriage.

I have overcome vaginismus now, but thats not to say that years later we are still working through dealing with the scars that have affected our relationship. But I can truly say that I am so glad that I stuck it out and overcame my issue with my husband. We later found out that my husband was infact infertile, so we had another big storm that we had to deal with, but hey-thats life. We have grieved our loss and we have moved forward together and I can truly say that we are best friends and our marriage is stronger than many couples who have always been able to have sex. Our relationship has something special about it that many couples will never experience. Today, I couldn’t see myself being happy if Dave was not by my side. He has remained by my side through the good and the bad times and to me, well, I count myself extremely blessed. Many couples who are able to have sex from day one give up after the first hurdle and usually over something way less than living with vaginismus.

Why not give getting help one last shot before you decide to end your relationship. If the treatment didn’t work (which is unlikely), you can both at least say that you have tried everything. We decided to make our journey memorable by making it a holiday alongside the treatment. We couldn’t afford it and it did put us into finacial debt, but our thought was that either way we were going to enjoy it and make it memorable. If the treatment didn’t work then we had a good holiday with good memories and we would have ended our relationship with some happy memories that we could chersih. If the treatment did work (which it did), then we could class the holiday as our true honeymoon which we would celebrate in future years and the start of another era of our marriage.

If your wife would like to talk privately about this I am happy for her to contact me via email which Dr Pacik will be more than happy to pass onto you. I know that in the coming weeks and months she will have many ups and down and confusion about whether she is making the right decision. So both me and Dave are happy to talk with both of you at anytime.

Dave knows how it feels to be on the recieving end of having his wife say that she is thinking of leaving him amd I know forst hand how it feels to live with the guilt and depression that rips you apart everyday.

[rachel]

Hi Sarah,
My name is Rachel and my husband and I have not long ago completed our home study for adoption. We are in Canada. I was so anxious and concerned that our social worker would discriminate against us because of the vaginismus-but she didn’t. Infact, I actually think it has gone in our favour.

She did ask us a lot of questions about it, and when I explained how we had stuck by each others sides and that it had been resolved with botox treatment, they were very happy to mitigate the circumstances. All they want to know is that you are not still battling with the condition. The kids that are adopted are a wonderful gift-but they can be very challenging, so they just want to know that this condition is not still requiring a lot of counselling and work.

I would suggest getting the botox treatment and getting to a point where you feel happy that the vaginismus has been resolved. I would tell the social worker that you want time out to do this and explain the condition and the treatment to her and ask if you can be reconsidered once the treatment had been completed. They will probably ask you to come back in around 6 months to repeat the homestudy.

When you go back to your homestudy, try and show that you have move forward by getting involved with advocating for other women and show that you are not afraid to talk about it openly. I actually joked with my social worker that any kid that needed to talk about issues surrounding sex-well, I would be an expert. The homestudy psychologist actually said that because of my knowledge surrounding vaginismus I would be an excellent mum for children who have experienced sexual trauma. So, don’t give up! The adoption door is not closed and if you can show that you have overcome this condition then they cannot discriminate. All they want to know is that it is not an active problem.

The botox treatment is something you can use to physically show them that you have undergone treatment. I am sure that Dr.Pacik could also write a letter stating that you have recieved treatment as could your family doctor.

If you need to talk more about the adoption process in the future please don’t hesitate to contact me. We are now in the matching process! I thank God that I found Dr Pacik and recieved the botox treatment. I was petrified and my anxiety almost got the best of me right up until I entered the recovery room and they sedated me. But Dr Pacik and his team are fantastic at what they do and thanks to his treatment for vaginismus, my husband and I got our lives back. Now we are waiting to meet our children who will hopefully be along to join us soon!

[rachel]

Slowly!lol I have had to make up case studies from scratch, as sadly, no one from the two forums I have been on has come forward and given me permission to use their story. In fact, I have barely had anyone contact me which I find a little disheartening, because nothing is going to change if we don’t speak out.

I have just about wrote 4 case studies-each based on a different type of vaginismus-situational, primary and secondary. I have also contacted a few transgender people after gender reassignment as I wondered if any of them suffered with vaginismus post surgery!

Tommorow I will work on a do and don’t list andsome material for discussion and maybe some role play to. I feel quite overwhelmed with it to be honest. I have so much other stuff going on right now-adoption-writing-health….you know how it is! But, I will get there. I guess I can only do so much on my own. Hopefully my imagination and my own personal story will carry me through….

[rachel]

Hi Olivia,
Thanks for this link, I will be sure to look into this. I will be sure to talk about the things they should not say-like have a glass a wine and just relax! Hopefully it will go well! I hope to try and write up a report of how it went afterwards. Maybe we could have a place where we can put the workshop templates and then anyone who wants to talk to professionals can use them.

[rachel]

Thank you Dr Pacik for your support. It is quite daunting speaking up about this condition, but I believe it is important. It would be so great if women would get on board with this.

[rachel]

Hey Heather,
It’s so weird because I have been seeing this issue alot lateley on a few vaginismus forums. I too struggle with this issue, and your right, it is very frustrating. I got a little angry with him at one point because he promised me that everything would be okay if I had the botox. Everything was going okay post procedure when I initiated and then he began to initiate, but after being told that he was infertile himself-he retreated.

I guess I can understand but unless I initiate he won’t come near me. He says he feels like there is a switch in his brain that he cannot unswitch. For so long he felt rejected by me, so he feels that his brain continues to tell him that it is not okay to initiate sex-he actually gets very anxious about initiating!

I truly think we are now hitting on another big issue that needs to be addressed with vaginismus. I thought it was just us, but obviously not. I wonder if anything can be developed for guys overcoming years of rejection and for reintroducing intimacy post vaginismus? I guess all of us that are now hitting this new stage are really the guinea pigs to finding the answer!

This was never a problem years back because women never really got to a point where they could be cured of vaginismus.

[rachel]

Hi Nicola,
I lived with primary vaginismus for 11 years before I found Dr. Pacik, and yes, I lived in an uncosumated marriage for 11 years! There are some amazing men out there who are very supportive and understanding, so don’t give up on having a relationship. It would be great for you to meet Dr.Pacik and get treated-he is an amazing man that has helped so many women get their lives back.

The more I learn about vaginismus, the more I am realising that the sooner it can be diagnosed and treated, the less damage it can cause to you psychologically and to partners that are involved with you. It is great that you have found out about this before finding a long term partner-you are already one step ahead of many of us women that found out on our wedding night!

I highly recommend Dr.Pacik and his treatment. Let us know if there is anyway that we can help you.

Take care,
Rachel

[rachel]

Thanks so much Heather! I have added them to my list! My brother has given me some ideas on how to run the workshop-exciting! I am thinking of introducing them to 4 different case studies of women in groups and each group will get to meet with each lady at each table. They will then have questions to work through as a group and will get to figure out what level they are on the lamont, what referals are available, what websites they can point women towards etc..

I also want a “not what to say list” and a “to say list”! I was also thinking about some role playing for them too. One can take on the role of having to be the woman atteding the clinic and the other one can be the professional dealing with the situation.

My brother also suggested a q and a session but from a secret annoymous box so that they can ask any questions they want about the subject without feeling embarrassed. I will do a short talk on vaginismus with statistics and defintion etc.. first and then I am putting them into full on the job action-best way for them to learn I think!

I also heard back from the Calgary women’s resource centre and they have some women with vaginismus there too, so they are planning on getting me to talk to their nurses too! It’s kinda scary but I know it has to be done!

I will make sure that I include your topic. Maybe I could make one of the case studies your story??? I obviously would protect your confidentiality, but what do you think? I could then get them discussing how they would manage you if you had come to their office with your complaints.

[rachel]

Hello Everyone,
I have some great news. I have been asked to conduct a workshop for some nurses and doctors at a local Sexual Health clinic here in Calgary. This is not going to be an easy step to take, but I am looking forward to it. I wanted to share this because I was wondering if anyone else on this forum was from Calgary and would like to join me! It will be happening on November 1st from 1-3pm.

I would also like to ask all of you if there is anything in particular that you would like me to educate them about in particular. I want to be a voice for all of you to the professionals that I have a chance to talk with face to face, so please let me know. Even if you want me to share a particular story about how you have been treated when you have tried to access services for help. What would make things better for you? Please comment below and I will be sure to pass on your messages to the professioanls that have allowed me to talk to them about vaginismus.

[rachel]

Hey Bitsize,
What type of dilators are you using because some of them-in my opinion are better than others. Dr. Pacik recommends the glass dilators or the pure romance ones and these are way better and more comfortable than the cheap cold plastic dilators that many professionals recommend.

If you are not using the pure romance I recommend them as they are way more flexible and comfortable to insert. You can also sleep with these dilators, which is fantastic for your progress. Another recommednation would be to ask your doctor for some lidocaine jelly to mix in with your ky jelly. This is a numbing agent that you can use and then once you get comfortable with insertion you can go back to just using ky jelly.

Also, you can take regular Parecetamol 1gm and ibuprofen prior to your insertion of dilators and this will help with the pain to. If you are on the last dilator-drop down to the previous dilator and insert that for 15-30 minutes and then insert the bigger dilator. Once you get the dilator in-try and keep it in for around 2 hours whilst you do your cleaning..watching tv etc..

Sounds like you are doing great with the dilators! Let us know if you need anymore help with this. Good luck!!

[rachel]

Hi Bitesize!
My name is Rachel and I am originally from the UK. Glad you found this website-it offers so much good advice and tips for dilation and treatment options. Well let us know if there is anything you need help with!

[rachel]

I was told to consume alcohol on many occasions by professionals and told to ‘Just relax.” One doctor even had the balls to tell me that I was “just cold and frigid!” It is terrible that professionals are treating women like this in the year 2013-they really should know better! When I suffered with vaginismus I did try and use alcohol on numerous occasions to try and cure my vaginismus and it didn’t work. I never really drank at all prior to having vaginismus but after living a hellish nightmare for 11 years I found it became quite a crutch at times. Once I had been exposed to it’s relaxing effects I started to use it to escape the psychological pain of vaginismus. I wonder if I had never been introduced to it in the first place as to whether I would have started using it as a crutch.

I think that women are already vulnerable enough when they go to the doctors without introducing them to alcohol and drugs. I also wonder what the incidence of suicide ideation and suicide attempts is with women suffering with female sexual dysfunction issues. I am not sure whether we could ever find that out because most women would never confide in professionals that vaginismus or sexual dysfunction was the reason that they were trying to end their life. I know that I would never have confided in anyone.

[rachel]

Good look Gnomi! I know that you will not regret the tretament. Dr Pacik is an amazing doctor and I am glad that I travelled from Canada for the treatment.

[rachel]

Congratulations!! So happy for you!

[rachel]

I have done 3 pap smears now and about due for another one! I found putting the pink dilator in the night before the ultrasound and sleeping with it in helped alot. I also found that there was still lots of lubricant left over too which helped! I also found being totally open about my condition with the doctor or the ultrasound technician helped too. I sometimes had to explain what my condition was and what I needed them to do-but it’s worth it in the end. I would ask that they tell me everything step by step that they were going to do. I asked them to use the smallest equipment that they had-usually it’s the pap dilater they use for virgins!

Just putting the dilaters in before helped me so much. There is no law saying that you couldn’t even arrive with your dilater in and take it out immedietly before the pap smear was to take place. Nurses and doctors would probably be impressed that you came prepared! I am a nurse and I know that this would be totally acceptable.

Hope this helps!

[Author]

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