[Vashalla]

Hi Stephanie! Giving birth vaginally is absolutely doable with vaginismus. As Heather said, I used Hypnobabies for my birth. My opinion is that if you want a certain kind of birth experience, and your doctor is naysaying it, find a different doctor who will support you, and don’t feel guilty about it one bit. You need someone who is in your corner, not someone who doubts your ability to birth your child the way you want to. Or, if you’re able to, be much more assertive with her. I also highly recommend hiring a doula. Most of them have flexible payment plans if money is a little tight for you. A doula will be there to support you before, during and after birth, and they will help you make the most informed decisions during your pregnancy, birth, and postpartum.

I’m a firm believer in not sharing birth stories with pregnant women, because your birth will be yours. It won’t be like anyone else’s. It probably also won’t be 100% true to what you plan, because birth, like motherhood, is unpredictable. I will say this though – I birthed my son vaginally, and I have vaginismus.

I mentioned Hypnobabies earlier, and this is something I highly recommend looking into. It’s a 6 week course, so you’ll want to start it soon if you decide to go this route. Hypnobabies is a birthing method that focuses on erasing our fears of pregnancy and birth, and I think that’s especially important for women like us. It’s great for anything from a home birth with no interventions to a hospital birth with lots of interventions. My water broke early, so I ended up with a hospital birth instead of the birthing center I wanted, but I was still able to use all of the relaxation techniques I learned, and it helped immensely. When you look into it, you’ll also see an alternative called Hypnobirthing. It’s a similar approach, but most women I talked to preferred Hypnobabies.

Regarding getting what you want… Be an advocate for yourself. Just as an example, when I checked into the hospital, they asked me to change into a hospital gown. I declined, saying that I’d rather wear what I came in. The nurse seemed a little taken aback, but didn’t push the issue further, and I wore what I wanted to wear, thank you very much. There were some minor things I didn’t get a choice in – for instance, when the baby is actually coming out, I did have to be on the bed, but did NOT have to be laying down. The hospital’s lawyers basically don’t want the liability of having a baby fall on the floor, so the bed it was for that part. Otherwise, I walked, I sat, I squatted. I did whatever felt right at the time. If you don’t want a scheduled C-section simply because you have vaginismus, you don’t have to have one. Since your doctor already (falsely) thinks that you’ll need a C-section, I would absolutely read up in advance and know when a C-section would actually become necessary. Length of labor, as an FYI, is not an indicator for a C-section. This is also where having a doula comes in handy, because she can guide you to all of the information you’ll need to make an informed decision, especially when you’re tired and very much focused inward during your birthing time.

[Vashalla]

Thanks! My little dude is now 2 1/2 months old as of today, and we did have a successful vaginal birth using Hypnobabies. I did end up having to get an epidural due to some unavoidable complications, but that didn’t prevent my body from being able to give birth to a 9lb, 9oz baby boy 🙂

I would definitely recommend Hypnobabies as a birthing method for expecting moms with vaginismus. Definitely kept me in a good place mentally and physically.

[Vashalla]

Thank you, Dr. Pacik! I’m definitely interested to hear if anyone here has been able to do natural childbirth after vaginismus. One of the methods I’m really considering is hypnobirthing. It seems like it would be a really good fit for handling the extra anxiety that I would have.

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Wow! Awesome! All the logistics will certainly fall into place one way or another. I’m not really sure what else to say other than that I’m really happy for you!

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Hi Rainey. You’re definitely not doomed to this forever. Are you still able to have pain-free penetration with things that are smaller than your boyfriend? Or do those suddenly hurt as well? If you’re still able to use smaller dilators, vibrators, or dildos, then you’re at a great starting place to work up to your boyfriend’s size. If not, you still can definitely get to where you need to be. It could be that your muscles just aren’t used to stretching quite that much, and they need a little help to learn that they can do that and that it can be very pleasurable.

As far as orgasms via clitoral stimulation, that’s extremely normal. I think most women aren’t able to orgasm off penetration alone. I know that during sex, I have to stimulate my clitoris as well before I can orgasm.

[Vashalla]

As do I. They’re way more comfortable than the Pure Romance dilators and they’re super easy to clean. Definitely worth the investment!

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Nakitalab, I’m glad my post helped you! I do think after a while, there’s a tendency to become complacent or just plain tired of dilating, but it’s good to keep up with it, especially when you feel yourself start to backslide. I’ve asked my fiance to try to help me remember to dilate, and I keep reminding him that he’s not been reminding me on the days I forget. Tonight, he actually reminded me. Yay! I’ve almost got him trained 🙂

[Vashalla]

I’m so glad you guys have made an appointment! Even though she may be “only” a level 1 or 2, it sounds like her anxiety levels warrant Dr. Pacik’s botox treatment. And I don’t mean that in a bad way at all! It’s easy to ignore vaginismus (mostly), but it’s a scary, scary thing to confront it head on. It has a tendency to uncover years of repressed emotions. It’s gonna be an emotional ride for both of you in a very good way when she wakes up after the procedure with a dilator already in. It will be just the breakthrough she needs 🙂

Please do let us know how it goes! We’re all here for you!

[Vashalla]

I typically use cloth menstrual pads, like the ones you can get from http://www.gladrags.com or http://www.lunapads.com. They’re great because you can make them as thick as they need to be in order to keep the dilator in place, even if you don’t have tight underwear like spanx. Plus, they’re cloth, so it’s gentle on the skin, and they’re multipurpose since I also use them for my period. I personally use Gladrags, but I’m sure the Lunapads are just as good. I’ll usually put two of the gladrags inserts into one holder, and that works well to keep the dilator in. Then, I just wash them as their own load about once a week or so (depends on how many holders and inserts you have)

[Vashalla]

Several years ago, I opened up about my vaginismus at a regular weekly dinner gathering with a group of friends consisting of both men and women. It seems like a very odd time and place for this topic to come up, but this group is a little different from most in that discussions about sex aren’t taboo, and we’re generally very open in our discussions. During our after-dinner conversation, one of the people in the group was talking about a friend of hers (who she didn’t name) who was having some problems with sex. The symptoms she was describing were very similar to my own, so I decided to share my story with the group in the hopes that it would help my friend’s friend. I remembered how freeing, in a sense, it was when I finally found out that there was actually a name for what I was going through, and that I wasn’t weird. I was nervous about opening up about something like that in that setting, but there were a couple of reasons why I decided to do it. One, if I could help another woman by giving a name to what she was going through, it would be worth any potential embarrassment to me. And secondly, women aren’t the only ones who need to know about this condition. Men especially need to know about it so that they can potentially recognize it if they see it, and hopefully steer clear somewhat of those feelings of rejection that vaginismus can cause in men.

Fortunately, all of my friends reacted with compassion and curiosity, rather than negativity. All but one, that is, and my friends and I rallied against him and told him in no uncertain terms how wrong he was about his supposed “cure” for vaginismus, which I won’t go into here. I didn’t pay his words much heed either then or now. I’d done my research at that point, and I knew what some of the common treatment options were. At any rate, with the exception of that one person, I now had a group of people I could confide in if I needed to. I even came out soon after to a slightly wider group of friends on my LiveJournal account (a blog of the olden days) because more people needed to know that this is a thing that exists and that it affects more women than you realize. There too, I was met with compassion. I have to say that I am truly blessed with a very good group of friends.

[Vashalla]

Hi Tony, welcome to the forum! When I started with Dr. Pacik in February, I was also a level 1 patient because I could handle gyno exams, but not sex. My anxiety was also lower compared to many other women with vaginismus. Dr. Pacik’s remote counseling absolutely worked for me. Within a couple of months (I think even less), my boyfriend and I were actually able to have enjoyable sex for the first time! Watching Dr. Pacik’s DVD, “The Ins and Outs of Dilating” will be incredibly helpful. In it, he goes into detail about the dilation schedule, how to dilate, tips for transitioning to sex, and everything in between. Typically, he recommends dilating for 2 hours each day and then sleeping with a smaller dilator every 2 or 3 nights. It sounds like a lot, but if time is an issue, even an hour is better than nothing. It absolutely gets easier over time, though, and it’s worth it in the end. Eventually, she may find that she walk around with the dilator in, so that it doesn’t seem like such a time sink.

Everyone’s different, but so long as she sticks with it, she will definitely be able to overcome it. And she’ll need your support, love, and understanding throughout the whole process, but I suspect that won’t be an issue since you’re here talking to us 🙂

[Vashalla]

Thanks everyone!

[Vashalla]

These are all really interesting ideas! I mentioned the marble idea to my boyfriend the other day, and he was interested in trying it out. We’ll have to go with something other than a marble though, since the cats would just see them as playthings and we’d never get each other’s messages 😛

Putting something on each other’s pillows could work though…

[Vashalla]

Thanks Heather and Bitesize. I’m still dilating regularly, though I had a setback last week and didn’t dilate at all because I was sick. I gave myself a pass on that though. I decided to ease back into dilation gently and start for a while using smaller dilators that I know I won’t have a problem with – especially when I sleep. Mainly, I’m doing that to try and break the negative emotions I have about dilation. I’m back up to the #4 being fairly comfortable for a couple of hours in the evening, and if I remember correctly, I only need to get up to the #5 in order for my boyfriend and I to be able to have sex. I was actually kind of surprised last night when I realized that the dilator I’ve been using was the #4 and not the #3 like I thought. It’s been going in pretty easily.

[Vashalla]

Vina, thank you for your encouraging post. I guess it’s human nature to want to have a magic pill or a miracle cure that will fix all of your problems so that you don’t have to work at it anymore ever again. And thank you for the reminder that communication, like everything, takes practice. The more you do it, especially when it’s uncomfortable, the better you’ll get at it. Dr. Pacik recommended a book to me that I’m going to start reading soon: “Getting the Sex you Want” by Tammy Nelson.

Coffee, that’s great that you’re back up to the #6 dilator! Congrats! I know that the dilation therapy works, so definitely keep at it. I will too!

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