Falling off the wagon

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  • #8991
    Vashalla
    Participant

    It’s been far too long since I’ve posted here or even visited the forums. At the beginning of February, I started working with Dr. Pacik via remote counseling only, since the severity of my vaginismus wasn’t very high. I had a ton of success, and even managed to have sex for the first time with my boyfriend 22 days into the treatment. About 2 1/2 months in, I was doing very well. Sex still wasn’t spontaneous, but with a little planning, we could have it with no worries. I just had to dilate ahead of time, and we also found ways of making that dilation time fun. For the most part, we just made it so that we enjoyed the anticipation.

    Then several things happened, and as a result, I stopped dilating altogether.

    April is always a very busy month for me at work, and I was finding it harder to dilate as often or as long as I needed to. There were fewer hours in the day that I could claim as my own for dilating, and when I did get home, I was mentally and physically exhausted. The last thing I wanted to do, even if there was time, was dilate. Over time, my motivation waned, and I began to really enjoy coming home and not having to worry about it at all. I had gotten tired of doing it. It took too long, and it was never fun or wholly comfortable. There were certainly plenty of times when I was doing really well before that when the dilator didn’t hurt at all, and I could even drive with one in and a pillow under me, but it was still more of a hassle than I wanted in the long term. I know that it’s something I’m going to have to stick with for the long term, and that *eventually* I’ll be able to dilate less often to maintain good results. But I’m not there yet.

    Another thing that happened is that mine and my boyfriend’s successes with intercourse actually gave me a false sense of security. Part of me thought, “I’ve succeeded! Now I don’t have to dilate anymore!” The logical part of me knew that that wasn’t true, but over time, the illogical part of me won out. It was easier to not dilate than it was to do it. The same thing happened to me with regard to working out. I lost 25lb from May 2012 to May 2013, and I’m still fighting the illogical part of me that thinks I no longer have to work out. The scale has started creeping up again because of it.

    I don’t know if this is a reason for why I stopped dilating, but it is something that doesn’t help my motivation, I think. My boyfriend doesn’t ever initiate any intimate time. I always have to initiate, and that’s not something I do very well. He says that his libido is about the same now as it was before we started dating, so I know it’s lower than most guys. But, it does seem to me that maybe he never initiates partly because of my vagnismus and he doesn’t want to pressure me. I kinda wish there was at least a tiny bit of pressure from him, but maybe if there was a tiny bit of pressure from him, I’d wish the opposite. Who knows? I’m just not always a good self-motivator.

    So, now I’m back to the #3 silicone dilator being uncomfortable. I had to have my boyfriend bring me breakfast in bed and my computer the other day, and it took forever to arrange my pillows and find a position that wasn’t awful. I’ve taken such a huge step back, and it’s all my fault. I know I can get back to where I was again, but I hate that I have to climb this mountain all over again.

    #11840
    vina
    Participant

    Hi Vashalla,

    I have only been dilating for under a month and am struggling with it. I have motivation problems too, dilating and weight loss… make some progress and somehow think I’m done! Wish it was that easy.

    Initiation of intimacy has also been difficult with for my husband and me, even before the vaginal pain started. Neither of us were ever very good at it! The only way change could happen for us was dreaded communication. We had been together for several years before I finally got the guts to start a conversation. It has taken several uncomfortable talks, and probably will take some more, but things have gotten much better. The dreaded, awkward talks got so much easier and have gone from leaving the two of us feeling inadequate to some really fun times! Communication has really saved our relationship, and not just in the bedroom. We communicate in different ways and just figuring that out was a major breakthrough.

    I guess I didn’t have much to contribute, but I wish you well climbing your mountain.

    #11841
    coffee
    Participant

    Hello I have to as well, well for one reason my mental therapist has been sick the last three months. So I been trying to push myself, sept. 18 will be a year, still no intercourse yet, not giving up but determined, I finally got back up to 6 it was tight and some burning, but I plan to work my way through.

    #11842
    Vashalla
    Participant

    Vina, thank you for your encouraging post. I guess it’s human nature to want to have a magic pill or a miracle cure that will fix all of your problems so that you don’t have to work at it anymore ever again. And thank you for the reminder that communication, like everything, takes practice. The more you do it, especially when it’s uncomfortable, the better you’ll get at it. Dr. Pacik recommended a book to me that I’m going to start reading soon: “Getting the Sex you Want” by Tammy Nelson.

    Coffee, that’s great that you’re back up to the #6 dilator! Congrats! I know that the dilation therapy works, so definitely keep at it. I will too!

    #11849
    mmHeather34
    Moderator

    Hi Vashalla, Vina, and Coffee. I just wanted to let you know that I’m here for you all. I know that with perseverance, anything and everything can be accomplished and I believe in all of you so very much!!!!

    #11866
    Bitesize
    Participant

    Stay strong – I know the feeling, although I’ve only been on the dilators a few months I find it so hard to keep up the habit, especially when I’m struggling to find the time. But just remember how worth it the hard work will be. Falling off the wagon is natural enough, but once you’ve been at it again for a while, it’ll become almost effortless. Remember it takes 21 days to form a habit… so once you’ve used them again every day for 21 days it’ll already be easier! Good luck. (:

    #11875
    Vashalla
    Participant

    Thanks Heather and Bitesize. I’m still dilating regularly, though I had a setback last week and didn’t dilate at all because I was sick. I gave myself a pass on that though. I decided to ease back into dilation gently and start for a while using smaller dilators that I know I won’t have a problem with – especially when I sleep. Mainly, I’m doing that to try and break the negative emotions I have about dilation. I’m back up to the #4 being fairly comfortable for a couple of hours in the evening, and if I remember correctly, I only need to get up to the #5 in order for my boyfriend and I to be able to have sex. I was actually kind of surprised last night when I realized that the dilator I’ve been using was the #4 and not the #3 like I thought. It’s been going in pretty easily.

    #11885
    mmHeather34
    Moderator

    This is so great Vashalla! Keep up the excellent work!!!!!

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