Im gonna finallllly do it!!

[bosox2004]

I figured I’d post because right now I am experiencing a wide range of emotions I’m having a hard time even focusing on anything else.

I was originally scheduled to have my consultation with Dr. Pacik this upcoming Monday, November 18, and the actual procedure December 10 or 16. I e-mailed/called Cynthia today to confirm my consult for Monday and then the craziness began. She told me that December 10 and 16 were already booked and I was looking at the first opening was January 13; I just about cried. She told me she would talk with Dr. P and get back with me; about 10 minutes later, Dr. P called me and asked if I would want to do the consult AND procedure on Monday, November 18!! I was absolutely shocked because I had prepared myself for over a month for just a consult. I told him I would think about it and get back with him. I texted my hubby who was stuck in all day meeting and asked for his advice; he said to do what I feel best. Out of the blue, my pastor called me and asked how things were going; I told him about the possibility and he was like DO IT! I texted one of the moderators of this forum who has been so supportive (we live 15 minutes away from each other – how AWESOME is that??!!!!) throughout this process and she was so supportive and encouraging. Soooo, I finally worked up the nerve to call back and book the appointment!! I still can’t believe it’s going to happen but I’m sooo ready.

I still have quite a few logistics to figure out – my hubby can’t get the day off so I have to drive myself which is no biggie (I live about an hour away), but I can’t drive myself home obviously. So, my options are to stay with Dr. P and his wife, stay at a hotel and hire Ellen’s mom to be my caregiver, or have my pastor drive me back and forth. Quite frankly, I’m not even worried about the logistics because I know everything will fall into place- I’m just so ready to have this procedure. It’s been a long, painful journey and I’m ready to be on the other side of it.

I know there’s one other girl who is also having the procedure on the same day; if you’re reading this, please reply and maybe we can help each other get through the weekend!

I am obviously experiencing all the normal fears – it’s not gonna work for me; my vagina is weird/not normal/too small; maybe I really don’t have “V” and there’s no cure for me; I will never be able to dilate; etc. However, I’m just trying to ignore those feelings and focus on the positive. God didn’t bring me this far to leave me now so I know He will take care of everything.

I find it interesting that only hours before I had been reading my Bible and read the below verses in Lamentations 3; I literally wrote today’s date next to them as a way to “try and prove” God. Little did I know that less than 2 hours later, He would open a HUGE door that would definitely give me hope.

I hope these verses help someone else because they’ve been my lifeline for the last month:
21 This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope.
22 It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
23 They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
24 The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.

Dr. Pacik said something to me today that really stuck with me: “Your life is definitely going to change. We don’t know yet how it’s all going to evolve, but we do know that your life is going to change.” Those words hit home with me – my life is about to change for the better and I know I deserve it. This crazy nightmare is about to finally end and that gives me hope.

Hope everyone else is hanging in there.

[Vashalla]

Wow! Awesome! All the logistics will certainly fall into place one way or another. I’m not really sure what else to say other than that I’m really happy for you!

[Kim]

Holy crap Bosox2004 that is so awesome!!! I’m insanely excited for you! You’ll be in my thoughts & prayers this weekend! You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength! I say that as I’m a testimony to that very thing having my procedure just 4 days ago!

Keep us posted,
Kim

[Janet Pacik]

I am so happy for you that you made this decision to have treatment instead of the consultation. Over the years working with Dr. Pacik, I have seen how life changing this treatment is for women suffering with vaginismus. If there is anything at all that Dr. Pacik and I can do for you to make the logistics work for you, please let me know. We are here for you.

Heather, our moderator, started another topic a few weeks ago, that you might want to read. Topic: November and December Patients Please Read. There are some wonderful posts under this topic.

http://www.vaginismusmd.com/vaginismus-md-forum/?mingleforumaction=viewtopic&t=710.0

[Heather34]

This is so very exciting and I couldn’t be happier for you as well as the other woman who will be treated on Monday. Like Kim, the procedure for me was entirely life-changing and I know it will be for the both of you as well! Please let us all know if you guys have any questions or really anything at all and please, please know that we are all here for you and you will ROCK!!!!!!!! Sending huge hugs!!!!

[bosox2004]

Thank you everyone for the encouraging words! The logistics have been ironed out and I’m in the process of packing my overnight bag. The nerves are starting to creep in a little but I’m trying to ignore them. I’m more nervous of the actual procedure than anything else. I just keep telling myself that it will be over before I know it.

I did get to talk with the other girl who is also having her procedure done tomorrow. She’s so sweet and kind and we clicked immediately. I hope we can help each other tomorrow and help the other get through it.

If you think of it – prayers are much appreciated for both of us tomorrow!! I know I would feel so much better if my husband could go but due to his work schedule, he is unable to attend either day.

I’ll be sure to post again when I get a chance.

[Heather34]

Hi bosox2004. I seriously KNOW that you will have tremendous success tomorrow and you are so strong and courageous for taking this step and the stand to defeat vaginismus once and for all. You wrote “I’m more nervous of the actual procedure than anything else … I just keep telling myself that it will be over before I know it.” It will be over with before you know it and this nervousness is such a common feeling to have pre-procedure and one that I certainly shared with you. I was incredibly nervous but held on to the hope that it would work and I would prevail.

In writing this, I keep thinking of Dr. Pacik’s blog: David and Goliath. http://www.vaginismusmd.com/david-and-goliath/

In it, he writes: “Speak to the patient. I value each and every conversation I have with my patients before treatment. It helps them understand, helps them overcome some of their anxiety and sets the stage for good communication after treatment. It always gives me some additional insights into what is going on for the patient, and once again I learn something about the struggles of vaginismus or a concept that is re-enforced. Slowly, even at this stage we are beginning to “know the enemy”. Knowledge is power. The first strike comes in the operating room. Under anesthesia, Goliath has been rendered helpless as the anesthesia takes effect and reduces the muscular spasm to nothing more than an easily stretchable muscle. The power of spasm becomes jelly. The tightly closed fist of the entry muscle disappears. Botox is injected while the enemy is unconscious. Before Goliath regains consciousness, the muscle is dilated to one of the larger dilators and a long acting local anesthetic is injected to keep the powerful enemy weak after he wakes up. This results in a crippling blow . . . BUT The enemy wakes up, and though weakened, Goliath can still rear its ugly head. The fight is now a balance between the dueling dilators of David and the powerful muscles of Goliath that have been weakened but not yet controlled. David fights on knowing that once the arrows delivering the Botox become effective he will be able to continue to weaken his opponent. The long acting anesthesia allows the patient to continue dilating for several hours after treatment, without fear. During this time David is further coached on how to overcome the enemy. Hours are spent learning how to prepare daily logs for continued follow up, how to transition from dilators to intercourse, how to become erotic once again, positions of pelvic floor relaxation to make intercourse more comfortable and how to prepare for GYN exams. Much more is taught, but these are the basics leading to victory. More knowledge, more power. Goliath is held at bay, and weakened he begins to fall. Knowing that Goliath has been weakened gives David the final determination to throw more dilators at the monstrous muscles. Continued daily logs are showing greater comfort using the dilators as anxiety diminishes. The battle at times feels long, but the powerful Goliath is weakening. It is hard to believe, but the end is in sight. David conquers and the story ends as it should. The underdog wins. Intercourse is suddenly possible without pain. It takes David a little longer to overcome the stress of the battle. “I need to catch up emotionally to where I am physically” simply indicates that any of us need to get beyond stressful times, and this may take awhile. David believed in God, and God helped him win over the giant.”

I’m here for you bosox2004 and, again, KNOW that you will have tremendous success and you are so strong and courageous for taking this step and the stand to defeat vaginismus once and for all. Sending many prayers your way as well as huge hugs!!!! Can’t wait to read your future posts!!!!

[Nakitalab]

Hi bosox2004, I’m so excited for you! You are definitely in my prayers and will be throughout the next two days. Like Heather said we are all here for you! Sending you a big hug.

[Olivia]

Hello!! I am excited for you and just know you are in the thoughts and prayers of everyone on this forum!! You will overcome vaginismus and will be dilating before you know it!! 🙂

[Heather34]

Today is the day. Sending you positive thoughts and many, many prayers. You got this and will do so, so well!!!!!! :):):)

[Kim]

Thinking of you and the other lady going through the procedure with you today – much prayers in your direction!