Im new to this forum- my story

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    My name is Rainey and I am 23 years old- supposedly in the sexual prime of my life. I have previously had 7 sexual partners, and I lost my virginity at the young age of 15. I have no history of sexual abuse, but have had some relationship troubles in the past (painful breakups), but nothing really out of the ordinary. I also have some self esteem issues I am going to therapy for, and am progressing from greatly.

    I have recently (6 months ago) met the person who I believe to be the one I am going to marry. Our relationship is amazing. He is my best friend, I have never been more attracted to anybody, and we get along great. He treats me with respect and love, and accepts me for who I am (unlike relationships I have had in the past). Another thing that may be of interest is that I have never in my life had an orgasm that wasn’t due to clitoral stimulation, and I have had plenty of sex from penetration.

    For some reason, ever since the first time we had sex, there was immense pain. Only with him has it hurt, and never has it hurt in the past, even once. For months the only way I could have sex was to use lidocane gel. He is larger than anyone I’ve ever been with, and that’s what I thought it was at first. It feels like a stinging pain, or like there was torn tissue inside. We have been dealing with this frustration for 6 months now, there have been several times where we just had to stop, and I have felt like a failure every time. There are times when he feels unwanted, even though he is understanding of what I’m going through. I have been to 2 separate gynecologists and neither of them knew what to tell me (except to use lube) because there was nothing physically wrong (I underwent tests for infection as well). I have done kegel exercises with my vibrator, and tried different mental ways of approaching sex that have slightly helped, but the pain remains. I just want to have sex as much as I want- like before. Am I doomed forever with this issue? Will I always have to be conscious of this, and have to be careful? I hate it so much.


    Hi Rainey. Welcome to the Forum and thank you so, so much for your post. I am so sorry to hear of your struggles. For so long in the past, I too felt similar in that I felt like a failure with all of our failed attempts at intercourse and my husband felt unwanted. The whole thing took a huge toll on our relationship. Please know you are not doomed with this issue forever and there is help out there. I would definitely recommend contacting the office and working with Dr. Pacik in any way possible (i.e. procedure, remote supported counseling, etc.). I also think the glass dilators may really, really help you. They are available in the larger sizes and are much more comfortable than any other dilators that I’ve used as they are shorter in length. They also have a handle which makes them easy to insert, remove, and re-insert. What helped me in the past was to dilate for a couple of hours in advance of intercourse. Then, my husband and I would also imitate intercourse with the dilators and we actually had fun incorporating this into our foreplay together. Then, he would remove the dilators and insert himself and it was pain-free. You would not have to dilate in advance forever, but it may really, really help and dissipate the pain you are experiencing right now. Another idea would be to try using one of the replica kits (i.e. clone-a-willy). With this, you could essentially have a dilator that is the exact size (width/length) as your partner and dilate in advance of intercourse with this as well as incorporate into your foreplay. Again, this is something you would not have to do forever but it may really help right now. Here are a couple of links to more information about the glass dilators as well as replica kits. I hope this helps. Please, please know that we are all here to support you.

    Glass Dilators:

    Replica Kits:


    Hey Rainey, nice to meet you… your story sounds a bit like mine! I had sex regularly and with different people between the ages of 17 and 20 no problem (I’m almost 23 now) but a while into my relationship with my current boyfriend I developed this problem – probably as a result of us both living with families and find it very difficult to find anywhere to have sex when we can relax and be comfortable. It’s so frustrating when it was never a problem before.
    Just want to say that I’ve been attending Psychosexual Therapy since March and using the dilators since June and I have already been able to see some progress – it’s a slow process but I’m staying confident that it’ll work. We just have to stay optimistic, but personally I refuse to believe that this is a lifelong problem for me. Stay strong.x


    Hi Rainey. You’re definitely not doomed to this forever. Are you still able to have pain-free penetration with things that are smaller than your boyfriend? Or do those suddenly hurt as well? If you’re still able to use smaller dilators, vibrators, or dildos, then you’re at a great starting place to work up to your boyfriend’s size. If not, you still can definitely get to where you need to be. It could be that your muscles just aren’t used to stretching quite that much, and they need a little help to learn that they can do that and that it can be very pleasurable.

    As far as orgasms via clitoral stimulation, that’s extremely normal. I think most women aren’t able to orgasm off penetration alone. I know that during sex, I have to stimulate my clitoris as well before I can orgasm.

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