[recessivegenequeen]

Sks823, that’s amazing news! Congratulations on your baby! I’m curious given your history with vaginismus whether it was hard to return to sex after the birth, if that happened at any point. Thanks so much for sharing your story!

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi Egg123 – I’m so sorry to hear that this happened to you and continues to provide so much pain and discomfort. I hope you won’t blame yourself too much because part of what makes vaginismus so difficult for the people who experience it is that certain types of discomfort are part of the treatment, and it’s unusually difficult to describe the type of pain you’re experiencing to someone else or know for sure if what you’re hearing about is what you’re feeling. You couldn’t have known the soft tissue damage would happen and it’s unfortunate that your medical team wasn’t more helpful. Your feelings of frustration are valid. I hope your current treatment strategies work and that you feel better soon!

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi Vee0706 – I used lidocaine gel every time I dilated for awhile and didn’t have any issues personally. Also, are you warming up with the dilator sizes you’re comfortable with before trying to put the 3rd one in? That can make a big difference, and I really can’t emphasize enough how much it helps to dilate every day, even if it’s just for literally a couple of minutes. Maybe right before a shower? Before bed? Before you get up for the day? Finding that little window can help you make progress long term.

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi Vee0706 – I’m so sorry you’ve been having this problem! Both the physical and emotional factors can make it SUPER hard to motivate to dilate. We all have busy lives and finding the time and fortitude to stick with something so demanding takes work, so I want to validate that you’re undertaking something hard and it isn’t always straightforward!

When you’re struggling to make the commitment to dilate, I’d first recommend resetting your goal somewhere that seems manageable, whatever that looks like. Tell yourself you only have to do 5 minutes, or even that you just have to TRY dilating every day, and you’ll start to see more consistent results. It can be easy to psych ourselves out by putting expectations on every session being long or productive, but consistency matters more in the long run and is more meaningful when building a habit. And this time commitment won’t be forever – it may help to think of it as a project in service of starting a family.

[recessivegenequeen]

MostSensitiveWoman, the burning sensation with dilation is definitely one of the hardest parts to overcome, but once you realize it’s normal you hopefully won’t be as worried about it and will get used to it faster!

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi Lily678 – first of all, congratulations on the progress you’ve made so far! Getting started with dilators can be so hard and the fact that you’ve moved up several sizes is a huge milestone and an indicator that dilation is working for you (just maybe not as quickly as you’d like).

First of all, you say you’re regularly dilating but I am curious what you mean by regular. My experience as I was moving up in size was that I needed to dilate every day to really see results – I know how intense and inconvenient that can be, but it also helps you manage the highs and lows that are a regular part of dilating. It can be frustrating because our vaginas change a lot over the course of a menstrual cycle and some days it’s just going to be harder than others to dilate regardless of the effort we’re putting in. It can be easy to get discouraged and take a break from dilating when this happens, but I would recommend just moving to a smaller dilator size you can manage comfortably and then working your way back up again. I know it can feel annoying if it seems like you’re losing progress, but in reality this is just part of the challenge of making progress.

Let us know if you have other dilation questions, we’re always happy to help!

[recessivegenequeen]

Thanks for sharing your experience, JackieO! It’s interesting how different some of our experiences are with these problems yet so many details feel universal (I’ve never been pregnant but have definitely had that “jump off the table” feeling). This detail is useful for the other women on the forum for sure!

[recessivegenequeen]

Thanks for sharing, Melissa! This is a great resource!

[recessivegenequeen]

That’s great news! I have had issues and gotten UTIs with different/cheaper lubes so that is definitely a common problem. So glad you figured it out!

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi GirlFromEngland – great to hear from you, and thank you for the kind words! Even though it’s been several years since I’ve had the procedure, I definitely still remember how hard it was emotionally to be dealing with vaginismus so have so much care in my heart for you!

Personally, I will say that I didn’t really notice a difference between before or after when the botox wore off. For me what seemed like the difference-maker of the procedure was waking up with the dilator in (which I know you didn’t do) and just getting comfortable with dilating during the time I was receiving the benefits of the botox. Building the dilation habit and making sure to do it every day were the things that seemed to really get my body ready for intercourse. I WAS dating a partner I transitioned to having sex with at the time, so it’s hard for me to totally match my experience to yours, but I think if you keep up the dilation habit you won’t have problems even once the botox wears off.

Just in terms of the new person you’re dating, I don’t know your situation or the extent to which your partner knows about your vaginismus, but something you might want to try if you’re open about the fact that you’re dilating and get to a point where you want to try having intercourse with this person is to have him insert the dilators so you can get some experience not being in total control of the dilator’s movement. It’s also especially helpful to dilate right before trying to have intercourse so you’re warmed up. Finally, I just want to mention this because it comes up A LOT, but it’s super normal for a partner who knows about your vaginismus struggles to have trouble getting an erection just in case he’s worried about hurting you. There are several ways of working through that that we’ve discussed on the forums.

I hope this helps and let us know if you have any other questions!

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi MrsYou – this is definitely a common problem, so don’t despair! The fact that you are able to move up through the dilator sizes to some degree is a sign that dilation can work for you and that you have had success in the past, so what’s required now is channeling those strengths into a regimen that gets actual results.

In my experience of dilating after getting the Botox procedure at the Maze clinic, the absolute most important factor of success in dilating is CONSISTENCY, even moreso than the rigor or length of the dilation. Dilating for 5-10 minutes every day for 3 weeks will get you further than dilating for 30 minutes every few days when you feel like it. There’s just something about the daily engagement that helps your body not to lose the progress it’s made and get used to the idea that penetration can be regular and not unpleasant.

How you’re able to achieve that consistency is something you’ll probably know best about yourself. What’s something you do every day and what makes you do it? This could be going for a walk, brushing your teeth, or anything else you’ve learned to do every day without having to go through an involved decision-making process about or checking in with yourself about whether you “feel like” doing it. The other major advantage of doing it every day is that it removes any calculation around whether you FEEL like doing it – you simply do it. We eat and sleep not because we feel like it but because we must, and I recommend bringing that mental framing to this same exercise.
I hope this helps – I think if you’re able to dilate a little every day you’ll start to see bigger results. Let us know if you have other questions or there’s anything else we can help with!

[recessivegenequeen]

Melissa and Helen have given great advice here – and I want to commend you for your patience and support of your partner during what I know from personal experience can be a long and difficult journey (having dealt with Vaginismus for 9 years before getting treatment). To what the other posters have said, I would add that just being there as a resource while she seeks treatment is a great help. Check in often about how she’s feeling physically and emotionally. Remind her that progress isn’t a straight line and that setbacks are part of making long-term gains. Find things that give you both pleasure that don’t involve penetration and learn more about what each of you like and how you can feel close to each other. This does not have to be something she lives with forever, and having a supportive partner can make a huge difference in long-term success.

[recessivegenequeen]

GGC_22 – I am so sorry for all that you have been through because I know how hard so much of this can be. I dealt with vaginismus for 9 years before finally getting treatment that worked for me long-term and those years were littered with self-loathing, shame, pain, and guilt. I say all this to let you know that as hard as it might be to believe, those emotions can become part of your past if you have the right type of treatment. This phase of your life might have felt endless, but it CAN just be a phase.

The thing that finally worked for me was the botox treatment offered at the Maze clinic, and I think you’d be a great candidate for something like that. It sounds like you have a great care team on your side but that your progress has plateaued – you might just be someone with a more serious case who needs additional care and help. I highly recommend you research the procedure more here on the Maze website and give them a free call just to discuss your options. Also, I hope you’ll give yourself grace for the fact that your breakup is bound to have emotional effects that are making this harder on you. Don’t give up – so many women have overcome this condition and you can too!

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi Bridget – I’m so sorry to hear about your experience, it definitely sounds parallel to my experience of vaginismus and can be really physically and emotionally difficult. I got treated with the botox procedure at Maze and I strongly recommend calling them to learn more – it worked for me when so many other things hadn’t for nearly 10 years. I will say that counseling can help too because the emotional experience of a sexual issue can have elements that need to be worked through, but often that isn’t enough on its own to solve the problem. Let us know if you have other questions and best of luck in pursuing solutions!

[recessivegenequeen]

All great suggestions Melissa! I’d definitely go to a doctor or gynecologist and rule out a yeast infection or something like that. In terms of lubes, I think water/silicone blends like Sliquid Naturals Silk is excellent and might work for you. I don’t recommend water-based lubes myself as they dry out so fast.

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