Vaginismus at 21

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    Hi guys,
    I’m new here. I just found this forum and am really struggling with this part of my life right now so I thought I’d come on here to get some advice. I’ve had vaginismus for a very long time. I think the cause stems from some early childhood sexual abuse. I remember being 12, just got my period and having panic attacks so bad about putting tampons in I would pass out. I’ve started my sexual abuse healing journey in October of 2022 and have made great progress. I’ve been in pelvic floor therapy since June 2021 and started using dilators in June 2022.
    Since the dilator use, I feel like I’ve made some progress. I’ve gone from having panic attacks in the parking lot of my pelvic floor therapy clinic before even walking in to using the size 1 dilator about 3/4 of the way in. But I’ve recently had some setbacks. I just broke up with my long-term partner because I thought that being by myself might help me further progress. He’s been a great support these last few years but I was feeling like I was plateauing in my dilator progress. Our sex life has been non-existent the past couple of years because anything physically intimate reminds me of how I am broken. So I decided to end things for the time being.
    Since this, I have been having panic attacks as I start my breathing process before even inserting the dilator. This has set me back physically and mentally. I am having recurring thoughts that I am broken, that I will never fix this problem and even suicidal thoughts that this pain will last forever.
    I have a great physical therapist who has been so informative and encouraged me every step of the way. I’m also currently seeing a mental health counselor who specializes in sexual health. I feel like I have all the right people on my side and it’s my fault I’m not progressing. I’m just not sure what to do anymore. I feel like these past few panic attacks have set me back to even worse than when I first started.
    Any advice?

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