New here – seeking information and tips.
November 11, 2023 at 6:01 am #68282SinfulstanceParticipant
Hey there, new comer here and not good at sharing personal details like this so forgive me if I can’t find the right words or if I seem to come off wrong. I’m M 22 and my partner is 23 F with Vaginismus. We’ve been together for around 6 months now but also had a previous relationship back in middle school. We’ve had talks about our sexual desires/sexting for the past couple months, and last night I found out new information. I’ve given her oral sex over the past couple months and she seemed to really enjoy it, but I never pushed it further or wanted anything in return. Last night we took it a step further and I used one finger in her and once I noticed it was causing more pain than pleasure for her I stopped and just went to holding her and cuddling.
After a while of laying there in silence she confided to me about the SA she experienced from a previous relationship in high school, and how it has caused her problems with penetrative actions. She has been diagnosed with Vaginismus and she told me since we started talking together again how she’s been trying to get treatment and wanted to be ready for me by the time our relationship hit that stage. She started apologizing to me a few times. I tried my best to make her feel reassured, loved, and comfort her, and tried to calm her as it was late at night and I knew she needed sleep for work. I could sense a feeling of guilt and shame from her, and it saddens me to think she’s feeling that way. Sexual intercourse isn’t anywhere near the top on my priority list. I just want her to feel loved and know I’m there for her every step of life regardless of sex or not.
Any tips y’all could give me on to help reassure her and help her not feel the guilt and shame that she is feeling?November 14, 2023 at 4:31 pm #68287mazemelissaModerator
Just being there for her and giving her support is huge. I’d also reassure her that she is not alone. Vaginismus is more common than women think, and it is a very treatable condition.
She can have a fulfilling sex life in the future if she finds the right providers and treatment.
Non penetrative intimacy until the vaginismus is treated is great. Hands, mouths, vibrators, clitoral stimulation for pleasure.
If you live in the NY area, you can tell her about our center, and we would be happy to help her with treatment.
She should also check out the forum and see that she is not alone.
MelissaNovember 14, 2023 at 4:38 pm #68288Helen Leff, LCSWModerator
Your post is appreciated. It sounds like you really want to be there for your partner. You can continue to show compassion and understanding, as you have been doing, as well as encourage her to get the treatment she needs. Vaginismus is very treatable/curable. Feelings of guilt and shame often accompany this condition and can be worked through. We cannot control how someone else is feeling however, we can let them know they are not alone and be there for them.
We treat vaginismus at Maze and understand that it is a physiological issue which requires a physiological treatment. And, there is usually an emotional component to it which also needs to be addressed.
Thanks for posting and let us know how you both are doing.
HelenNovember 25, 2023 at 7:35 pm #68307recessivegenequeenParticipant
Melissa and Helen have given great advice here – and I want to commend you for your patience and support of your partner during what I know from personal experience can be a long and difficult journey (having dealt with Vaginismus for 9 years before getting treatment). To what the other posters have said, I would add that just being there as a resource while she seeks treatment is a great help. Check in often about how she’s feeling physically and emotionally. Remind her that progress isn’t a straight line and that setbacks are part of making long-term gains. Find things that give you both pleasure that don’t involve penetration and learn more about what each of you like and how you can feel close to each other. This does not have to be something she lives with forever, and having a supportive partner can make a huge difference in long-term success.
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