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When insertion of a dilator hurts, I wouldn’t call that a success. I think the purpose is to be able to insert a dilator painless.

What helped me to relax is getting as close to an orgasm as possible before dilating. This widens the vaginal walls and makes it easier to do the exercises. There is a thread on this technique over here:

Controversial or normal?

I’ve also got an article here somewhere which describes this technique in more detail, I’ll see if I can scan it for you.

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It’s nice to also hear a male voice here from time to time. Very interesting read, thanks.
As Anna wrote here, most guys are suffering from one or another sexual dysfunction when their partner has/had vaginismus. It’s very common. Just give it some time.

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Oh Theresa, that’s such a heartbreaking story… I don’t think it really helps, but you should realize you’re not alone and I absolutely agree more education is needed on this topic, especially for young girls.

In most cases, vaginismus is present from the first time you have sex, so if you’re having sex when you’re 14, 15 or 16, you’re bound to run into this issue. I have no clue what Maze does for these young girls, perhaps they can tell us something about their youngest patients and the way they help them out.

I’m glad you finally found the courage to talk about the pain you had with your mum. Was she understanding?

If there is anything that lots of patients share, it’s the idea that pain is “normal” and that it’s part of sex. And I understand how you’ve got confused – the first time I saw porn I also thought those women weren’t enjoying sex. Porn is generally aimed towards men, with women as “victims”. The exaggerated screaming and shouting gives the impression they aren’t enjoying sex at all.

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I think there *are* limits, especially for vaginismus patients. But I’d rather let someone else comment on this one.

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No, I’m not dilating anymore.

When one size didn’t fit anymore, I switched back to a previous size.

Your setback can be due to the fact you stopped dilating for a few days, I always continued even while I was having my period (just put a towel on the bed and take a shower afterwards).

What also helps is getting sexually excited, like reading a book with your favorite passages and fantasizing before actually starting to dilate. As long as you’re not having an orgasm, this helps the vaginal walls to relax.

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Don’t worry about your age, plenty of the women here on the forum are older.

What I do find strange is that you’re already working with the largest dilator and penetration is still painful.

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Yes, encouraging women to explore themselves would definitely be a better idea. But I’m afraid that won’t happen soon. Only a small percentage of American female teenagers masturbate, and those numbers are even declining year after year.

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I’ve had such setbacks as well, and the most difficult part IMHO is the psychological issues that comes into play at that moment. When I noticed a certain dilator didn’t fit anymore, I started panicking and worrying etc and that doesn’t help AT ALL. I couldn’t relax anymore because I felt bad because of the setback, and if my memory serves me right, I even had to go back 3 sizes to start again from there and build up my confidence again.

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I think this is definitely something most of us have dealt with, so you’re not alone. I think you need to keep on talking about the issues you’ve got to your husband, and find other ways to be intimate.

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Thanks Mark, that was SUPER informative to read.

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Mark, something I thought about, and I’m not sure the others here agree on this so please let me know… but would it be a good idea if you could share a few of the background stories of your clients (anonymously of course)? I’m sure there are things you’ve seen/witnessed/handled we can all learn from…

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Most women have found a way to get around their vaginismus in their marriage or relation, at least temporarily, and usually the alternative is masturbation (in each others presence or one partner doing it on the other one). And when you’re like my husband and never had sex before with another partner, that means they had NO other way of stimulation besides masturbation, for their entire life. It’s a HIGHLY underrated issue that causes problems in almost ALL couples once penetration is allowed.

The ejaculatory reflex might be triggered at the wrong moment, causing premature ejaculations or – perhaps even worse – guys having a hard time finishing at all. Sometimes the intensity of stimulation in the vagina is so different when compared to the tight grip of a hand, guys don’t feel enough and can continue forever without ever getting an orgasm. Or they get tired, get flaccid, give up, etc… Others can’t stand the warmth/moist and ejaculate as soon as they penetrate the vagina, or even faster, when thinking about what is about to come is already enough to trigger an orgasm. The entire spectrum is possible.

My therapist warned me this could happen and thanks to her we were able to work things out, but I’m not sure this is info that every practitioner shares with their clients.

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I still remember one paragraph from the sex ed book my mother gave me: “the first time you have sex will probably be painful, awkward, bloody or unsatisfying, but it gets beter”. That was hard to read as a teen, but SO true and honest! I don’t have kids yet so I’m not sure books these days still have that kind of info, but I’ll always try to be as open on this as I can to my (future) daughters. Sex can be quite painful the first few times, but it SHOULD stop at some point. If that’s not the case, I’ll tell her she can always come to me or ask her doctor, but she shouldn’t consider pain as being something normal.

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I wish this was a more mainstream practice too! You’re going a great job!

Pretty scare to see that in some women with vaginismus, penetration seems to be the easiest part. So much can turn up in our heads that messes up with how we feel about sex!

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I agree with recessivegenequeen, it’s not a necessary element during dilation exercises, but it DOES help.

My therapist learned me that when you’re excited, your body prepares itself to accommodate a penis, so masturbation before/during dilation WILL actually help if you’re able to do that! She did prohibit me from getting orgasms though, so getting sexually excited was okay, but that’s where it should end. As a previous poster wrote, an orgasm does the opposite and makes your vagina contract, renders the opening smaller and more difficult to penetrate. So that’s definitely not a good idea during dilation.

I have heard there are also therapists who integrate masturbation into their treatment plan, together with Tantra, breathing exercises and relaxation techniques.

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