[Ettina]

Thanks! I’m really glad I had the courage to ask.

I took the dilators along to my ultrasound a few days ago, and I think it made things a lot easier. Although I misunderstood what size the ultrasound thing was, and went up to a dilator size larger than the ultrasound thing’s size, so anyone who is planning to do the same thing should try to compare them more carefully than I did!

[Ettina]

Good news! I called them today and it’s totally fine!

[Ettina]

Personally, I’ve found that when I’m pushing my limits, I get sore afterwards. If I got really sore with one session, I’ll take it easy the next day – when I was first starting, I’d skip dilating the next day, but now I dilate with sizes I know I’m completely fine with. Then after a day of rest, I do it again, and the pain is generally a lot less. I’ve also found that taking acetaminophen afterwards is helpful.

[Ettina]

It’s completely safe. Just more messy than usual.

If you’re in too much discomfort, it’s OK to take a break, or to use a smaller size than usual. However, some women find that it’s actually easier during their period, because your vaginal muscles are relaxed to help evacuate the menstrual blood more easily.

Personally, I’ve found it a mixed bag – I might be more tense or less tense depending on how much my cramps are bothering me.

[Ettina]

They have made the decision to get treatment for themselves, and are not in a race to be “ready.”

Depends on the person. I’m hoping to resume trying to conceive via IUI in January, and I’ve definitely felt a push to make faster progress because of that. A romantic partner isn’t the only factor that could make someone be in a hurry to overcome vaginismus.

[Ettina]

I’m so glad you’re pointing this out! I’m asexual, so the idea of having sex holds no appeal to me. Vaginismus or no, I don’t have any interest in ever losing my virginity. If I ever find a romantic partner, it’ll be someone who is completely fine with never having sex with me, but honestly I’m happy without a romantic partner, either. (Some asexuals feel romantic desire, I personally don’t.)

But I do want to get pregnant. And when I was getting IUI treatments before the pandemic, I found the IUI applicator was way too big and intensely painful inside me. My goal in treating vaginismus is that I can have IUI treatments, and ultrasounds as needed, without being in intense pain throughout the procedure.

[Ettina]

I got that book and I haven’t had much luck with it. I can’t really feel those muscles or tell what I’m doing with them most of the time, and sometimes I just clench up for awhile and can’t relax them. I’ve had more benefits just using dilators, because then I can actually feel what’s happening – whether I’m fighting the dilator or relaxing. I don’t know if it’s just me (I’m autistic and often experience sensory sensations differently) or if most women have trouble with those exercises.

[Ettina]

It sounds like besides the vaginismus itself preventing penetration, you’re also having a lot of trouble with talking about the subject and communicating effectively with your husband. Therapy might help, as others have said – both for you individually, and for both you and your husband together. Vaginismus doesn’t have to mean that you don’t have a sex life, if you and your partner communicate well and are creative about what you try in bed. (A sex toy reviewer I know has vaginismus and it doesn’t stop them from having tons of fun with their partner.)

[Ettina]

That pain sounds like it’s in a similar area to when I have a really bad bladder infection. My vaginismus pain is more like a ring of tension all around the vagina, right near the entrance.

I have really bad menstrual cramps, but I don’t know if it’s related to my vaginismus. The vaginismus itself sometimes gets worse if I’m in a lot of pain in other areas, but my tooth extraction actually had far more impact than my menstrual cramps ever had.

I have frequent UTIs and mild urge and stress incontinence (the urge sometimes comes on so suddenly it’s hard to control, and sneezing or coughing can make me wet sometimes). Sometimes relaxing for the dilator makes me feel like I’m going to wet myself, but otherwise I haven’t noticed any change in my bladder because of dilating. Having a full bladder makes it a lot harder to relax for the dilator, which sucks because my goal is to tolerate an IUI better and the IUI is easier for them to do if my bladder is full.

[Ettina]

I’d just like to say that each time I’m pushing myself to a new stage in my treatment, I’ve experienced the burning pain you described. When I was first starting with the smallest size and each time I’ve gone up a size. It fades after awhile if you keep at it. And acetaminophen can help lessen the ache.

[Ettina]

I can feel if it hits my cervix. It’s sometimes painful, but even when it isn’t, it’s definitely noticeable to me. Then again, I’ve sometimes hit my cervix with my finger (it feels kind of like a closed flower bud in shape), so I know what that feeling means.

In general, I’d say don’t worry too much about hitting your cervix. It’s not going to cause any harm, it just might trigger cramping sometimes. If you have menstrual cramps, irritating the cervix causes similar cramps but way less intense.

As for pregnancy, if it’s safe to have sex, it’s also safe to dilate. So unless your OB-gyn says otherwise, it’s fine. In fact, I’d recommend keeping up with the dilation since vaginismus can make you more likely to tear during labor, according to some studies I’ve read. I am also trying to conceive, and I’m planning to keep dilating during pregnancy to make the labor easier.

[Ettina]

I also have had burning pain, and spotting from dilating. The spotting only happened a couple times when I was first starting out with dilating, while the burning pain happens pretty much any time I’m pushing my limits, such as going up a size. Both of these fade with time and practice in my experience.

[Ettina]

Eventually I’ll have to get bigger dilators too, since my goal is to tolerate IUIs better (I’m trying to conceive as a single mom by choice) and my biggest dilator is way smaller than the IUI applicator.

[Ettina]

I’ve had three unsuccessful cycles with IUI, and I’m going to start trying again in December.

I’ve found that my vaginismus makes the IUI a lot more painful, so I got some dilators and I’ve been practicing, but progress is going slow and I have a long way to go before I’m even close to comfortably taking the size of the applicator, so I’m starting to get discouraged.

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