[Nicole]

Congratulations Haley and Bethany! I know how scary the anticipation can be. I was incredibly nervous, but it’s been 2 months since I’ve had the procedure and I can say that it’s been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made and I’m SO glad that I went through with it!

Bethany – I also shared your fear of transitioning from dilating to intercourse. I remember feeling terrified that all of the negative emotions I associated with sex would prohibit me from ever making the transition from dilating to intercourse. I had so many walls (emotional and physical) built up to protect myself that seemed impossible to just put behind me. I can say from experience, though, that in less than two months, I was able to make the transition to intercourse and maybe even kind of enjoy it?!? It still seems crazy to say that because I think I just always assumed sex would never be enjoyable (or anything other than painful), but as I’ve dilated and stretched and made my husband a part of the process, my fears have started to fade away and I’ve gained confidence in my body and in my relationship with my husband. It’s a slow process and I’m still apprehensive of intercourse, but I just wanted to let you know I was exactly in your shoes just 2 months ago and am in disbelief at where I am now!

Good luck to both of you on your upcoming procedures! I can’t wait to hear of your progress and success 🙂

[Nicole]

So good to hear your update Kim! I’ve been thinking about you and Olivia as well and I’m so glad you’ve been able to achieve so much! I totally know what you’re saying about the confidence boost you’ve been feeling. It’s amazing how differently I view my body now compared to just 3 weeks ago. I don’t know if I ever realized it, but I really did despise my body. I felt like it was broken and abnormal and couldn’t do what comes so naturally to everyone else. But in the past week and a half especially, I’ve noticed that I feel almost invincible! I’m just so proud of my body and how it’s responded to everything.

As for my update, I just advanced to the #5 glass dilator this week and feel so happy! When I emailed Dr. Pacik about my progress, he reminded me how just a couple of weeks ago I was so frustrated with my progress. I was upset that I couldn’t progress to the #5 and felt like I was “behind”. He told me it was fine to stay with the #4 for a couple of weeks, and I’m glad he did. It took the pressure off of feeling like I had to race through the sizes and I took the time to catch up mentally to where I was physically. When I started dilating after the procedure, I found that to help ease my extreme anxiety, I would place a vibrator between my thighs next to my vagina just to help ease the muscle tension. After about 5-10 minutes of this, I would get the #4 dilator lubed up and then just let the tip of it rest inside for a little while. After feeling comfortable with the feeling of the dilator so close to me, I would begin pushing it in, but it usually took me 10-15 minutes. I was so scared of the pain that I would feel and afraid that I was pushing it the wrong direction, that my hands tensed up and it was difficult to even push the dilator inside.

About a week and a half ago, I realized that my anxiety was making me think the pain was worse than it actually was. So after a few minutes with the vibrator, I just decided to push it in non-stop and see what happened. I was amazed to see how easy and painless it was! I couldn’t believe it. Since then, it’s only taken me about 30 seconds to get the dilator in place. I realized that I needed to trust my body and have faith that the botox would work. It also reaffirmed to me that this condition is just as mental as it is physical. If I can get a grip on the mental part, the physical part becomes so much easier. After the procedure, our bodies are ready, but our minds still need “fixing”. We have to trust in ourselves and trust in the botox.

When I first tried the #5, it definitely burned a bit. I tried pushing it in for 10 minutes and could feel my anxiety rising. So I stopped for just a minute, told myself that the pain was there but it was manageable, then pushed it right in. The next night, it only took me about 4 minutes to get it in and my anxiety was considerably less. It’s been so empowering for me to gain control over my anxiety that has been so debilitating in the past! I often let my mind run rampant and imagine that it’s going to be worse than it actually is. When I do feel pain, I tell myself that it’s a good thing because it means that the muscles are being stretched and I’m getting closer to my goal!

I just feel so happy to be at this point and even happier to hear about the success of everyone else! What a wonderful feeling to have confidence in your own body!

[Nicole]

Hey Molly! I just wanted to pop in and say how much I admire your attitude towards this struggle. It is not easy to be grateful for such a challenge, but it must surely make a world of difference in how you now see your body. It is such a rollercoaster of a ride (especially the first couple of weeks) and your emotions can be all over the place sometimes. Elated that you were able to even put a dilator in, frustrated that you can’t advance to the next size, apprehensive about your expectations for intercourse, etc. But I love the attitude of any pain you experience being the admission towards a more fulfilling and happy life! Thanks so much for your words and I can’t wait to hear more of your journey!

[Nicole]

I would have to say my top 3 tips would be:

1. Stay in contact with Dr. Pacik before and after the procedure. Call or send emails when you have any questions or concerns. Sometimes the scariest part is just having questions!

2. Read Dr. Pacik’s book, “When Sex Seems Impossible”. I thought I knew everything about vaginismus until I read this book. You will learn more about your body and why it behaves the way it does, and understand how and why the botox procedure is effective. I became much more confident about going forward with the procedure after reading it. It was also helpful to share parts of it with my husband to help him understand why my body acts the way it does.

3. Make yourself a priority. I know for me, I sometimes felt guilty about even having this condition and for the pain it’s caused me and my husband. I just wanted to forget about it and move on in my life. But I realized that I deserve more than that. I deserve to have a healthy sex life and a healthy body. I deserved to have this procedure and to put the time and money towards fixing this area of my life. I can’t explain the change in attitude that I’ve had regarding myself in the past 3 weeks since having the procedure. I no longer despise my body and resent it for being “broken”. Choosing to have this procedure may have been one of the scariest things I’ve done, but it’s also been the most rewarding. I’m so glad that I made this a priority!

[Nicole]

Hi Kim! I finally got on the forum and I’m happy to see you and Olivia here! I’ve been thinking about you both so much this past week and I hope you guys are both doing well 🙂

Thanks so much Heather and Nakitalab for the encouragement! It really is such a rollercoaster right after. It’s hard not to think “I should be further along than this” and not have too many expectations about what size dilator you’re on. And some days are definitely more painful than others. But how amazing is it there is even a dilator in there?! Baby steps!

[Nicole]

I just wanted to pop in and say thank you as well 🙂 I was with Olivia and Kim as well and can’t believe that the procedure is behind me! I’ve been nervously anticipating it for some time now and it’s strange to think that it’s done! I think the highlight of my trip was getting to meet the other couples and see how we’ve had such similar experiences – trying out various methods before coming to NH (PT, dilating, counseling, etc.), finding out on our honeymoon that sex wasn’t going to be an option, finding other ways to be intimate with our partners. This condition can often make you feel like you’re the only couple that has ever struggled with this and it was wonderful to realize just how not alone we are! Coming to Manchester and having this procedure done was such a huge step for me and I honestly feel so much more empowered. I have been dilating with the #4 glass since last week and although I can get frustrated that I haven’t advanced to #5, I have to remind myself what a huge accomplishment this is! Last night, my husband said to me while I was dilating, “There’s something IN there.” At first I thought that he was creeped out that I had a dilator in me (?) until he explained that nothing has ever been in “there” before. This is a huge milestone and I can’t wait to continue to have more success 🙂 Thank you so much Dr. Pacik and everyone else involved for all the hard work you do. It is a breath of fresh air to have a doctor completely understand what we’re all going through and not just think we’re crazy. For everyone contemplating having the procedure or maybe holding back, thinking there’s another option, just do it. You’ll be scared and nervous but I can tell you from experience, it’s completely worth it. For once in my life, there is an end in sight to this horrible condition. Call Dr. Pacik and gain control of your life back!

[Nicole]

Hi everyone. I’m on day 4 post-procedure and feeling a bit of frustration with myself regarding dilating. I have only been able to dilate up to #4 since the procedure, and haven’t been able to put the #5 in at all. Sometimes the #4 goes in quickly and painlessly, but last night it took me nearly 50 minutes to get it in and it was very painful. Of course, thoughts of failure and anxiety flood my mind and I have to remind myself that this is just the beginning of everything. I emailed Dr. Pacik about my concerns and he reminded me that it was much too early to be discouraged about where I am. He emphasized that there was no rush to get to the larger sizes right now, and it’s okay if I stay at #4 for the next couple of weeks. I think I put too much pressure on myself to advance to the larger sizes right away. But I’m going to keep trying and remind myself that this is a journey! There are going to be ups and downs along the way, but I’ve already come so far. I never thought I’d even be able to put ANY size dilator inside of me for ANY amount of time! It truly is amazing that I can tolerate it at all!

[Author]

Posts