Finally taking the plunge!

[Heather34]

Hi Kim! I absolutely LOVE this post and am so, so proud of you and Olivia and I am so incredibly happy that you have had your procedure and you have both come out on top!!!!! This is absolutely amazing!!!! I, too, can never listen to the Katy Perry Song, ROAR, again without thinking of you guys and smiling sooooo huge! Love it!!!! Huge, huge CONGRATS!!!!!

[Becca]

Thank you so much for sharing, Kim!! It is so nice to really get a full feeling for what the procedure and days after are like. 🙂

[Dr. Pacik]

What joy taking care of the three of you and your husbands. We had a great group! Progress during counseling was easy with everyone participating. We were able to speak about any and all topics not normally discussed with your friends over supper. Funny things kept happening and your story of the rambunctious couple next door was over the top. I’m still laughing! Yes, “Are you kidding?”
I could feel the closeness of your honey and his support during the treatment and the counseling. He is a very special man as were all the husbands who supported their loved ones. So much positive energy!
Yes, the three of you brought us to another milestone of 250 patients treated. It’s just a number but it says a lot. The ladies are still successful with over 90% being able to achieve pain free intercourse, or for singles the ability to use large dilators. It has been one of the most wonderful chapters in my career. I am still in touch with patients since 2008 and have cherished the many baby pictures I have gotten as well as the occasional “Hello”. I look forward to reading your daily logs as you make day to day progress. Please keep posting. You have made a difference with your ROAR!

[Olivia]

Janet, Kim, Heather, Dr. Pacik- thank you all for your posts and your encouraging words!! The trip to Manchester was lovely and memorable for so many reasons, I truly enjoyed the days we spent with Dr. Pacik and the entire team, meeting ladies like myself was encouraging as well. I am so excited about this new chapter of our lives and am so glad we made the trip out :). We did end up getting to drive out to the coast like Dr. Pacik suggested and it was truly beautiful and fun and was a great way to end our trip. Thank you all so so much!!

[Nicole]

I just wanted to pop in and say thank you as well 🙂 I was with Olivia and Kim as well and can’t believe that the procedure is behind me! I’ve been nervously anticipating it for some time now and it’s strange to think that it’s done! I think the highlight of my trip was getting to meet the other couples and see how we’ve had such similar experiences – trying out various methods before coming to NH (PT, dilating, counseling, etc.), finding out on our honeymoon that sex wasn’t going to be an option, finding other ways to be intimate with our partners. This condition can often make you feel like you’re the only couple that has ever struggled with this and it was wonderful to realize just how not alone we are! Coming to Manchester and having this procedure done was such a huge step for me and I honestly feel so much more empowered. I have been dilating with the #4 glass since last week and although I can get frustrated that I haven’t advanced to #5, I have to remind myself what a huge accomplishment this is! Last night, my husband said to me while I was dilating, “There’s something IN there.” At first I thought that he was creeped out that I had a dilator in me (?) until he explained that nothing has ever been in “there” before. This is a huge milestone and I can’t wait to continue to have more success 🙂 Thank you so much Dr. Pacik and everyone else involved for all the hard work you do. It is a breath of fresh air to have a doctor completely understand what we’re all going through and not just think we’re crazy. For everyone contemplating having the procedure or maybe holding back, thinking there’s another option, just do it. You’ll be scared and nervous but I can tell you from experience, it’s completely worth it. For once in my life, there is an end in sight to this horrible condition. Call Dr. Pacik and gain control of your life back!

[Dr. Pacik]

Thank you Nicole for adding your thoughts. This was truly a remarkable group of three couples all taking the journey together. It was a session that I will remember fondly for a long time. Each person made valuable contributions that helped enlighten the others. I always learn from every session and I too am grateful for the honesty we had. I hope the three (or six if we include the men) will continue to post to further empower those who are still struggling.

[Heather34]

Hi Nicole. Huge, huge congrats on having your procedure and coming out on the other side. For days to weeks to months afterwards, I had to keep pinching myself to know this was real and I was actually inserting dilators inside of my vagina when for 11+ years prior I was unable to even insert a q-tip. It truly feels like such a miracle post-procedure and incredibly empowering. You are making tremendous progress and one of my favorite lines from a post – “you are so far now from where you once were.” Whenever I felt any nervousness at all about anything post-procedure, I continuously repeated that line and took a moment to think about where I once was (i.e. the no q-tip insertion) to where I then was following this procedure. Having any of the sized dilators inserted is a huge accomplishment and I am so very proud of you for this. I can’t wait to read more of your posts and keep up the great work! Sending huge hugs!!!!

[Olivia]

I agree Nicole, it was great meeting everyone and this procedure has been life changing already by showing all of us that there is an end to this condition in the very near future!!! You are doing so great!!!

Thank you Dr. Pacik, I will remember it fondly as well. 🙂

[Kim]

Hey ladies! It’s been a couple weeks unfortunately since I’ve gotten on the forum, the holidays are just brutal when it comes to finding time! I wanted to give an update and find out how my fellow 11/11 friends are doing post-procedure?

I’ve been fairly diligent making dilating a priority and spend at least 1 hour to sometimes 3 hours or more a day dilating. I felt quite behind by needing to slow down and focus on #2 Orange for a week or so. I was just needing my mind to catch up with my body and allow my body to get used to the sensation before pushing myself to #3 before I was physically ready and thereby getting discouraged. After that I easily moved up to #3 and just in the last couple days have advanced back up to #4 with little discomfort. I’m super encouraged, because though I feel like my progress is slow, it’s also steady and I feel like I’m starting to trust my body more and more.

Something I will mention is that I do know the exact day my Botox kicked in – it was 9 days post-procedure. One evening I was dilating and for the first time ever my muscles did not go into spasm. I’m familiar with the difference in sensation from 3 years of pelvic floor therapy with what is a burning stretching sensation and what is an actual muscle spasm. I was sooooo happy! To be able to dilate and not have that spasm stop me was amazing!!

It’s been 3 weeks now and I still can’t believe we really went to NH and had the procedure! I’ve been feeling so confident, that I also just got my nose pierced (something I was terrified of doing for years till now) 🙂 I think about you, Nicole & Olivia, often and hope you’re also doing well and feeling encouraged and empowered! Though I know I haven’t yet reached the finish line, I’m just in awe that I’m FINALLY IN THE RACE!!! My thoughts & prayers are with you always friends and I look forward to hearing from you both!

Blessings,
Kim

[Janet Pacik]

Kim, what a lovely post. So happy to hear that you are doing so well! It is such a wonderful feeling for Dr. Pacik and I to read such wonderful posts from our patients. Thank you for taking the time to post. It really makes a difference!

[Nicole]

So good to hear your update Kim! I’ve been thinking about you and Olivia as well and I’m so glad you’ve been able to achieve so much! I totally know what you’re saying about the confidence boost you’ve been feeling. It’s amazing how differently I view my body now compared to just 3 weeks ago. I don’t know if I ever realized it, but I really did despise my body. I felt like it was broken and abnormal and couldn’t do what comes so naturally to everyone else. But in the past week and a half especially, I’ve noticed that I feel almost invincible! I’m just so proud of my body and how it’s responded to everything.

As for my update, I just advanced to the #5 glass dilator this week and feel so happy! When I emailed Dr. Pacik about my progress, he reminded me how just a couple of weeks ago I was so frustrated with my progress. I was upset that I couldn’t progress to the #5 and felt like I was “behind”. He told me it was fine to stay with the #4 for a couple of weeks, and I’m glad he did. It took the pressure off of feeling like I had to race through the sizes and I took the time to catch up mentally to where I was physically. When I started dilating after the procedure, I found that to help ease my extreme anxiety, I would place a vibrator between my thighs next to my vagina just to help ease the muscle tension. After about 5-10 minutes of this, I would get the #4 dilator lubed up and then just let the tip of it rest inside for a little while. After feeling comfortable with the feeling of the dilator so close to me, I would begin pushing it in, but it usually took me 10-15 minutes. I was so scared of the pain that I would feel and afraid that I was pushing it the wrong direction, that my hands tensed up and it was difficult to even push the dilator inside.

About a week and a half ago, I realized that my anxiety was making me think the pain was worse than it actually was. So after a few minutes with the vibrator, I just decided to push it in non-stop and see what happened. I was amazed to see how easy and painless it was! I couldn’t believe it. Since then, it’s only taken me about 30 seconds to get the dilator in place. I realized that I needed to trust my body and have faith that the botox would work. It also reaffirmed to me that this condition is just as mental as it is physical. If I can get a grip on the mental part, the physical part becomes so much easier. After the procedure, our bodies are ready, but our minds still need “fixing”. We have to trust in ourselves and trust in the botox.

When I first tried the #5, it definitely burned a bit. I tried pushing it in for 10 minutes and could feel my anxiety rising. So I stopped for just a minute, told myself that the pain was there but it was manageable, then pushed it right in. The next night, it only took me about 4 minutes to get it in and my anxiety was considerably less. It’s been so empowering for me to gain control over my anxiety that has been so debilitating in the past! I often let my mind run rampant and imagine that it’s going to be worse than it actually is. When I do feel pain, I tell myself that it’s a good thing because it means that the muscles are being stretched and I’m getting closer to my goal!

I just feel so happy to be at this point and even happier to hear about the success of everyone else! What a wonderful feeling to have confidence in your own body!

[Olivia]

Hi ladies!

It is so great to hear from you, I think of both of you often and am glad to hear you are both doing well! I have been dilating daily for a few hours and have been surprised by how quickly the time goes by especially when I do things around the house or watch a show. The other day I had my dilator in and went to go see the new Hunger Games Catching Fire movie!

A couple days ago we were finally able to have successful intercourse. It was really special and I just feel really lucky. There was a little bit of pain the first time but I honestly believe it is because I did not dilate long enough before, because it was the stretching type of pain like putting in a dilator. The second time we had intercourse was not painful and I realized how long I needed to dilate and with which dilators.

I struggled with the glass dilator #5 a few days before and felt a lot of pain when I first tried it. I became worried that this was not a good sign. I was having so much trouble with the glass and it was supposed to be more comfortable….I also worried about the size. If I couldn’t get the #5 in, how would I progress to #6 and then intercourse? So I decided to just give myself a break and relax and try the pink silicone #5 to dilate instead and did not feel the same amount of pain at all. Since we have had intercourse the glass dilator has not given me any issues either with pain or with falling out and I finally understand what people mean when they say it is way more comfortable than the other dilators, especially because it isn’t sticking out.

I don’t think I ever properly thanked Dr. Pacik but I am so grateful and had such a great time meeting him and everyone in the office. HUGE THANK YOU DR. PACIK!!!! You have truly changed so many lives!!

I always loved Dr. Pacik’s way of speaking to patients and I really knew from those initial emails and phone calls years ago that he is not only experienced, but also a doctor who truly cares about you. I have considered him my doctor for years-long before he treated me-because he is someone that I trust.

Thank you to everyone on the forum as well for all of your encouraging stories, tips, posts, thoughts. It has been fun to read the posts over the years before my procedure and fun for me to post lately as well.

Kim & Nicole- Thank you for being so open and sharing your stories both after our procedure and now on this forum. I can’t wait to hear more about what you are up to and am so happy for all of us to continue on this intriguing adventure!

[Kim]

Hey Olivia & Nicole – just checking in with both of you ladies! Olivia, I’m so excited for you that you were able to achieve intercourse – that is so amazing and makes my eyes well up with tears of joy for you! I wish I could say the same, but the last few weeks have been hugely frustrating as I’ve struggled with my health since Christmas. I went home over Christmas and was so determined to stay on my dilation schedule, that I didn’t even stay with my parents like we usually did, but instead stayed in a small apartment. And every day we worked at it – until I progressed seamlessly to the #5 Pink, inserting it within just a few minutes!! I was so excited to get back home and continue on to intercourse – but instead I came down with that nasty flu bug going around (does anyone else feel horrible pain when they sneeze or cough with a dilator in?! YOWZAS!”, and then on the tail end of that nasty 3 week flu, I developed a terrible yeast infection from the antibiotics I was on over Christmas. Seriously people, I’m so over this illness crap. After now 10 days with the awful yeast infection and trying EVERYTHING under the sun including, Clotrimazole, Probiotics, Yogurt, Acidophillus, ect…and now I literally just got a prescription for Diflucan. Thank God. I’m so ready to get back on the dilating homework – I was doing so well! Ugh!

Olivia, I’m curious – did you ever have to go up to #6 Blue in order to achieve intercourse, or was #5 sufficient? And if I may be so bold as to ask – is there a position that was more comfortable to try for the first time??

Nicole – How are things going with you? I loved your last post, and boy can I relate!!

I look forward to hearing from you gals, sorry its been so long since I’ve been on here – life has been crazy to say the least.

[Heather34]

Hi Kim. I am so, so sorry to hear you were ill and hope and pray you are feeling better now.

I wanted to share Dr. P as well as another patient’s prior post concerning #5 pink and #6 blue:

Dr. P: Almost all of my patients regress somewhat after achieving dilation with the #6/6 blue dilator post procedure in the recovery area. Some are never able to return to this size, while others are successful. It is important for everyone to know that about 40% of my patients are able to achieve intercourse dilating ONLY to the pink #5 of 6. While dilating to the blue will help stretch the muscles sufficiently to make intercourse more comfortable, it is not essential.

Lou: Not sure if I helps, but I only really dilated with the pink prior to intercourse. For a few days post procedure, I dilated with the big blue but I found it a bit uncomfortable. I actually found it better – physically & emotionally – to dilate with the pink and get really comfortable with this.

I also wanted to share a few helpful threads concerning positions and hope it helps.

Positions of Comfort Post-Vaginismus

http://www.vaginismusmd.com/vaginismus-md-forum/?mingleforumaction=viewtopic&t=217

1. Hi ladies. In the beginning of life after vaginismus, whenever my hubby and I would make love, I would still almost involuntarily do the “leg-lock” with the standard missionary position. To overcome this, we began having intercourse in the “doggy-style” (from behind) position as it is impossible to close your legs; I found it very comfortable; and we both really enjoyed this.

2. Dr. Pacik was instrumental in helping us find a position that would work for us. We, too, have used a come-from-behind type style, but – to me – it feels a little bit more like spooning – with my husband behind me. I need to adjust my top leg (lean that forward), but it does avoid “leg lock” and allows my husband easy “access.”

3. We ended up in the missionary position with my legs up in the air around his neck. We had a couple of few failed attempts at first but did not give up! In that particular position I didn’t feel as vulnerable as when I was in missionary with my legs/knees open (similar to the position for an exam or something) and leg lock set in. This way my legs were up and out of the way and I was able to insert his penis in the direction that felt most comfortable for me (angling to my left side).

4. Our favorite position so far is side by side, where he can start penetration slowly and increase the rythm and depth as we go. We have learned that this position allows access to some other erogenous zones (i.e breasts) at the same time.

Transitioning: Early Intercourse

http://www.vaginismusmd.com/vaginismus-md-forum/?mingleforumaction=viewtopic&t=231

The woman-on-top position worked so well for us. Hopefully we are working up to a point where I will feel comfortable enough to allow him to move. I believe we will attempt it with me on top and then transition to the missionary position as well. That should provide us an easy transition into male thrusting. 🙂

[Kim]

Thank you Heather for your response. I am feeling much better and have jumped back into dilating, which I’m very encouraged about. Thank you for the tips on transitioning, I feel like it’s not too far away for us!

I think more than anything, my body is more ready than my mind. I have a horrible tendency to compare my journey to everyone else’s on this forum, which is why I don’t post very often. Everyone is so nice and always so incredibly encouraging. But when I read of others journey’s being so much quicker than my own, it does an absolute number on my confidence and psyche. Before I had my procedure, I was thought to be a Level 2, but then after the procedure my body confirmed I was a Level 5. It may seem somewhat trivial, but after the 3 years of Physical Therapy that I underwent to gain somewhat control of those muscles on my own in order to withstand a GYN exam, ect.. I felt almost betrayed by my body once again for actually responding in a Level 5 manner during the actual procedure.

I’m eternally grateful to Dr. Pacik’s team and Dr. Pacik himself for dedicating themselves to helping us ladies overcome such a debilitating condition. What I didn’t expect was this deep desire to not let him or any of the staff down for all that they helped me with and the shame I’m now battling in reporting my slow progress. As a result I struggle with looking at my slow progress and thinking that they’re disappointed in me because of it. I know that’s probably not true – but again, I’ve already felt like I’ve disappointed those closest to me for having this condition in the first place and it’s been so hard truly accepting the fact that having Vaginismus in the first place is not something that I could have controlled.

I hate this condition so much and everything it’s robbed me and my husband of. I know I’m so much further than I ever was, and that God is teaching me so much through it all and that someday this will be a former chapter in my life.