[Heather]

Hey Hellen. I’m sorry you experienced pain. The first time I attempted penetrative sex, I felt the same pain. And honestly it could be because you were tight, your hymen could be too big and unable to tear without a doctor intervention, or vaginismus. It could many things. I never shoot down an opportunity to make an app with the doctor. It is always better to be safe than sorry. But you could first try dilation? There are kits out there that range from pinky sized to an average penis size and you can even buy larger sizes. The idea is to be able to insert a dilator bigger than your partner so his penis will always go in with ease and your vagina will accommodate it easily! And pain free! It really could be that you were nervous, your muscles were tight, you weren’t aroused enough due to nerves. But maybe you can buy a couple different sized toys? Play with those first before sex so your vagina can have a warm up with penetration. Start small and work your way up to larger sizes but never push yourself! We don’t want to cause pain we want to solve it! 🙂 So maybe start there. Try some insertable toys smaller than a penis and see how you do with that. If pain persists, and your gut is telling you something isn’t right, absolutely see a doctor! There is also A LOT of incredible info in this forum!

[Heather]

I wonder if you have a low hanging cervix? Or maybe the position you’re doing isn’t aligning with the natural shape of your vagina? There are these rings called OhNut! And you put them on your partners penis so it doesn’t allow the penis to penetrate all the way. I believe it comes with 3 or 4 so you can stack them if needed.

[Heather]

Hi patty22! Congratulations on all your hard work!!!!!!!! In my opinion, after all that hard work and dedication, I’d need to feel safe with the man I share my body with. And connected on an emotional level so that I could really enjoy it and let my guard down. I would continue my dilating routine, however. It’s recommended to continue those exercises between 3-5x a week.

[Heather]

Hi newbie! I love what the ladies above said! Absolutely! It’s definitely normal. Actually for quite some time during my first year of being able to have penetrative sex, it would hurt in the beginning for a bit but then it would go away. I was also limited to a few positions that didn’t hurt me. But now I’d consider where I’m at normal. I can do all the positions and sex is great and enjoyable! You will definitely get there! One day the pain upon first insertion will no longer exist! It’ll always be tight when the penis first enters but that jolt of pain should go away.

[Heather]

Hi donnaa! Recessivegenequeen said it all! You deserve an incredible sex life! You should not be having to go through this pain and I’m so sorry that you are. Vaginismus is so inconvenient. If you’re up for dilating, I wouldn’t knock it! You’re able to insert a penis and handle a couple strokes so you’re able to accomplish insertion which is actually really huge for Vaginismus! I purchased the Pure Romance dilator kit. A bunch of lube. And then you would want a consistent schedule. More days of the week than not. And never push your body if it is asking you to rest! They range from the size of your pinky, to 51/2 inch penis I believe. I know it’s around there, which is average size for most males. But they do sell a bigger size separately. The idea is to be able to stretch bigger than your partners penis so that your body is like, oh! We can handle that because we can handle a little bit more! So it’s a comfy insertion. You would start with the smallest and insert it. Leave it in for a minute, or until you feel comfortable enough to take it all the way out and put it back in again. From there you would start slow strokes, making sure you don’t take it all the way out this time. I used to complete my dilating session and then leave it in there and watch a movie so my body would get used to penetration. I wasn’t able to insert anything at all, that’s why I had to get the BOTOX procedure. But you absolutely deserve pain free, mind blowing sex! Let us know if you have any questions! There is also an entire section dedicated to dilating with a ton of great info!

[Heather]

Hello darkmoon! That is an awful experience I am so sorry you had to go through that! I definitely believe that it is possible. A one time occurrence of trauma to the body like that can absolutely inflict so much pain and fear and then said person may associate penetration with pain. And tense up next time something is to penetrate, causing the muscle spasms. Your visit sounded horrific and you are so brave for pushing through that and allowing the gyn to get the speculum in. No doctor should ever cause you pain like that or unnecessary bleeding.

[Heather]

Hi Simone! When I first became cured I, too, experienced pain during penetrative sex for quite some time. And I think it came from the disconnect between my head and body. My muscles were under my control but the fear and anticipation of pain made me tense up and caused me… pain!! So frustrating! I would definitely get checked out, to rule out anything and make sure you’re healthy! But it also could just be anxiety. Maybe it’s not enough lube, or the wrong lube, or no lube? Or maybe you may even want to dilate before sex to help prepare your body.

[Heather]

Hi Juliette!
I do have to say that sex IS a learning process with any partner experienced or not. It takes time to learn your partners body and find what works and what doesn’t. If she just started having penetrative sex after not ever having experienced it, it may be that she isn’t used to having sex. Maybe she isn’t using enough lube, or the position allows too deep of a penetration and it’s hitting her cervix. But as someone who experienced vaginismus, there are a lot of emotions attached to it. Maybe you could just ask her about what you heard. Let her know you didn’t want to hear, you didn’t try to but that you want to make sure she is okay. It might be really comforting to let her know if you’re okay with accompanying her to a doctors visit IF she felt she needed to. Just to let her know you are there and you care. But I wouldn’t bring up vaginismus to her unless she is ready and willing to talk about what you heard. Sometimes unexplainable pain can be scary and it’s best to see a doctor for a diagnosis so there isn’t fear about the what could be’s. I hope this helps!

[Heather]

While I don’t know the legal facts regarding your situation, I do know that hymen’s can be problematic. Maybe the doctor was thinking, if you were to attempt penetrative sex and it hurt, that you may have developed a fear around sex and associating penetration with pain. Resulting in vaginismus. But if you suffered from that experience, and it felt wrong to you.. then maybe it wasn’t the right option. I’m sorry you ever had to experience that but I am so glad you have a great sex life and no vaginismus! 🙂

[Heather]

Hi SarahD! How exciting your baby will be here so soon!! 🙂 You’re going to do great! I definitely second what Melissa said. Dilating is a bit of a burden, but it is sooo beneficial to the well being of the muscles inside the vagina. I myself have not given birth, I have no children, but from all my friends and family who have given birth, they suggest waiting a while before attempting sex. Your body may even need a rest period before you can begin dilating again. Consistency with vaginismus is key, but just as equally important to your success is your ability to listen to what your body needs from you. If you attempt penetrative sex and it hurts or it’s tight or difficult, that will definitely be your sign to continue your dilating. Just be gentle and patient with yourself, listen to your body and you’ll know what to do 🙂 I have also heard that birth does indeed stretch those muscles!

[Heather]

Hi Persevere! CONGRATULATIONS! You’re absolutely right, it takes time. Everyones body is different. Everyone’s level of vaginismus is different but consistency is key in curing vaginismus. I’m so sorry to hear you didn’t have much support but I’m so glad you had us!! This forum is amazing with a lot of information on here! I’m so happy for you! Don’t throw out your dilator kit, though! Up keep is important! I dilated just a couple times a week just until I could have sex without any preparation. Now my kit just sits in a drawer in case I ever need them again. Please feel free to be apart of this forum and offer your advice and support to others struggling 🙂

[Heather]

I have had way too many conversations with my female friends who tell me it hurts. I remember growing up with it, so scared of no one loving me because a lot of us vagina owners have heard a lot of talk from men about their sexual desires and prefences and basically only care about penetration and if that isn’t something you can offer, they won’t spend any time on you. It’s scary to speak up about to your Mom, if you catch it young, and tell her your vagina hurts during sex or tampons or penetrative masturbation. Because then the question comes up of, How did you figure this out? What caused the pain? And if you can’t tell your Mom or parent about it, because maybe sex is forbidden in your household.. You’re forced to wait til you can be of age to go to the doctor alone. And if you’re in a relationship, and you want to speak up… then there’s the fear of your partner leaving or becoming angry with you or even cheating in the relationship. And if you get yourself to the doctor, far too often we’re told to drink wine and use lube. I actually had a doctor tell me that I need to get this fixed before my husband cheats on me. Never went back to her again. There’s so many contributing factors as to why women stay silent about it. I think the biggest problem regarding vaginismus is the fact that it’s just proof that women don’t get the knowledge, or the resources they need to really know and learn about their bodies. Vaginismus is so treatable but a lot of doctors believe it’s JUST in the head when it’s a head AND body issue. It’s so sad that women are in pain during something that’s supposed to be enjoyable. It’s even more sad that vaginismus isn’t known or spoken of or taught in sex ed classes. The female body is so complex and so much goes on underneath our skin. Young girls should definitely have classes just for them in school. Maybe one day vaginismus wont be so kept in the dark.

[Heather]

Hi imapartner! I can tell this subject is making you anxious. My husband had issues just a couple times, and he had never had PIV before. I think the main issue was, before sex I would have to dilate and we had to be careful and it wasn’t very passionate or ‘hot’ haha and I think he was just really worried that he was going to hurt me. Communication will help you both tremendously! Once you both are able to have PIV together, it is so important that you are learning how to help her, what positions work best, what she likes and doesn’t like. It’s definitely a learning experience. It took my husband and I a few months to find our rythm. If you’re getting and maintaining erections through other forms of play, I think you’ll be okay!

[Heather]

I second what Melissa said! Dilation is so beneficial to the well being of our vaginal muscles anyhow so I always recommend it! It’s also good in aiding the tear of the hymen. But I would definitely get it looked it to make sure this is something you can do on your own time at home vs something that would need a surgery(super easy though no worries!) Good luck!!

[Heather]

Hi annefrance! I am so sorry to read that story. I actually got the hymen procedure done and didn’t have any issues. Super easy! I wasn’t too sore either. Maybe dilation would help you? However, when I got my procedure done… Melissa from here at Maze had told me my hymen was way too thick and that my partner would never be able to break it on his own. I would try dilating first, gently of course. Maybe after a fee sessions, you’ll be able to stretch easier and accommodate a penis more comfortably as well as pop your hymen hopefully!

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