[rabbit]

You were a virgin as well? She probably tore your hymen during the exam… sorry you had to go through this. Some doctors really have no clue how to treat their patients with respect.

[rabbit]

Some very good points are made here by kirsten.

Where I live, gyns never do internal exams on virgins cause they are most of the time too traumatic. When they have to, for instance when you’re over 25 and need a PAP smear, they usually give you some kind of sedation and a nurse will be there to help you and tell you what’s going to happen.

[rabbit]

What a nice, emotional story! Thank you for sharing this!

Like you, I also find it shocking to hear so often that many women think pain and sex come together. Entire generations grew up with this idea, and I once overheard my mother saying something about how painful sex was to her sister and she simply acknowledged what she said! Remember that sex ed has come a long way. My biology teacher even never explained what being wet was! It was my therapist who explained to me how the glands worked and why we have them and how you can make them produce slime…

Thanks!

[rabbit]

Hi coldasice,

I can only speak from my own personal experience and the info I got from my therapist, but most vaginismus patients (not all of them) have some issues with sex in general, which could mean they either don’t masturbate, can’t have an orgasm, and/or never explored their vulva and vagina before.

During my second or third session this subject came up and my therapist told me dilation is much easier when you’re aroused, since you tend to be more relaxed, there is more wetness and the vagina opens up slightly. She never told me it was a deal breaker, but she did give me the advice to try it out.

As a student I masturbated once in a while and I knew how to get clitoral orgasms, so I looked up my favorite book again in the library and read some of my ‘favorite’ (you know what I mean) paragraphs before starting with the exercises. I’m sure that did help.

As you already wrote, an orgasm does the opposite: you get dryer, the vaginal walls contract and the vaginal opening gets smaller again. All those things are to be avoided when you’re dilating, so make sure you’re aroused, but not to the point an orgasm is imminent. That still counts these days when I’m having sex with my husband. He needs to come first. I’m not sure if this is something other patients recognize, but after my orgasm, penetration is A LOT harder.

[rabbit]

WOW. I’m impressed. This was an eye-opener, and very informative! Thanks! Can I have your phone number? 🙂

Only joking… but it’s refreshing to read these kind posts from a male viewpoint and I think everyone here can recognize things you wrote about in her own life.

I was wondering if you ever worked with couples? Or women with a partner? Have you ever had a client where penetration was impossible, even after therapy? How old are most of your clients? Can you really give everyone an orgasm? Are there women who try to contact you even after the therapy stopped? After sleeping with so many women, is there some kind of advice you can give to us? Are there certain things we could do to prevent/help in overcoming vaginismus?

It must be very emotional for these women to suddenly be able to open up and show a stranger their perfect ‘imperfect’ body, and learn so many new things… also kudos on taking your time to explain how things work at the male side. I can imagine some women have uncertainties on that level as well (I was like that).

I find it hard to read there are so many women struggling with the way they look… plus the fact that penetration seems to be the *easiest* task according to you… that makes you think! There is definitely something wrong with the way we picture women in magazines.

[rabbit]

Well, in my case I’ve tried vibrators but still couldn’t come. It’s frustrating to hear someone say they have a solution (which is usually: ‘buy a vibrator’). And while that might help some women, involuntary the other group will feel even more depressed after hearing that kind of ‘advice’. I know most people are simply trying to help but it’s not a good solution for everyone.

[rabbit]

I think in general people from the States overestimate the amount of tampon users in the rest of the world. There are several countries where tampons even can’t be found in stores. In France, Italy and Spain over 85% of all women use pads exclusively.

[rabbit]

I’d like to express the same gratitude as recessivegenequeen: it’s amazing people like you exists. I’ve heard about sex workers and vaginismus before and I’m sure some women also made use of such services, but I think this is something most of them don’t dare to talk about.

Would you mind elaborating a bit on what you’ve done and learned over all those years?

[rabbit]

I couldn’t agree more.

Around 15-17% of all women suffer from vaginismus, according to Google. That is a HUGE amount. At least one out of ten girls will be unable to have sex when they try for the first time. I think this is basic info that should be told to everyone in sex ed, also to males. This will make it easier to recognize the signals.

About the rest I’ve made a separate post, I hope you don’t mind.

[rabbit]

According to my therapist, lots of men end up with premature ejaculations after they are allowed to have sex with their partner. My husband was unable to penetrate me for a few weeks, not because he couldn’t get in, but because he came BEFORE he got in. He was so excited he finally was “allowed” penetration, his body got so excited he already ejaculated while still having his PJ’s on, or on my leg, the sheets, etc… I was glad my therapist warned me this could happen because it adds another layer of complexity on the whole situation, something that not many women understand.

[rabbit]

At first I thought it couldn’t be true, but it does exist. I’ve even found a few NSFW sites showing the procedure. The couple involved was crying and yelling while they had sex, and their family was dancing/encouraging them while they were standing around the married couple. Hard to watch and it doesn’t surprise me at all most of those women end up with vaginismus after such a terrible experience.

[rabbit]

I think I had 2 or 3 sessions with my therapist during which she only asked questions and gave me some basic relaxation exercises I could do at home. From the 4th session on I had to get nude and fingers/dilators/instruments were inserted either for me or by me. All WITH consent, and step by step. You don’t have to worry, (most?) therapists will respect your limits. But I honestly can’t see how you can get rid of vaginismus without this part. If only talking was involved, therapy could be given by a sexologist or psychologist as well.

[rabbit]

From what I’ve heard from my therapist, the hymen gets dryer and thicker over the years, which makes it harder to tear.

[rabbit]

Not much attention is given to the hymen during sex ed and biology classes, at least, not enough IMHO, cause it can play an important role during sex, and certainly when you’ve got vaginusmus.

Recessivegenequeen is right: a tampon, a dilator, a vibrator, or your finger can tear your hymen. In my case, my hymen was still intact and my therapist used a mirror to show me what it looked like. There is a special technique you can use to tear your own hymen, which is needed before starting to use the dilator set.

Feel free to ask me any question you want.

[Author]

Posts