[Kitten]

Concerning your question about #2.. I use a set of five plastic dilators as opposed to seven glass dilators, but I hope you’ll still consider my thoughts on this one!

I would consider not being able to use a larger dilator without insertion of smaller dilators beforehand as normal, and just another STEP on the journey to being able to use a larger dilator by itself. For example, if I were to start with size 3 in my set of five plastic dilators, the step-by-step journey would look something like this:

Step 1: Insertion of size 3 by itself
Step 2: Insertion of size 3, then insertion of size 4
Step 3: Insertion of size 4 by itself
Step 4: Insertion of size 4, then insertion of size 5
Step 5: Insertion of size 5 by itself

Speaking here as someone on step 4, it may be disheartening to think about how I can’t insert size 5 by itself without it hurting more than if I inserted size 4 beforehand. So instead, I think of it this way – There once was a time when inserting size 3 by itself hurt. There once was a time when inserting size 4 by itself hurt. I’ve progressed past those points, though!

ALSO, my doctors told me a very helpful thing: In terms of having to use smaller sizes before insertion of a larger size, it’s not like you’re going to have nothing to “prepare” you when you have sex, either. Sex should have 15 to 20 minutes of foreplay beforehand. In a way, you can think, “smaller dilators before larger dilator = foreplay before sex”. Whenever you feel disheartened by not being able to insert glass 7 right away, just think about how it’s unrealistic to have penetrative intercourse without any foreplay/preparation beforehand!

[Kitten]

Quote:

Quote from Heather34 on January 6, 2014, 13:49
For anyone reading this right now who does not know, could you help by explaining what a reverse kegel is? Also, the breathing exercises sound excellent and helpful as well. Is this diaphragmatic breathing?

Sure! A reverse kegel is essentially what it sounds like – the reverse of clenching up those pelvic muscles. A reverse kegel is loosening those pelvic muscles. You know how most people will explain how to do a kegel for you by telling you it’s the muscle movement of stopping yourself from peeing, while you’re in the middle of peeing? My physical therapist told me that to do a reverse kegel, you make the muscle movement you would do as if you were about to make a bowel movement. The first time she had me try it, she made me hold up a hand mirror so that I could observe my genitals while I did it. When I did the reverse kegel (moved my muscles as if to make a bowel movement), I could see the area expand outward a little (loosening up).
She told me to do reverse kegels instead of regular kegels because, as she explained it, “Your pelvic muscles are already chronically tightened up; the last thing you want to do is practice making them even tighter. Instead, you want to practice loosening them up.”

As for the breathing exercises I do, yup, it’s diaphragmatic breathing. While I do them, I keep a hand on my stomach so that I can feel it go outwards and inwards as I take deep breaths and then slowly let them out.

Thanks for the support! :3

[Kitten]

I fairly recently started physical therapy, and I think it’s excellent. I believe it’s what’s going to make my journey to painless sex a least a little bit faster.

I learned very specific things about my vaginismus from my physical therapist. One of the most important ones I learned was that I should absolutely not be doing kegels, but reverse kegels! My sex therapist had told me to do kegels, but my physical therapist told me that was very wrong, and to do reverse kegels. And man am I glad she told me to do that! They help so much! Doing a reverse kegel during dilator insertion makes it painless, and doing reverse kegels while holding in the dilator also helps take away any pain!

She also taught me which specific areas of my pelvic floor muscles were more sensitive than others (my taking her finger and doing some tests). I now specifically aim my dilators to stretch out the areas that need to be stretched out the most.

I also learned from my physical therapist that my body is apparently chronically in fight-or-flight mode, as if always ready to receive physical pain. She taught me breathing exercises to do every single day.

Overall, 10/10 would recommend. Vaginismus is both a psychological and physical problem, and the physical part really should be addressed.

[Kitten]

Hello, everybody. I recently turned 20, and I go online by the name Kitten. :3 My first really true sign I had primary vaginismus happened in October 2012, when I was 18 years old.

I guess I should give a little background info on my relationship first, since it has a role in this story and explains why I only found out in October 2012, despite being in the same relationship for many years now. I’ve been in an international long distance relationship with my fiance for over 5 years. We met on an online forum in summer 2005, and started our romantic relationship in August 2008. However, since I live in the US, he lives in Denmark, and we have a large age gap, I told him we’d have to wait four years before we could meet up in person for the first time. Despite many people doubting our relationship, we succeeded at waiting and proving the doubters wrong – he visited me in the US in September/October 2008.
Then, during the summer of 2013, I went to Denmark and lived with him there for almost three months. It was during that time that he proposed to me, and I said yes.

It’s because of the relationship being long distance that I only tried intercourse with my fiance as late as October 2012. (Although, to be fair, I guess the first signs were in September 2012 – I didn’t want him to finger me because whenever he tried, it hurt.) I didn’t originally intend on attempting intercourse during this visit, but by the end of it I wanted to, so we tried.
My contractions were so incredibly tight that we literally could not get it in. It was as if I didn’t have a vagina, but just a wall there. I literally even slid backwards on my back as we tried to get it in. We eventually gave up and accepted the fact that intercourse wasn’t going to happen before he left to go back to Denmark.

After many months, I went to Denmark to live with him there for almost three months. Once again, we attempted intercourse, and once again, we could not get it all the way in. However, I have dangerously high pain tolerance.. so I was determined to try it again and get it all the way in, thinking maybe it was just a hymen issue or something like that. Due to my high pain tolerance, we slowly got it all the way in.. me almost crying from the excruciating pain. Then we took it out right away and I laid there clutching my crotch in pain for a good half hour. (…In retrospect, me forcing it so much was probably a really bad idea.)
We decided to go to a doctor in Denmark, who examined my genitals and told me that my hymen was completely gone, so it didn’t have anything to do with that. He was the first person to suggest the idea of vaginismus.
I cried a lot during the summer, depressed by how I couldn’t do something that biologically everybody’s supposed to be able to do. Sex is EVERYWHERE, and everybody talks about it so casually.. and here I was, physically incapable of doing it. It depressed me a lot, and still does if I think about it too hard.

Long story short, although my fiance and I bought a dilator set while I was in Denmark, “treatment” only really began once I came back to the US. However, since I live away from home in a college dorm and don’t have my own car, I can only see doctors when I’m on extended breaks. I’ve been seeing a nurse practitioner, a gynecologist, a sex therapist, and a physical therapist. I was officially diagnosed with vaginismus, taught how to properly use dilators, talked to about all things sex-related, taught about reverse kegels, taught about other exercises such as breathing exercises and ways to move my legs during dilator exercises, and even recently received some injections.

There are many things I have to be thankful for. My fiance is the most supportive man I could ever hope to have concerning this condition, even when he’s over 4,000 miles away from me. I imagine a lot of men would be sexually frustrated to have a girlfriend/fiance/wife that can’t have sex, but that’s not how it is at ALL with my fiance – he’s very sad that I have this condition because it makes ME sad, not because he can’t do certain things with me. He’s incredibly empathetic and so, so supportive. Also, my vaginismus didn’t even start as severe as it COULD’VE been – I’ve been able to successfully use tampons ever since I was 13. When I received my set of five dilators, I was able to start on size 3. I’m also thankful to have doctors that really know what they’re doing. I’ve heard all sorts of horror stories about doctors who dismiss women’s vaginismus symptoms as just nervousness or inexperience, telling them things like “Just relax”, or, even worse, “Just have a glass of wine before attempting sex”! NONE of my doctors have responded in those manners, and appear to really know what they’re doing. I am now both on size 4 and size 5 of my dilators – moving the size 4 one around at various angles and such, and just holding the size 5 still without moving.

No matter how far away the end goal may seem, I need to keep reminding myself that as long as even gradual progress is being made, I will reach the end goal someday, no matter when that day may be. :3

[Author]

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