[elaine0086]

Well here goes nothing….. My plane is to take off at 1:30 this afternoon. I guess there is no turning back now!!! Honestly right now I feel numb which I guess is better than high anxiety we will see what happens when I get ready to step on the plane and then into Dr. Pacik’s office early tomorrow morning. My biggest worry right now is what if I am not “normal” down there and Vaginismus is not my problem. All week I haven’t been able to stop researching and I cant find anything else that it could even possibly be but it will still be nice just to have it confirmed since I have never been to a doctor to be diagnosed. It has all been self diagnosis.
Well I am going to make this short and sweet today but as I get ready to take this big step forward I want to thank everyone again for all your support. You have been there through my high points and low points and I cant think you enough. It is so comforting to know that as I enter this phase in my life that I have a support system to help me every step of the way. Hope everyone is going to have a great Father’s Day and a wonderful weekend:)

Elaine

[elaine0086]

That is great new Chocolate!!! Sooo excited for you. Im having my treatment on this coming Monday. I thought this week would drag by but honestly I cant believe it we are heading into Friday and we board the plan on Sunday!!! I wish you so much luck and am sending many positive thoughts your way:)

[elaine0086]

Hi Allie:)
I know exactly where you are coming from in that you look at it as your problem. It sounds though that during the treatment it does bring a couple much closer together! After talking to Dr. Pacik and on my part much apprehension Mike will not be part of the procedure or dilation process but will be present during verbal counseling. I am just so happy to have him coming along for my support. Im sure you understand how comforting it is to have your partner, the one that is also affects, to be by your side during such a life changing event. Are you traveling from afar?
Well again it is so comforting to know of a person that will be going through the same next week. Hope your having a great week! Oh and heather thank you for all the tips!!!:)

[elaine0086]

Thank you guys for your kind words and positive thoughts. I did decide to talk to Mike about how I was feeling (well I didn’t say that a penis brings back feelings of disgust exactly) and once again he has been so supportive through this all. Told me that if that there is no pressure and when I am ready when I want to we will cross that bridge when it comes and also said like you Nakitalab that I need to stop being so hard on myself. I know I said this before but it is so weird to have this many strong mixed emotions all about the same thing. Its EXHAUSTING lol! I did talk to Ellen on the phone last night and she seems so sincere and kind. I know I will be in good hand:) I am still having a hard time wrapping my head around that this day next week I will be traveling home and entering into a new phase in my life. One that for most of my life didn’t think was for me.
Well again thank you guys so incredibly much for your kind and helpful words. It means so much to me to have the support of people that understand where I am coming from. I appreciate it more that words can say. Hope everyone is have a great week:)

Elaine

[elaine0086]

Hey guys,
So the last couple of days have been full of high anxiety. I am a nervous wreck about next week and I am not sure why. Also I posted earlier about how Mike gave me a orgasm last weekend. Although I did enjoy it I am now feeling sick to my stomach. I have never told anyone this before but during the incident when I was fifteen I was forced to also give oral. Although I do with all my heart want to have sex with Mike I am freaking myself out with everything else. I want to so badly give him pleasure but there is a big part of me that gets sick to my stomach. It feels so dirty to me. I know throughout this process that even when we start intercourse it will not be “sex” right away I want to give him release but not sure if I can. Also again when Mike and I are being intimate with every bit of me I want to have sex but I do not want to see him down there. I know that seems soooo oxymoron but it is how I feel. I am 26 years old and besides when I was fifteen I have never seen a penis. It resembles disgust to me. Any advice on how to get past this??

Elaine

[elaine0086]

Hi Allie:)
Im also having the treatment on the 17th. Im 26 so we are close to the same phase in life:) I have been struggling with Vaginismus for 11 years now after I was a victim of rape. I am unable to even insert a q-tip or tampon. My entire life I have dated guys to just seem “normal” but would break up with them after about two weeks since I knew where it would lead just like you. I would say I have a good libido but up until recent for some reason would kiss guys just because I felt I had to. I always went into a date thinking tonight I want to enjoy a good kissing moment but when it came down to it, it always felt forced and would make me extremely nervous. This might be TMI but considering this type of forum I feel everything can be put on the table lol, but self pleasure was always enjoyable. I met a guy about two months ago that has changed everything for me including my confidence in my sexual drive. Although I have truly put him through the a lot lately (I have explained it on my posting) he has been so incredibly supportive.
I am so happy for you that you are taking the steps to move forward with you life. It is also nice to know of someone else that will be going through this at the same time as me! You could not have posted at a better time. The past couple of days have been hard for me but I feel better reading another’s story. Thank you! This forum has truly been a blessing for me and everyone on here is so caring and supportive. Not sure what I would do with out it. Looking forward to meeting you! Is your boyfriend the one going to be traveling with you?

Elaine

[elaine0086]

Hi heather, I’m so happy to have read this post bc I do have high anxiety right now that what if I’m just not normal down there and this won’t work. I have diagnosed myself and have never been to a gynecologist. Has there ever been a patient that has come to New Hampshire and figured out that it isn’t vaginismus but physically not normal???

[elaine0086]

Thank you Dr. Pacik. I know I should not care what people think but putting my carry on bag through the machine and knowing what the person behind the screen is seeing makes me cringe! But Ill survive:) Looking forward to meeting you also. Thanks again!

[elaine0086]

So I just wanted to give another quick update! I can not believe next Sunday I will be on a plan heading to New Hampshire. That is EIGHT DAYS!!! not that I am counting or anything. I know I have said this before but I am going to say it again…this is all so surreal. I am sure many of you have felt the same way. I have lived my life with Vaginismus for so long for my treatment to be right around the corner is hard to comprehend.
On another note I wanted to let you all know Mike and I are doing well:) I am still not ready to be in a relationship but I am just enjoying us. We had a big monumental moment last weekend. Not going underneath my panies with his hand he gave me my first orgasm by someone else. I was not expecting us to go there but we did! This was the first time ANYONE has ever gone down there since the incident when I was fifteen. Again a surreal moment for me. Well that is all for today! Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

[elaine0086]

Thank you guys:) well I did it I booked our flight this afternoon. I’m still extremely nervous about coming home but knowing that many if you guys did it I know I can grin bare it also!!! So here goes nothing! I can’t believe in ten days I will be on a plane and coming home a new person. I still feel it is all just a dream. Well thank you all for the advice it helped a ton. Plus I think Mike is a little relieved that we won’t be stuck in a car for 15 hours there and back lol!

[elaine0086]

Hi Chocolate:)
I am kind of have the reverse of friends it sounds like lol. I don’t have many acquaintances friends but a few close friends. Given my avoidance in life only the close friends kept the effort to stay in touch with me. All of what you have said though makes so much sense. I know I will be more comfortable once everything is said and done but at the same time I know I need people in my life right now that I can talk to and they can also talk me through the tough times. I know this sounds silly but even last night before I could press the call button to talk to Dr. Pacik I had to call a friend. I was starting to get really nervous and I needed that extra push to move forward. I have no clue why I was so nervous, I have talked to Dr. Pacik before on the phone and he truly is absolutely amazing. He has a way of making you feel normal for once and is so incredibly understanding. My friend that I called talked to me for a bit and then said alright now you got to do it and give me a call once you get off the phone. Then proceeded to tell me if I didn’t she was going to come over and press call for me lol!!!
This forum though has been absolutely amazing for me. Even though I do have a couple of people that I talk to about this whenever I need them this gives me a whole never level of support. My friends are really understanding and always there to give me a shoulder to cry on or just listen to me but here I have people that know where I am coming from! They understand the years of frustration that I have gone through. They understand the feelings of embarrassment and shame. They understand the feeling of being alone. But they also reassure that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. They have given me the power of knowledge and understanding of what to expect. Without this I would be a complete and total train wreck because of not knowing what to expect when I get there.
Again we are here for you!!! Whether it be emotional venting or questions take advantage of this. It is invaluable:)))) Good luck with everything and I am thinking and praying for you!!!

[elaine0086]

Thank Nakitalab and Heather! I really appreciate it:) Also Heather it makes me feel better that you really didn’t have your mind made up until that moment. I think a big part of my decision will be how I feel when it is all taking place. My emotions on everything lately truly are day to day. One day I am confident in myself with the trip to New Hampshire the next I am freaking out. One minute I am sure of mine and Mike’s future together the next I am not at all. Also I am so excited with my future but it is such an unknown for me. What kept me sane for so many years was staying in my little world of horses and competing. This is going to open a whole new world to me that doesn’t just include sex. It is a whole new life in general!
It is scary and exciting all in one. I also can’t believe in only two and a half more weeks I will be on my way up to New Hampshire!!! Also I would like to know if anyone else is schedule for June 17th! Thanks again for all the support everyone:) don’t know what I would do without you guys!!!

[elaine0086]

Thank you Dr. Pacik and Heather. I feel a lot better now about my decision. Do you also feel the same about the dilation? I would like him to be present during the counseling but again I feel the same about dilation as I do the procedure. It just makes me really uncomfortable with the idea people being around while I dilate period but I can grin and bear it with the staff but do I need to with Mike??
Again thank you so much for all the support and advice. I have no clue what I would do without this forum. It is like therapy for me. Being able to express what I am feeling and knowing Im not going to be judge and that people can relate to where I am coming from. I have never had that before which I know most of you haven’t either. Thank you all again!!!

[elaine0086]

I guess I have some conflicting feelings on Mike being in the procedure room and being with me during dilation. As for the procedure room no one since I was 15 has seen me down there. So for the first time being when I under anesthesia is uncomfortable for me. As far as I can tell he isn’t one of the guys that thinks it is in my head. He seems to truly understand it so I am not sure for me if the benefits out weigh the disadvantages for me. It is already really hard for me to wrap my head around everything that will be happening during those few days to add Mike into the mix with the procedure room is pretty difficult for me.
As for the dilation process this also makes me really uncomfortable. When Mike and I were in a firm relationship I was trying to convince myself that it was worth the uncomfortable feeling for him to be there. Now I am not sure if it is good for either one of us. He still is struggling with what is going on between us right now and I do not want to hurt him anymore than I have. I have a fear that being together in such an intimate and life changing moment for me will only bring him closer to me and if it doesn’t bring me closer to him that will make things worse. Also I guess when I envisioned a guy down there (especially the first time) it would be during an intimate sensual time not an awkward medical time. Am I wrong to think this???? I would love any advice especially to those who have had this procedure done that were not in a serious relationship or brought someone along that was not your significant other….Thanks!!!

[elaine0086]

So I can not believe it is only three weeks away before Ill be taking a huge step forward with my life. It still seems so surreal I don’t think I have really processed everything just yet. I have fear, uncertainty, but most of all excitement and happiness. Also I am so ready to move on with my life. I truly feel obsessed with researching vaginismus and reading this forum. I have spent so many years trying to ignore this and now I am just so ready to face this and move forward! I still am struggling day to day with my feelings towards Mike. One day I wake up and I am ready to move forward in a relationship with him and then the next I am not. I have tried to keep some distance between us because I know I have hurt him already and I fear that I will hurt him even more. I do enjoy hanging around him because he provides me comfort and reassurance but at the same time with me not knowing what I want out of us I do want o allow him too close. He deserves someone that can give him a 100% and I am just not there yet. He is still coming to New Hampshire with me and I know he is exactly who I need there but I am not sure if it is the right decision for him. I feel so selfish asking him to go and I have told him that. He just tells me that he is capable of making his own decisions and that he wants to go. So hopefully this doesn’t go badly…..
But at the end of all I can not wait for these three weeks to pass by. Thank you all for all your support and for all your stories that you have shared. They have helped so much and put a lot of my questioning at rest. Hope you guys are having a wonderful Memorial Day weekend!!!

[Author]

Posts