Speaking of your secret

[elaine0086]

I had a great conversation with Dr. Pacik on the phone tonight and he had mentioned how great it is that I have been so involved on this forum and the great responses that I have received. After talking about my use of this page and how I have been communicating with some people close to me he suggested I post about it.

I cant express enough how much this forum has helped me. First off the first question he had for me was if I had any questions with my upcoming procedure. I did not! This forum has been so informative and everyone has answered all my questions. I cant thank you guys enough. Also being about to talking to other women that truly understand where I am coming from is invaluable. It is one thing just to read everyone else’s stories (which I have done for YEARS!!!) but to share your own is HUGE. Its like I can finally breathe for once in this 11 years and that I’m not living in the dark anymore. It has giving me a sense of empowerment and that I am taking back a part of me that I’ve lost many years ago.
Until about six weeks ago I have only told my sister about what had happened to me and my suffering with vaginismus (and still never even talked about it) Since then I have told three other people and it is incredible the weight that has been lifted off my shoulders. Don’t get me wrong it is extremely hard each time I have told someone. I get a mild panic attack. My heart races, breathing becomes shallow, and my head spins like crazy. But once I say it, once I get it out there I feel a sense of relief and a sense of closeness that I have avoided most of my life. Because of Vaginismus I have lost a big part of me and have allowed it to control my life. People that know me know me as a workaholic that does not take advantage of what life has to offer outside of the horses. Telling these people has giving me such an incredible circle of support. I have lived terrified of anybody finding out my secret. Scared that I was going to be looked at like some kind of freak and people treating me differently. I was scared that people wouldn’t understand and I was scared that I would be looked at like “poor pitiful Elaine”. But it has been the contrary. I have gain sooooo much more. I have a support system that allows me to vent on my hard days. I have understanding and people that want to be there for me but do not look at me like Im some pity story. In fact they see me as someone incredibly strong.
I cant tell all of you how much it has helped me not living such a secret and a lie anymore. Everything that I have been scared of has been nonexistent. It is still hard for me to even think about telling someone else and I don’t know if I will ever be comfortable for it to be completely out there because it is something soooo personal to me but I do know that I probably would no have gotten this far if it hasn’t been creating a support system. I still have days of panic and am I doing the right thing but now I have people behind me to talk me through those times and to reassure me that this is all going to be good.
I have people to cry to, to vent to, and to laugh with. I am writing this to encourage all of you to open yourself up to support. Become active in this forum and consider telling your story to a few people you are close with. You will be amazed by their understanding and lack of judging. Going through such a monumental moment in our lives we need support. People will surprise you:)

[Chocolate]

This is going to sound terrible . . . but I don’t really have any close friends. Lol – it’s not as bad as it sounds, I assure you. I have lots of friendly aquaintances – no one close enough to talk about this kind of thing with, though. My husband knows about my condition because he’s got no choice. 😀 My mother knows because she was the first person I called after I got home from my stupid honeymoon. My father knows because he’s married to my mother – lol. My mother is the only one I can really talk to in any depth about it. My husband forgets conversations 5 minutes after they take place. There’s nothing quite like speaking in depth about a painful and emotionally draining subject only to discover the person you were talking to was NOT listening.

I know a lot of well meaning people who have unquenchable pride issues and think that rudeness while despensing “advice” is perfectly acceptable. I don’t think they are mean spirited – but it seems in the formative years no parent or authority figure ever pulled them aside and told them what they should and shouldn’t be saying. Their mouth has no filter. Any resistance from me would be countered with an accusation that I am being unreasonable. I do not dare to tell them because one ignorant word out of them, and . . . I dunno. I ‘d lose it on them. Not in a sad crying way. But in an angry blood boiling way.

When I was talking to folks at work, I did mention it vaguely a few times. I had been taking time out of work to see different docs and such regarding a previous ER visit. Some ladies I work fairly closely with asked me if I would know anything after my next doctor’s visit. I told them probably not – because my next visit is a gyn visit, and “I have a condition that affect the muscles in the pelvic region and makes exams pretty much impossible”. They were good natured about it and cracked a few jokes about visiting the gyn being bad enough. The conversation changed course after that. I do wonder if they thought to themselves later, “If she can’t have an exam, then can she . . . . y’know . . . . . . ???”

I think I would probably be more open to talking about my problem after it was resolved. Not sure why, but I do feel that way.

[elaine0086]

Hi Chocolate:)
I am kind of have the reverse of friends it sounds like lol. I don’t have many acquaintances friends but a few close friends. Given my avoidance in life only the close friends kept the effort to stay in touch with me. All of what you have said though makes so much sense. I know I will be more comfortable once everything is said and done but at the same time I know I need people in my life right now that I can talk to and they can also talk me through the tough times. I know this sounds silly but even last night before I could press the call button to talk to Dr. Pacik I had to call a friend. I was starting to get really nervous and I needed that extra push to move forward. I have no clue why I was so nervous, I have talked to Dr. Pacik before on the phone and he truly is absolutely amazing. He has a way of making you feel normal for once and is so incredibly understanding. My friend that I called talked to me for a bit and then said alright now you got to do it and give me a call once you get off the phone. Then proceeded to tell me if I didn’t she was going to come over and press call for me lol!!!
This forum though has been absolutely amazing for me. Even though I do have a couple of people that I talk to about this whenever I need them this gives me a whole never level of support. My friends are really understanding and always there to give me a shoulder to cry on or just listen to me but here I have people that know where I am coming from! They understand the years of frustration that I have gone through. They understand the feelings of embarrassment and shame. They understand the feeling of being alone. But they also reassure that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. They have given me the power of knowledge and understanding of what to expect. Without this I would be a complete and total train wreck because of not knowing what to expect when I get there.
Again we are here for you!!! Whether it be emotional venting or questions take advantage of this. It is invaluable:)))) Good luck with everything and I am thinking and praying for you!!!

[Nakitalab]

Hi Chocolate, like you I wasn’t able to talk to anyone about it other than my sister and my husband. And I didn’t like talking about it with my husband because I felt so guilty that I couldn’t be a “normal” wife for him. I felt so hurt, humiliated and confused. Finding Dr. Pacik and the Forum was the first time I really felt like I could talk and share because there were other women going through the same thing. I remember how I couldn’t believe it as I thought I was the only one in the world who had this. After having the procedure and being able to have pain-free intercourse I feel like shouting it from the roof top because I don’t want any girl/women to go through what I went through for over 34 years. I’m so glad that you found Dr. Pacik and the Forum. Please know that we are all here for you and you now have other women you can share with, who will be with you every step of the way through your journey of becoming free of Vaginismus!

[Heather34]

Hi ladies. I wanted to share a recent excellent post regarding this topic:

Leena writes:

“Dear Friends and Family,

This is normally close to the time of year when I have an annual fundraiser to support a favorite charity. As funny as this feels, this year I am asking you to help me. There is a medical procedure that will make a big difference in my life. It’s very sensitive and deeply personal, so I won’t go into details (rest assured it is not plastic surgery!)

It is for a condition that has not been studied until very recently, and there is just one doctor who performs this procedure, which he pioneered, and his offices are located in New Hampshire. He is well-reputed and recognized and has done thorough research and carried out studies on this treatment. He has treated hundreds of people over the past several years, with a 90% success rate. Unfortunately, my insurance will not cover this procedure because they still consider it experimental, and this doctor is retiring this summer. In addition, I have been unable to work and will be unable to do so in the foreseeable future due to a disability (which is why I’ve temporarily moved back home to recuperate physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially).

I am hoping to have the procedure done in May in New Hampshire and would appreciate any help you can give as I try to finance the $6,000 procedure and associated travel and accommodation costs (I need to stay there several days).

Note that giving through this website, which is via PayPal, shaves 3% off your donation, so contact me if you can send a check instead.

Thanks for considering this request, and prayers and positive wishes are also needed and welcome.”

[ceegee]

This is an excellent letter.