Finally a light at the end of the tunnel

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Viewing 11 posts - 31 through 41 (of 41 total)
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  • #11527
    Heather34
    Participant

    Hi Elaine. Please know that whatever you decide to do (i.e. either involving Mike with the dilating or deciding to not have him involved), you will be supported 100% in your decision. I had the highest level of anxiety prior to my own procedure about being able to use the dilators. I just couldn’t wrap my head around how I was ever going to be successful inserting something when I had never done this before. I also was terrified after reading stories in which it said that you practice using the dilators in the same room as others and sometimes, the curtains open and you talk to other patients who also have vaginismus. I’m a very shy individual and the thought of all of this was incredibly overwhelming for me. This was also well before Dr. Pacik created this Forum so I really didn’t know what to expect. I actually ended up speaking to a wonderful therapist pre-procedure and expressed all of these concerns/fears openly which was incredibly helpful. One of the best pieces of advice that she gave me was that it was my decision if I wanted to speak to the other patients and open the curtains and also how much I wanted to involve my husband. And, it was wonderful to have some reassurance and support in that she believed that I would be able to do the dilating despite how much I believed that I wouldn’t be able to. I ended up having a great experience with the procedure, dilating thereafter, and speaking to another patient who also had vaginismus. Up until that point, I had never met another person who had the same condition as I did. Regarding the dilation, it was an amazing feeling for me to actually wake up with the dilator in place, go to the bathroom, and re-insert it right in pain-free. Thereafter, I practiced inserting, removing, and re-inserting the dilator which was very liberally lubed with surgilube/lidocaine mixture. At first, I was nervous to do this with my husband beside me. Then, after receiving some wonderful support from one of the nurses, Andrea, I decided to involve him. At that point, we had been married for 5 years and together for 11 years total. By involving him, he was able to see for the first time in our relationship, that I was not in pain with insertion and he would not hurt me later with intercourse, which he feared and I was able to build even more trust with him. But, every single person is different and everyone’s experience is very unique to them. Like Nakitalab, there have been several patients who have not had their partners/husbands participate in dilation but have all moved forward to tremendous success. The best decision that you can make will be your own and please know that we are all here to support you. Sending big hugs.

    #11528
    elaine0086
    Participant

    Thank Nakitalab and Heather! I really appreciate it:) Also Heather it makes me feel better that you really didn’t have your mind made up until that moment. I think a big part of my decision will be how I feel when it is all taking place. My emotions on everything lately truly are day to day. One day I am confident in myself with the trip to New Hampshire the next I am freaking out. One minute I am sure of mine and Mike’s future together the next I am not at all. Also I am so excited with my future but it is such an unknown for me. What kept me sane for so many years was staying in my little world of horses and competing. This is going to open a whole new world to me that doesn’t just include sex. It is a whole new life in general!
    It is scary and exciting all in one. I also can’t believe in only two and a half more weeks I will be on my way up to New Hampshire!!! Also I would like to know if anyone else is schedule for June 17th! Thanks again for all the support everyone:) don’t know what I would do without you guys!!!

    #11544
    elaine0086
    Participant

    So I just wanted to give another quick update! I can not believe next Sunday I will be on a plan heading to New Hampshire. That is EIGHT DAYS!!! not that I am counting or anything. I know I have said this before but I am going to say it again…this is all so surreal. I am sure many of you have felt the same way. I have lived my life with Vaginismus for so long for my treatment to be right around the corner is hard to comprehend.
    On another note I wanted to let you all know Mike and I are doing well:) I am still not ready to be in a relationship but I am just enjoying us. We had a big monumental moment last weekend. Not going underneath my panies with his hand he gave me my first orgasm by someone else. I was not expecting us to go there but we did! This was the first time ANYONE has ever gone down there since the incident when I was fifteen. Again a surreal moment for me. Well that is all for today! Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

    #11543
    Heather34
    Participant

    Hi Elaine! This is so, so wonderful and you are taking monumental steps already!!! So, so cool!!!! I also think it’s great that you guys will be flying in as it will feel like little to no travel time rather than driving the 15 hours. I remember prior to my own procedure, it definitely felt surreal leading up to it and even after it. I had to keep pinching myself to believe that it was really happening. It was one of the best decisions of my life and for our marriage and I thank God everyday that I found Dr. Pacik, had the procedure, and now can make love to my hubby, pain-free. I know you are going to do so, so, so well and I am here to support you 100%!!!! Sending hugs!!!!

    #11577
    elaine0086
    Participant

    Hey guys,
    So the last couple of days have been full of high anxiety. I am a nervous wreck about next week and I am not sure why. Also I posted earlier about how Mike gave me a orgasm last weekend. Although I did enjoy it I am now feeling sick to my stomach. I have never told anyone this before but during the incident when I was fifteen I was forced to also give oral. Although I do with all my heart want to have sex with Mike I am freaking myself out with everything else. I want to so badly give him pleasure but there is a big part of me that gets sick to my stomach. It feels so dirty to me. I know throughout this process that even when we start intercourse it will not be “sex” right away I want to give him release but not sure if I can. Also again when Mike and I are being intimate with every bit of me I want to have sex but I do not want to see him down there. I know that seems soooo oxymoron but it is how I feel. I am 26 years old and besides when I was fifteen I have never seen a penis. It resembles disgust to me. Any advice on how to get past this??

    Elaine

    #11580
    Heather34
    Participant

    Hi Elaine. I want you to sincerely know that I’m here for you and KNOW that everything is going to go so well for you with this procedure next week. I was so nervous prior to my own procedure and it was so helpful for me to be able to talk about this openly. By doing this, you, again, are already taking very important steps in healing. Please know that you are in excellent care with Dr. Pacik, Janet, and the entire staff. As I wrote in an earlier post, they have a very, very special way of helping even the most anxious patients to feel calm and they genuinely care so much. Dr. Pacik also wrote the book on everything vaginismus (literally – When Sex Seems Impossible) and it’s so reassuring to have a Doctor with this level of knowledge, understanding, and caring. Concerning your feelings of disgust, please know that this too is such a common feeling and you are not alone with it at all. Just like overcoming the physical pain of vaginismus, I KNOW that you will be able to overcome the emotional pain as well and have pleasurable intercourse. Dr. Pacik will talk in-depth about this on day 2 in the counseling part of the program and also brainstorm of ways to work through this along with any other issues that can co-occur with vaginismus. Also, Darcy, a certified sex therapist in NH, wrote a great post that you may find helpful:

    Darcy@CSCS-NH
    “For the women that I see in my sex counseling practice, it helps to build positive sex memories and to focus on communication with your partner. Using fantasy and connecting sound, touch, taste, smells, and images to the sexual experience can also aid. The images, smells, etc don’t even have to be sexual. If fresh baked cookies make you smile and feel warm and gooey inside or an image of green grass swaying in a field relaxes you, focusing on those things during foreplay or while masturbating will help to create new “memories” that will start to elicit those same warm gooey feelings with sexual touch. Before you know it, sex and sexual touch start to bring on those same emotions. Knowing your own body and how it reacts to various touch and stimulation are also very critical to helping to share that experience with someone else.”

    I, again, know that you will do great next week and are in excellent care. Sending hugs!!!

    #11586
    Nakitalab
    Participant

    Hi Elaine, I want you to know that I’m thinking of you. The first thing that came to my mind in reading this post is to tell you to try not to be so hard on yourself and to celebrate every step, every success that you make no matter how big or how small. Look how much you have accomplished just in the short time that you have started posting on the Forum! It is just awesome. Given everything that you have gone through– the feelings and emotions that you are going through is totally normal. Try to be patient with yourself. For me sometimes its helpful to step outside of myself and love and be a friend to the little girl (me) giving myself the unconditional love, and patience that I would so give to someone else. I hope I explained that correctly. Just know that you should be extremely proud of how far you have come already! I’m here for you and you are and will continue to be in my prayers. Sending you a big hug!

    #11589
    elaine0086
    Participant

    Thank you guys for your kind words and positive thoughts. I did decide to talk to Mike about how I was feeling (well I didn’t say that a penis brings back feelings of disgust exactly) and once again he has been so supportive through this all. Told me that if that there is no pressure and when I am ready when I want to we will cross that bridge when it comes and also said like you Nakitalab that I need to stop being so hard on myself. I know I said this before but it is so weird to have this many strong mixed emotions all about the same thing. Its EXHAUSTING lol! I did talk to Ellen on the phone last night and she seems so sincere and kind. I know I will be in good hand:) I am still having a hard time wrapping my head around that this day next week I will be traveling home and entering into a new phase in my life. One that for most of my life didn’t think was for me.
    Well again thank you guys so incredibly much for your kind and helpful words. It means so much to me to have the support of people that understand where I am coming from. I appreciate it more that words can say. Hope everyone is have a great week:)

    Elaine

    #11598
    elaine0086
    Participant

    Well here goes nothing….. My plane is to take off at 1:30 this afternoon. I guess there is no turning back now!!! Honestly right now I feel numb which I guess is better than high anxiety we will see what happens when I get ready to step on the plane and then into Dr. Pacik’s office early tomorrow morning. My biggest worry right now is what if I am not “normal” down there and Vaginismus is not my problem. All week I haven’t been able to stop researching and I cant find anything else that it could even possibly be but it will still be nice just to have it confirmed since I have never been to a doctor to be diagnosed. It has all been self diagnosis.
    Well I am going to make this short and sweet today but as I get ready to take this big step forward I want to thank everyone again for all your support. You have been there through my high points and low points and I cant think you enough. It is so comforting to know that as I enter this phase in my life that I have a support system to help me every step of the way. Hope everyone is going to have a great Father’s Day and a wonderful weekend:)

    Elaine

    #11599
    Heather34
    Participant

    Hi Elaine. Please know that I am here for you always and everything is going to go so good for you. Please trust in Dr. Pacik, Janet, and all of the staff – they will be there for you every single step and are all so amazing. Sending Huge Hugs!!!!!

    #11600
    Nakitalab
    Participant

    So excited for you Elaine! You are in my prayers and we are all here for you, cheering you on!

Viewing 11 posts - 31 through 41 (of 41 total)
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