[SexlessInSeattle]

Also @blueclouds, I’m sorry your experiences came down to “suffer through it”, and it’s so unfortunate how common this is. I’ve experienced some of that too. But please don’t normalize that for other women. It is possible to advocate for ourselves and get better care.

[SexlessInSeattle]

Please call your doctor before your appointment and let them know what’s going on with you and ask them what options they can provide to help make this more comfortable for you. If you don’t get a call back, say that at the beginning of the appointment. If it feels difficult to say this to them, practice ahead of time with a friend, in the mirror, on a pretend phone call etc. It’s unfortunate that medical professionals aren’t always proactive in addressing pain or other issues, but you can advocate for yourself and get better care. Our thoughts and support are with you.

[SexlessInSeattle]

I think that if you’re significantly sore the next day you might be pushing it a little too hard. When I’ve been able to make good progress, slight soreness is common (and I will say – it’s more uncomfortable than the soreness from working out other muscles, because it has more of a “stinging”/”throbbing” element to it). But usually any time I’ve been more sore than that was a result of pushing my body too much (e.g., medical exam, trying to have sex when I wasn’t ready). Dilation should be pretty gentle and slow, while still uncomfortable in the moment. If you’re seeing a medical professional or PT it might be helpful to discuss with them how sore you’re getting or how much you should be “pushing” with the dilators. Congrats on your progress!

[SexlessInSeattle]

I would think that’s pretty typical – the largest dilator is still uncomfortable, and I have to work up to it gradually using the previous 2 dilators. So I don’t think my body is ready to accept penetration without pain.

[SexlessInSeattle]

I’m also trying to figure out how to share this with others. I had some deeper talks with friends about vaginismus in my 20s. Some of their responses were helpful, some weren’t. It feels more shameful to discuss this as I’ve gotten older — it feels like there’s an expectation that I should be “figured out” in my 30s. I brought this up with a couple of friends recently. They had no particular reaction either way, didn’t ask any questions or make any comments at all. I think I am craving for someone to say something like “that must be hard” and just kind of open the window for me to be able to express myself more. Pondering the idea of asking for support more directly. I’m a pretty direct person – I’m actually writing this post from the crisis line where I volunteer, so I’m not a stranger to talking about difficult or stigmatized issues. But it’s so much harder when it’s about working through my own judgment. I think that getting support and opening up are important parts of my healing but I don’t know how to move forward yet.

[SexlessInSeattle]

Some more to add, in case anyone is reading this. I went to see a PT today. I had seen a different one a few weeks ago but didn’t feel good about her treatment plan — she didn’t emphasize the use of dilators at all, and she told me that for someone who has had vaginismus for about a decade she wouldn’t expect it to fully resolve. But I’ve also never fully followed through on a treatment plan from PT so I don’t want to give up yet on the possibility of healing or feeling like my issues are resolved. It’s been helpful to me to read about the importance of dilating here and advocate for my needs with treatment. The new PT seems much more helpful and I’m happy to have some physical support as I move through the dilators again. The physical exam was not painful but I’m still feeling vulnerable about having weekly appointments and having frequent internal exams/manual physical therapy. I’m already working on my largest dilator (my vaginismus doesn’t really regress to any extreme, but it’s still impossible to enjoy penetrative sex), and part of me really wants to move quickly through this and another part of me is worried about next steps after that. I really want to remain committed and do this for myself, whether to expand my sexual connection in my current relationship or whether that connection comes elsewhere in the future.

[SexlessInSeattle]

Wouldn’t the better approach here be to support adolescent girls and young women to explore themselves internally before their first time having sexual intercourse? E.g. with their own fingers or their partners, with a vibrator, etc. It doesn’t sit right with me to tell young women that their first time will likely be painful and that’s that – it makes more sense for them to learn about what might reduce pain for them.

[SexlessInSeattle]

SL0610, thanks for sharing your experience with us. Medical procedures like your ultrasound can be so hard when experiencing vaginismus. I hear you and hope you find the support that you need.

I think it’s really important to be clear with your OBGYN about what’s happening for you, including your anxiety around the ultrasound and that you aren’t comfortable with the idea of the birth control ring. I have also felt a lot of shame in some of my early conversations with medical providers, but eventually came to realize that the more direct and assertive (and sometimes vulnerable) I could be, the more I could get my needs met.

This is a hard journey and I hope you’re being kind to yourself <3

[SexlessInSeattle]

I had a very similar experience. I suggest the following:
– Tell your doctor that clear communication is very important to you during a pelvic exam. It’s okay to tell them you are scared or nervous.
– Practice the use of dilators ahead of a pelvic exam. Even possibly try to block out the time before the visit and dilate an hour or so beforehand.
– Tell the doctor you want to try inserting the speculum yourself. Be firm about this. My best experiences have been when I could do the initial insertion myself and then the doctor guides it after that.
– Give yourself permission to leave an appointment if you don’t feel like your needs for communication are being met. It’s okay to go to an appointment, discuss your concerns, and refuse a physical exam.
– Plan something nice for yourself after the visit. If there’s any chance you could take the day off, I think that’s great self-care. Doesn’t have to be anything big, maybe just tell yourself you get to watch a movie in bed or something else kind and gentle.

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