[Sam786]

Hello everyone.

It has been a while since i posted on this. The last time i posted on this was in May 2019 when i was absolutely in despair and had lost complete hope of ever getting over my vaginismus.

Today, in March 2020, i can say that i am not completely over the psychology of my vaginismus but i have had successful, painless, vaginal-penetrative sex 3 times since being able to start having penetrative sex with my husband at the end of Feb 2020 and i am elated.

I have been with my husband for almost 5 and a half years and we have been married for just over 7 months. I think it is really important to note that we got married at a stage where my vaginismus was still present, i could get nothing in and we both knew that it could be a reality for us to have a sex-less marriage… but he still married me. So to any woman in a relationship having struggles or having anxiety about relationships, there are many many people out there who will love you no matter what your sexual capability and even make a lifelong commitment to you, despite the issue.

Now, to how i overcame my vaginismus:

It took me YEARS. 3+ years to get to where i am today. 3 years of emotions, stress, depression, self-hate, distress. It has been a rollercoaster.
Long story short, most of my progress happened over a period of 4 months, starting December 2019, but getting to that point was slow and very emotionally painful. Even when i was making progress, it was still very stressful and emotional and there were a lot of tears and pure frustration.

I have been having psychosexual therapy for just over a year now, maybe. The therapy is a huge reason why i am where i am. I have also been on anti-anxiety medication (sertraline) for almost 2 years now.
The combined therapy and medication has helped me but it was in no way quick or easy and was still a huge struggle and also very expensive for me as i paid privately for all my therapy as i could not get it on the NHS.

The main turning point was a visit to the doctor. I had recently moved and signed up to a new surgery. I was constantly angry about my vaginismus and my husband kept encouraging me to go to the doctor to seek out more treatment options. Me and my therapist had spoken about dilators to which i outright said no, i cant do it and it is never going to happen because i hate the idea of it.
Anyway, back to the doctors appointment. I was dreading it. Having to speak about it all again. But i sucked it up and went. I ended up breaking down and almost begging for something. The doctor eventually prescribed me 5mg diazepam tablets to take as and when, i.e before attempting penetration.
At this point i already had dilators just sitting at home and i was adamant not to use them because the medicalisation of penetration made me feel awful about myself.
So i took some diazepam, made a nice environment for me and my husband and when he got home we tried to have sex. Of course, this was never going to work. You cant go from 0 to 100.

Eventually he persuaded me to use the smallest dilator. Lots of lube and a lot of bravery later, plus the diazepam helping me relax my muscles, (i also bought some xylocaine spray and sprayed it externally to numb the external area), i managed to just get the tip of the dilator in.

I was esctatic. I sobbed. I cried so much and i just couldnt believe it.
This gave me a lot more confidence and over the next few days i managed to get all of the smallest one in. It was super emotionally draining. Dilating is. Dilating is very mentally exhausting. Challenging your mindset on that level is extremely tiring.
Over the next week or so, i soared up to number 3.
And then i hit a brick wall.

Number 4 dilator was a no go. I couldnt for the life of me get it in. I was so angry. I hated my body again for failing me. I would be in absolute fits of rage, which made my husband distance himself from me during dilating because he hated it causing arguments. Eventually we had a chat about it and i agreed to try and appreciate the progress and not focus on the negatives but inside i was still annoyed at not being able to get number 4 in.
I spoke to my therapist about it and this information was so vital for my dilating. He asked me if i am turned on when i am trying to insert number 4. I said no, i work up to number 3 and then try to put number 4 in. He told me to stop doing that. He said that i am teaching my body and my vagina to forcibly accept something inside it when i am not mentally or physically aroused which can become a dangerous and damaging habit. He also reminded me that no female would be able to stick something that big inside of them without being aroused and it would cause pain for them too, no matter how much sex they had had.
He explained that the vagina opens up and lengthens with arousal and therefore i needed to make my dilating sessions, my temporary sex.
From then on, i was encouraged to look at dilating as sex and not as dilating in order to get past the plateu i had hit. My therapist advised it is doable with the smaller dilators but as you get bigger and longer, arousal is a necessity.

Despite taking all the advice on, i still couldnt manage number 4. In the end my husband bought me a dildo in the size between dilator 3 and dilator 4. This made it a lot sexier, as it was a sex toy rather than a piece of plastic. I spent some time using this to dilate my vagina. Around this point i used to do a lot more dilating on my own as i felt more comfortable and could go at my own pace. I could get the dildo in, but even when i was feeling aroused, i struggled with the length. My therapist insisted that length insertion would come with time so i started to not focus on it and instead focused on width.
I still struggled with number 4 and 5. I never did manage to actually complete the dilators set before i started having sex.

The road to sex started with my fingers. Although i had been dilating for some time, the idea of finger insertion still made me feel a bit cringe and it was something i struggled with. Then, one night, my husband encouraged me and said to give my fingers a try. I was super scared even though my finger is close in size to the smallest dilator. I braved it and did it and it was another barrier that i had overcome. I enjoyed using fingers but having done so much of the vaginal insertion myself i now needed to start building that trusting relationship with my husband again, whereby i could feel comfortable to give him the control when it came to vaginal insertion.
Again, this started with fingers. I would initially feel super scared and nervous. His fingers are bigger and longer than mine (he is 6’2 and i am 5’2 so his hands are a lot bigger). I would start by using my hands to insert just the tip of his fingers and then i would let him do the rest. It took a couple times to get used to it but actually it helped in getting us to sex as it was just us and felt more intimate, no toys, no dilators, just my husband and me and his fingers. I could only let him use one finger inside me. Oddly enough, even now having had sex, i do prefer just the one but i havent let myself worry too much about that.

Now, onto the actual sex. I enjoyed being fingered by my husband so we did this as foreplay in order to get me fully aroused and increase the chances of inserting his penis. Once i was fully turned on, we both lubed up further and we tried insertion. It was painful mainly because i was quite nervous and was tensing a lot. My husband helped me to relax by taking it very slow. The first time, we managed to get half his penis in. No thrusting. None of us finished. I was just letting myself get used to the idea of having a grown man adult penis inside me. After about 10 minutes i was mentally drained and we stopped. That was our first time.
It wasn’t like a movie. It wasn’t hardcore. It was still tough and it took many positions to get comfortable but we had successful penetration!
The next time we had sex, it was very hit and miss. It took a lot of time to find a comfortable position, i was still nervous and scared and it still hurt a little as i was tense, and i wouldn’t say i overly enjoyed it but i didn’t hate it either. That time we did get full insertion of his penis but it was very slow and everything was calculated. Anything that overly hurt me, we didn’t do… so, for example, thrusting quite far in and out was not something i could tolerate because it made me tense so i told my husband to move in and out ever so slightly without pulling out too much. If it persistently hurt, at any point, we decided we would stop.

I started to get more comfortable with the idea of sex and was starting to relax more about the idea. The last few times we have had sex, it still takes time. We found a comfortable position for insertion when there is pain caused from being tense. This involves my husband being on top with his chest at the same height as mine, him resting on his hands with his arms straightened, my legs up and then inserting almost down towards the spine (best way i can describe it, sorry).
From the back is also quite comfortable for me personally as it allows me to use my vibrator comfortably at the same time and that relaxes me even more.
As i said, it is still slow. We aren’t having wild sex or anything crazy like that. I still struggle with thrusting, so we always start slow and once i am more comfortable i tell my husband whether he can go in and out further. Sometimes i still get anxious which causes pain. Sometimes we struggle to get his penis properly in the first few tries.
It is an ongoing process but for all the women on here, it is possible.
I never ever ever ever thought that i would be here writing about having vaginal penetrative sex with my husband. There were days, weeks and months where i lost hope. I didn’t want to live. I told my husband to leave me and be with somebody else because i didn’t feel worthy of being loved by him.
I hated my body. I hated my vagina.
This has been a long, gruelling process. Vaginismus is not easy to get over. I still struggle. Every journey is also so different so there is no right way which makes it even more frustrating.
But i promise, you will get there and even if you don’t… love your body. Your body is worthy of love and affection. YOU are worthy. And i hope from the bottom of my heart that wherever you are in your journey, whilst reading this, that you can fully heal one day. I really do.
Vaginismus ruined me and now vaginismus is also the reason why i feel so liberated, having started to overcome it.

Love to you all. It does get better and you are so, so strong.

[Sam786]

Hi Megreeson

I know this is going back quite a while now but I have only joined this forum recently. I was wondering if you could tell me more about your hymen removal surgery as I am considering have it done to rule out a physical cause of my vaginismus.

Is it provided on the NHS? If not, how much does it cost?
How long is the procedure?
What was the after-experience like?
Did they have to do a penetrative examination before they proceeded? The reason for this question is I am unable to have any penetrative examinations because of the severity of my vaginismus, but still want to remove my hymen if it is still intact ( I don’t know whether it is or isn’t) because I don’t want it to be a hinderance in the future when I finally am ready to have sex/overcome my psychological issues.

I would be grateful for more information!

[Sam786]

Hi Megreeson

I know this is going back quite a while now but I have only joined this forum recently. I was wondering if you could tell me more about your hymen removal surgery as I am considering have it done to rule out a physical cause of my vaginismus.

Is it provided on the NHS? If not, how much does it cost?
How long is the procedure?
What was the after-experience like?
Did they have to do a penetrative examination before they proceeded? The reason for this question is I am unable to have any penetrative examinations because of the severity of my vaginismus, but still want to remove my hymen if it is still intact ( I don’t know whether it is or isn’t) because I don’t want it to be a hinderance in the future when I finally am ready to have sex/overcome my psychological issues.

I would be grateful for more information!

[Sam786]

Heliopsis –

Thank you for your kind words, I truly appreciate them.
So, I have been to see my GP about this issue, my doctor did try to examine me however this failed and I was unable to allow her to do anything at all. She did then refer me to gynaecology and saw no point in giving me dilators as she felt it would just add more pressure. On examination by the gynaecologist, same thing happened and I was unable to allow her to examine me and she agreed with my GP and thought dilators would just add more pressure as she knew I would be unable to use them due to how stressed and anxious it makes me.

She suggested taking Sertraline for the anxiety aspect and getting Psychosexual therapy due to the history of sexual abuse and believed that the combination of the two would help me. I went back to my GP, got the Sertraline after basically begging for it and was told there is no psychosexual therapists in my area on the NHS and that I would have to go private. I started the Sertraline which did help with dealing with my emotions however, have been irregular in taking them for a while due to university stress. I did also see an unspecialised psychologist who just had an informal chat with me and suggested some places I could contact (RELATE was one of them but I never did get in touch with them).

I am going to make another appointment with my GP soon to discuss other treatment options or another referral back to the gynae department. As you know, the NHS is a slow process and everything does take forever so in the meantime I have actually followed your advice and booked an appointment with RELATE, to go to a session with my partner to see what they can offer me. My partner is also buying me the full treatment kit from vaginismus.com and has kindly offered to also pay for the session with RELATE. I have also booked an appointment with a private psychosexual counsellor for tomorrow which I am going to go to alone, to see if she can offer me more support. I spoke to her on the phone and she did mention she would like to get me started on dilators but she wants to initially have a chat with me first to see what needs to be done.
She also recommended that I go to my GP and swap the Sertraline for Amitriptyline which, in her experience, is a better drug for vaginismus related issues – I will be doing this when I next see my GP.

With regards to examination and allowing a professional to do this slowly, even then I do not feel that I am ready for this at the moment because my anxiety is so wild and I mentally just cannot relax. I think if I learnt some good relaxation techniques I maybe could but at this stage, going for another physical examination would just traumatise me more and make me feel I am back to square 1.

[Sam786]

60isthenewfifty –

Thank you so much for this advice and I have already added it to my list of things to discuss as options with my doctor. If the NHS or even private healthcare does offer this, then I will 100% do this so any physical cause may be ruled out and to give me some more peace of mind.

At this stage, I will do anything to help myself, no matter the time it takes or the cost.

[Sam786]

Recessivegenequeen –

Thank you for your wonderful and kind words. Today I feel a better person and am completely in the mindset that I can and will overcome this and that this does not define me in any way. I AM a complex individual, a multi-faceted human being with so much to offer the world. I am so glad for you that you were able to overcome this. I’ve told myself that it doesn’t even matter how long it takes or how much money it costs or what measures I need to take.

Vaginismus is a journey that is completely different for every individual. For some of us it is short and for others of us it may be a long road. Nonetheless, we are people who are worthy of happiness and love.

This forums has helped me see there are many options. When I went to my gynaecologist, due to the anxiety that the examination cause (she was unable to insert anything, I started crying before she even touched me), she suggested that dilators may not be the best option right now as I clearly cannot put anything in at all and would end up causing me more frustration than anything else. I am on Sertraline which an anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medication. I have been irregular with it, however I am going to start taking them regularly again soon.

On feeling motivated by everyone’s solidarity, I have actually made an appointment to see a psychosexual therapist tomorrow which is what my gynaecologist did suggest a while back due to my history of childhood sexual abuse. I have also booked an appointment for a couple therapy session to discuss if there is anything that they can offer me!

I feel proud of myself!!!!

[Sam786]

Hi 60isthenewfifty.

I am not sure whether my hymen is intact or not. I assume it is as i have had no penetration but I have never had this checked. I think my main concern with this would be that it would involve a form of penetration to 1, check the hymen and 2, remove it and this makes me feel very uncomfortable.

I also don’t think my hymen is the issue for me. I think for me, it is somewhat physical but the psychological issues are what is making it worse for me.

To add, i dont know if this hymen detaching procedure is something that is done in the UK under the National Health Service.

Thank you for your response!

[Sam786]

Hi

I am new here. I live in the UK and finally gathered up the courage to join after finding this forum very triggering because i was still coming to terms with this.

I cried myself into a frenzy tonight and then decided that no, i can do this. I have seen doctors about this issue but i am still at an avoidance stage and am still super scared of even attempting penetration. Any attempts at peneteration result in me just pushing and resisting my partner because i cannot relax.

I have been in a sexless relationship for almost 5 years now. I have never inserted anything into my vagina. Not even tampons. When i was seen by a gynae, she was unable to even carry out a proper examination because i jusy started crying and they called it superficial dyspareunia.

Since then, i have been on Sertraline to help with my sex related anxiety which initially i thought was working but now, i am not so sure.
My relationship is stable and a great, loving one.. but i find, as most women probably do, that i beat myself up for this way more than anyone else. My partner has never criticised me or made me feel bad, but i make myself feel bad.

I believe the cause of my inability to have sex is my childhood sexual abuse and physical abuse. My abuser exposed me to violent porn at a young age and used to make me watch them with him and also touched me inappropriately.
I also used to get beaten frequently as a kid which i believe may have contributed to my anxiety.

I am glad i finally joined this forum and i really hope that i will be “normal” soon.

I am going to try vagi-wave and also buying a treatment kit from vaginismus.com. if anyone has tried any of these then please do let me know if they work. Here is to hoping.

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