I feel like a sub-human.

[Sam786]

I have been in a sexless relationship for almost 5 years now. This relationship is also my first relationship. My partner is very understanding but that doesnt change how this makes me feel.

Some days i think, i am more than this. I am great. I am intelligent. A complex human being. An array of different emotions. I exist. I am beyond a body.

Other days i feel like a sub-human. I feel like a dead body. A walking corpse. I feel there is no soul inside of me. I feel lifeless, that i have nothing to offer to this world due to the simple fact that i cannot have sex. I think, how can a person be that much of a waste of life that they are incapable of the simplest of physical activites. I feel that nothing i achieve in this life is worth anything because i can’t have sex. I feel undeserving, i feel like i am not fit to be called a “woman.” I feel that my physical body just exists in space, it is there but with no purpose. I contemplate how i may never have children, how my partner probably feels stuck in this prison that we call a relationship. I feel like an oppressor who is unable to let him go, to let him be with someone who can make him truly and physically happy.
I pray to God to make this all go away.

My body feels as though it isn’t even mine anymore. I cannot make it do what i want. I cannot make it make me happy. I cannot make it make anyone happy.
I’ve wanted to cut myself open just to be able to have sex. Just so i can feel fulfilled in this dreary life but i don’t even have the strength for that.

I have had to bear a lot of physical pain throughout my life due to my abusers but there is something about the physical and psychological pain of having sex that i just cannot endure. I cant understand it. It is perplexing. Frustrating. It is more intolerable than the idea of dying, to me. I think that my body is so useless that maybe it would be better off if i was dead.

I have nothing to offer to the man i love or to myself and all this god d*mn pain…

[recessivegenequeen]

Sam786 – I am so sorry to hear about all the darkness you have been feeling. I know what a trap vaginismus can be and how truly isolating an experience it all is. What I most want you to understand is that the way you are feeling is extremely normal. So many of us have felt worthless, ashamed, and as though we will never have a worthy existence. It can feel like those feelings will never end.

HOWEVER, many of the women who have felt that way later went on to seek treatment and now have healthy, happy sex lives – I’m one of those women myself. For 10 years I suffered with vaginismus and thought sex was never an experience I’d be able to have. Part of what’s insidious about vaginismus is the way it makes you feel like the only person in the world to know this experience, but this forum proves how many people have clawed themselves out of the dark hole this problem traps you in.

It’s clear you have a lot of negative emotions to process (not even just those associated with vaginismus) – my recommendation is that you make an appointment to see a therapist. They can help you begin to understand the way you view intimacy and pain and give you the tools to begin climbing out of the pit.

There are so many treatment options available that can help you when you feel ready to try. Dilators, the botox treatment, pelvic floor therapy, and more offer a future that won’t feel like this one. It’s clear you’re a strong person who has endured a lot, so I know you have the strength necessary to take steps to build a better life for yourself. I hope you will – I can’t tell you how much you can heal yourself if you try.

[Sam786]

Recessivegenequeen –

Thank you for your wonderful and kind words. Today I feel a better person and am completely in the mindset that I can and will overcome this and that this does not define me in any way. I AM a complex individual, a multi-faceted human being with so much to offer the world. I am so glad for you that you were able to overcome this. I’ve told myself that it doesn’t even matter how long it takes or how much money it costs or what measures I need to take.

Vaginismus is a journey that is completely different for every individual. For some of us it is short and for others of us it may be a long road. Nonetheless, we are people who are worthy of happiness and love.

This forums has helped me see there are many options. When I went to my gynaecologist, due to the anxiety that the examination cause (she was unable to insert anything, I started crying before she even touched me), she suggested that dilators may not be the best option right now as I clearly cannot put anything in at all and would end up causing me more frustration than anything else. I am on Sertraline which an anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medication. I have been irregular with it, however I am going to start taking them regularly again soon.

On feeling motivated by everyone’s solidarity, I have actually made an appointment to see a psychosexual therapist tomorrow which is what my gynaecologist did suggest a while back due to my history of childhood sexual abuse. I have also booked an appointment for a couple therapy session to discuss if there is anything that they can offer me!

I feel proud of myself!!!!

[recessivegenequeen]

Sam786 – this is AMAZING! You should feel wildly proud of yourself right now. Looking back on my vaginismus journey, the absolute hardest step to take was the first one of seeking initial help and treatment. It’s so scary to acknowledge that you have a problem and that you’re ready to begin looking for solutions, but once you make an appointment it gives you another step to do or treatment to try, then another thing to do, then another, until you find yourself conquering goals that previously seemed impossible and discovering just how strong you are. I hope you will remember the strength this moment took along the way as you continue down your road.

Furthermore, I can tell you’re in the right headspace to handle your journey – you understand that there is no set timeline and no “right” way of doing things, just the way that works for YOU and leads you toward what YOU want out of life. There will be setbacks and moments when it’s hard to maintain confidence, but I hope you’ll remember your feelings of conviction and self-worth and draw upon them when you need them over the coming journey.

We’re so proud of you! Please let us know if it all goes and if you have any questions along the way – we’re here to support you!