[diercl48]

I realized the other day that I have to deal with this,The more I stop and start the longer it’s going to take to deal with this and the more of my emotional energy it will suck out of me. I keep going, but yesterday I could only emotionally handle 10 minutes so I gave it 10minutes. If I do this everyother day it seems to work for me. I keep forgetting to do the kegals but good news!! I’m on the third dialartor. I was talking to my friend the other day and realized I really had no support from my ex anyway, and who knows if the next person would give me any support anyway. I’m going to suck it up get through this and put it in the review mirror.

[diercl48]

I’m having one, well many days where the world just feels bigger than me. Exams and research and this isn’t really the most appealing thing to throw into my day. I’m not sure I can keep doing this. Right now it just seems pointless, being alone and me being so busy. It takes an hour out of my day, I have other PT that needs to be done that in the long run is more important than this. I have a bad hip. My final appointment is in two weeks and I’m waffling. I just have to decide if this really does matter. Some days I feel like just suck it up and deal. Move on with your life and sometimes like today I think how much longer!!! Or I just cry because i’m alone and feel deflated. I’m done with all the PT exercises ill see her I use my dilators but I always forget those.

[diercl48]

How are you doing with your vaginismus and how are you feeling overall? Also, it sounds silly but if he didn’t stay when you needed him then you deserve so much better. You should be loved no matter what happens. We are all different yet all special. Rember that, you deserve to be loved with or without this!

[diercl48]

I want to thank you guys for really supporting me through this. I cry and I get angry but knowing that I have a safe place to come and ask questions or even just say im frustrated helps me. Since seeing the psychologist I’ve been able to use my dilator daily. Before I was using them but not daily I was trying to “fix” myself instead of heal so I could be with my boyfriend that I was still in pain. I’ve been trying to be gentle and move upsizes at my own speed, not to the point where I feel like I’m purposely hurting myself.

I’m finally size two but it’s a tight squeeze lol I figured it can’t get stuck in there so I don’t have anything to fear trying the next size. I can use the third size but not all the way in. I slipped back and then with my psychologist I was able to get a good routine.

[diercl48]

Update!!

Two things, I started going back to school at the age of 31 and that is part of why finding time for this has been so hard. But I ended up making it on the dean’s list making it worth this process taking painstakingly long! Second things I started seeing a psychologist to help me work through this and having someone to talk to and a safe place to talk about this and cry freely makes this seem not so overwhelming and scary. I see some hope! If anything getting on the Dean’s list showed me that I am stronger than I thought.

[diercl48]

I hope it’s okay to post on here its nice to get a bit of support and not feeling isolated. People can only do so much because they don’t understand. I have decided to continue this journey. As much as I hate it and it’s hard I’m trying. My PT lady is getting a bit frustrated I’m not making enough progress. But if I dilate nightly I am on the floor in a ball crying. I feel like I failed after I did all that work for my PTSD and now I still need help. It took me months to realize my problem was a wound I had not found. I have a psychologist to help me work through this. I’ve done it once, ill do it again!!!

[diercl48]

This just happened to me. I understand how hard this is alone. As women, we sometimes forget the strength that we have. Somehow we always find the courage to risk our hearts and come out the other side okay. Find the strength that we all carry. It sits within everyone. I know that as hard as this is. You have courage, support and you deserve this. As for telling your next partner, it’s your choice! Love yourself, figure out what you like.

[diercl48]

I am still dilating, and I have been working with a PT lady since the start. I found out I had this when I went in to see a fertility specialist. I have been on chemotherapy for years and wanted to check that out. I got this news! I took a break because it’s emotionally a lot, but I’m getting in to see a psychologist, and my mom is as supportive as she can be. She doesn’t pry just tells me she doesn’t know how I find the strength to do this. She listens with an open ear and an open heart. I went to the gyno the other day, and it didn’t hurt as bad, and I told her. When she sees me break down in tears, she asks if there is something she can do. Part of my frustration is I have a rare form of muscular dystrophy, and I’ve been through therapy for PTSD, and I came out stronger. I have epilepsy by no sense of the word has my life been simple. I am not whining, but my frustration comes with three things I’m so used to being strong enough that I don’t just break down, and I don’t need someone and was able to before. I know what I am missing.
But on the positive side, I don’t feel pressured or like I’m rushing to get this done. I feel like it’s okay to go on vacation and take a break for two days. I have a wonderful friend who helps me laugh. I also am doing this because I want to go into my next relationship, confident that I can have fun! That I can connect and want to!

[diercl48]

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