scared and frustrated

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    Sorry, this is so long but after months of trying to deal with this on my own and my loving boyfriend, I finally found people that understand and I don’t feel isolated. I’m 31 and have had sex without pain for many years, but when I went to have sex with my boyfriend, we found out that I had vaginismus. It was disheartening because I feel less then and I found out a few weeks before that I may not be able to have kids. I really feel like less than a woman in so many ways. I cry as I type this because it’s all painful and emotional. . When my boyfriend found out I may not be able to have kids, he said its okay well adopt, and I couldn’t love him more for holding me and telling me I’m whole. He has been so supportive of this whole thing and is my biggest cheerleader. I go up a size in a dilator, and he’s excited for me and us. I’ve been busy with school, so it’s been an on and off the process with PT, and it’s emotionally draining. I can’t seem to be able to do some of what she wants me to. I try to visualize, but I can’t do it, and it just frustrates me and makes me cry. I am great with my dilators a little over halfway there. Sometimes I feel like the stress some of the exercise outways the benefits because I cant actually relax. Whereas with the dilators I can relax and focus on the process. I feel like this PT is never going to end and never work. I’m scared he’ll walk away if I don’t fix this soon, but he’s reassured me that’s not the case. How do guys deal with this?


    Hi @diercl48,

    Welcome to our Forum and thank you so much for sharing your story. You’ll find a very supportive and understanding community here.

    First of all, kudos to you on your bravery and resiliency. While vaginismus is a highly treatable condition, healing often requires courage and patience! So the fact that you continue to attempt the PT exercises, the knowledge that you have been able to make progress with dilation – these are amazing measures of how accountable you are to your sexual health and overall well-being. I’m also so glad to know that you are in a relationship with someone who is supportive and caring.

    If the anxiety you’re experiencing with PT is potentially outweighing the benefits, I would suggest you speak with your PT. Adjustments in exercise approach as well as pacing can always be explored. And we find that a focus on stress-release and relaxation – both during exercises/dilation and generally throughout the day – is an integral part of the healing process.

    Please stay in touch and let us know how you’re progressing!


    Hi diercl48! You are doing an amazing job with dilating and physical therapy! Your work will pay off 🙂 I second what Jennifer said. Speak to your PT because vaginismus is a pain all on it’s own, you don’t want to be miserable while you’re doing all this hard work. It’s his/her job to make you comfortable! Your boyfriend sounds like a wonderful supporter, I’m glad you have someone to cheer for you and lift you up when this becomes overwhelming. During dilating, if you’re doing this at home and not during PT, you can help yourself relax by making it a pleasant experience! Light some candles, put on a movie or tv show you love, maybe some soft music, and maybe lay on a heating pad! Make yourself as comfy and cozy as you can, and pamper yourself during this time. I 100% feel your pain. What worked best for me was just to make myself happy during this time and instead of looking at it as a chore, I looked at it as ‘me time’. As for your last question, I think all guys handle it differently. My husband sounds just like your boyfriend! He sees you making an effort, he sees you fighting for not only yourself but for him too and he also sees that this is a hard time for you too. Intercourse is just 1 part of a relationship. Temporarily it may be on pause, so take this time to enjoy all the other parts of your relationship 🙂 This will one day be a part of your past. Give yourself a big pat on the back, you’re doing great and do not give up! Keep us posted!


    diercl48 – thank you for sharing your story. I second what all these great women have already said, and want to add that it is so clear that your boyfriend loves you and I’m glad you have such an enthusiastic advocate for your progress. Speaking as someone who has struggled with these same feelings and questioned how anyone would ever love me when I had this problem, I think it really does make a difference when your partner sees you working on the problem and committed to solving it – after all, we all have struggles in life and a good and reasonable partner won’t expect us to just never have to deal with any difficulties. Keep working and keep trusting that you’re worth the love you’re getting, because you are.



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