[bettyslocombe]

Autumn,

I think any of the women here can echo what you wrote. (I cried when my GP tried to do a pelvic exam – I’m blessed that this man has been my GP for so long because I got a hug out of it rather than further shaming; I wondered if I was asexual or gay because I couldn’t relax during sex; the confusion when you’d ask for advice in a round-about-way and realize that everyone else could seemingly relax for sex; or have people tell you it’s just the wrong guy and you need a glass of wine.)

On the man note: I now believe that if a man is worth his salt and he truly, really cares… he’ll support you contingent on you making a real, concerted effort to improve the situation. If a guy flakes out when you don’t have sex… be glad you found that out early. I think this is a complicated one as it’s important to want to fix vaginismus for yourself BUT I think a romantic partner is a fine motivation or impetus to take the leap in fixing it, too.

Unfortunately: I have tried to figure out why I have / had vaginismus and I think it’s a perfect storm (sex-negative upbringing, body image and self-esteem issues passed down, awful initial sexual activities and then pursuing / dating the wrong men). I think because there’s no standard cause and effect with vaginismus that what treatment should be will vary but a mix of CBT, pelvic-floor physio, and dilators was what I needed.

However: putting a name to what you are dealing with, acknowledging it, and realizing you need help is the hardest part. The cure rate is high and you can fix this.

[bettyslocombe]

HELLO ALL.

I am really sorry to go mute and not keep you all posted. I have some news / updates but wanted to reply to a few points!

First. I want to say before I really started seeing results – I thought the pelvic floor physio and dilators was utter quackery. If you told me a year ago that you can work to relax your vagina with yoga positions and silicone dildo looking things… I’d have burst out laughing.

I also want to tell women who feel like the treatment is taking too damn long: celebrate the little wins. Two weeks ago, I stood naked in front of my boyfriend after a shower and had a full on conversation about god-knows-what. He called it out a few days later to remind me – YOU HAVE MADE PROGRESS; me back in May 2022 would NEVER do that. These little things are all progress – even something that seems small like buying panties that aren’t granny panties is a win if you are trying to become sex positive.

And. Take breaks. I came down with COVID three weeks after starting treatment, and was really worried about taking a break / slowing down. It turns out… taking a break does not take you right back to square one.

@recessivegene: your dilator feedback really calmed me down when I read it. I’m sorry I’m saying thank you now – I had to take some time away from the vaginismus subreddit and maze forum lurking during some trying times. That dang box sat on my end table for weeks. I could barely look at them and I am now (still dilating) with the last one. Wa wa wee wa as Borat would say!

@Sks823: I feel you. The anxiety around doctors and assessments for this has been a real thing. I tried Ativan with a previous boyfriend to have sex and it never worked. The first man who broke my heart was a big pothead, and smoking pot also never worked. I’ve really had to face my relationship with alcohol as part of this vaginismus deal… so I’m hesitant to give this next point – BUT: I am lucky to live in a country (Canada) where cannabis is legal. The first few pelvic-floor physio appointments were nerve-wracking. I was able to take some CBD oil (no THC) about an hour prior to my appointments to calm my nerves (I bought this originally for my insomnia), and it really really helped. I understand CBD / cannabis is controversial, so if it’s against the Terms of Service… sorry mods. I do not use CBD every day, but I did take this on days where I knew the tasks would be trying, like in person physio or the first time I did the mirror exercise.

@Persevere: I also feel you too! Today was the first day in a REALLY long time I was able to concentrate on my job. I am lucky that my current role is a bit better in the work-life balance department than my last role because there were days I barely concentrated at work and the vaginismus consumed me since May / June / July / August / September (ai yi yi…) of this year.

I suspect the reason I am able to concentrate today despite having a busy weekend is because… I had sex on Friday. I was penetrated. THREE TIMES OVER TWO DAYS. It is still anxiety-filled and wasn’t spontaneous and had stop-starts and I had to adjust my legs and it wasn’t like the movies… but it happened.

Y’all, I cried. I actually was in disbelief. Y’all, I told myself I would not be a blubbery mess after the first time I had sex and I was. But I am unashamed!

I really wish I could tell you all that there was one thing that worked (and I want to make clear I’m still in treatment – sex isn’t spontaneous quite yet; I expect to still dilate and stretch for a while) But I attribute my success to a mix of pelvic floor physiotherapy (started first week of July 2023), CBT / psychotherapy (I’ve been doing this since March 2020), and dilators (I used the vuva tech ones). I’ve been lucky to have a hella-supportive partner as well throughout this journey. Journaling was a big one – I journaled on paper and also did video journals on my iPhone on occasion (I would share the one I did the night I had sex but it’s got quite a lot of inappropriate language :P)

Writing task lists also helped to keep me accountable (These lists had everything and anything: AM and PM Stretches, Water Intake, Dilating, Journaling, Psychotherapy, Looking at Myself with a Mirror, Receiving Oral Sex / Fingering, Reading. I did not do all of these in one day or every day). I know my pyschotherapist was a little bit skeptical about the lists being too much pressure but the lists did help so long as I was patient and graceful and forgiving of myself.

I set Sept 30th as my ‘goal day’ to have sex. It took the whole damn day but it happened. Having a ‘set day’ worked for me, but I do think sometimes that can put too much pressure so… YMMV.

I am happy to answer PMs and can give the name of the clinic I used for physiotherapy (I’m in Toronto, Canada) as well as books I felt helped me (the previously mentioned vaginismus book by Dr. Reeve, as well as Becoming Cliterate and Come As You Are ). There were yoga tools that helped as well.

I might be late to replying but please reach out if you need a listening ear <3

[bettyslocombe]

Hi mazemelissa! There definitely have been ups and downs. This is definitely a condition that is physical and mental – and sometimes I really have to psyche myself up mentally to do the treatment. It has gotten easier – I’m not crying anymore but it is still nerve wracking. One day at a time!

My dilators arrived and they’re definitely super intimidating… but even making a pelvic floor appointment was intimidating and sent me into tears so… I can do it!

Thank you recessivegenequeen! It’s definitely a journey and some days (like Sunday and last night Monday!) I was feeling very pumped but there are times the self-doubt comes in. I will definitely update here though as I go. Hopefully these words help at least one woman out there think about treatment and facing this.

[bettyslocombe]

Hi Helen and recessivegenequeen,

Thank you for the words of support!

Helen – you are definitely right; this is a very emotional and physical journey I am going on. I told my man-friend last week I feel like every day is an emotional rollercoaster – 70% of the time I’m PUMPED, 20% of the time I’m just frustrated and irritable, and 10% of the time I am despondent and sad and on the verge of tears. I just desperately want to feel normal and close to another human being! But I am taking steps and that is something.

recessivegenequeen – firstly, I’ve lurked a bit and your kind, encouraging replies REALLY made me feel optimistic and gave me the push before I booked my first pelvic floor physio appt! Thank you for this reply – this is like having a big college exam coming up; it feels insurmountable but I am glad that this is a condition that is temporary.

To anyone who is reading this: I AM WAY MORE OPTIMISTIC AND IN BETTER SPIRITS THIS WEEK versus last Friday when I posted this. Do not give up! You will have days where this sucks. The trick is to keep going. I’m sending you love.

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