I feel lost

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    Hi guys, I’m new here, I hope I’m posting in the right place! I have secondary vaginismus, as my GP has told me after I described it to her, and she recommended dilators you can buy online. I was hoping I could treat it myself with these plastic dilators I bought.. the thing is, I can only find vague guides as to how to do kegel exercises, but none go into real detail as in how hard you have to squeeze, how deep you should be inserting it, how long you need to squeeze for etc.
    I know I should be seeking professional help, but I can’t really do so as my mum is super conservative and I definitely wouldn’t be able to hide the fact I am getting treatment, considering I would have to travel very far to get help. I was wondering if anyone who used dilators could give me some guide to how exactly to use a set of dilators, and am I doing the right thing?


    Welcome to the group!
    Good for you for finding what you can to help resolve your symptoms. I’ll let one of the medical professionals answer the dilation/kegel aspect, but I just want to say that I feel your pain in how you don’t want want to share this with your mum and feel like you need to keep it a secret. Vaginismus is typically a condition people suffer with in isolation….but you’re here! And you’re empowered to make changes! So hang in there! Hopefully


    Dear I feel lost,

    Welcome to the forum!

    Dilation therapy is critical in treating vaginismus.

    There is a great book written by a physical therapist called “Sex without Pain” by Heather Jeffcoat, that I give to my patients who are working with dilators.

    It gives great instructions on dilation techniques.

    Some general guidelines for dilation that I tell my patients are:

    1. You should be dilating every day, for at least 10-20 minutes on a minimum. Some patients will dilate for 30 min or more if needed.

    2. Kegel exercises are helpful, especially I feel before you do you dilation. To locate those muscles, you want to mimic the sensation of stopping the flow of urination. Pulling the vaginal muscles up inside the body, without clenching your butt muscles, or stomach muscles.

    3. Prepping prior to dilation with a set of 10 kegel exercises can help locate the muscles, and help release some of the tension in the muscles.

    4. Then gently place the dilator at the vaginal entrance and leave it there for a few seconds. Then slwoly with steady contant pressure advance the dilator through the vaginal entrance.

    5. Typically the tightest muscle for most vaginismus patients is right about an inch inside the vagina, and that is where you will feel the most tension and burning pain when passing the dilator through. For most women, once they pass through that tight entrance, the dilator will more easily pass through.

    6. Leave the dilator inside, and if you feel comfortable you can move the dilator in and out, or roll it side to side to help with more stretching of the muscles.

    7. Once you fell comfortable using that size dilator, you can move on to the next size. For some patients they can transition to a new dilator after one week, sometimes it can take longer.

    I strongly recommend buying the book as a guide, you can get it on amazon.

    Hope this helps!



    Melissa’s advice was spot on! I just wanted to chime in to say, keep up the great work, and I’m sorry that your mum isn’t someone you feel you can trust with your problem. I had a lot of trouble opening up about this to my own mother because sex was always taboo in our house and I didn’t want her to know what was going on in that aspect of my life. Eventually I did, which was difficult, but ultimately she supported my decision to pursue treatment because she could tell how unhappy I was. I hope that even if you can’t tell your mum, you have someone (a friend, a partner, another close relative) who you could open up to emotionally, as it’s such a hard thing to go through alone. We on the forums are rooting for you!


    thanks for sharing that recessivegenequeen–
    That was brave of you to tell your mom…it can be awkward, but as you said, she saw you were unhappy and ultimately, parents want their children to be happy and successful in life. Vaginismus can really get in the way of that.


    Hi kuroshiz. First off, I think it is so, so, so good that you are dilating. The other girls as well as Melissa have really, really good tips for dilating. What helped me following my Botox procedure was dilating regularly with the 2nd to largest pink dilator for about 30 min and then moving up to the blue largest size dilator for around 30 minutes (pure romance set). I also moved the dilator in and out and side to side which helped. I also slept with the purple dilator in the set every other night and I found this to be helpful as well. Please know that you have my full support.

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