Finally taking the plunge!

[Heather34]

Hi Kim. I can relate to so many of the things you have described. Whenever I have felt discouraged about anything in the process of overcoming, my hubby and I would both remind myself of the phrase “you are now so far from where you once were.” This has helped us tremendously as does daily prayer. In the past, one Forum member, Karla, shared words of wisdom from her mom that really meant a lot to us personally.

Don’t Meditate on the Little Disappointments

“Deep hurt doesn’t just come from huge disappointments, like when we fail to get the job or promotion we really wanted. Deep emotional hurt can come from a series of minor annoyances and frustrations. That’s why we must know how to handle the small, daily disappointments and keep them in perspective.

When you focus on something continually, it’s called meditation. The little frustrations that come up every day are annoying on their own, but when they pile up, it almost seems impossible to meditate on anything else.

But instead of concentrating on your problems and getting discouraged, focus on God and meditate on His promises for you. Life might get you down, but you don’t have to stay down. God is ready, willing and able to pick you up.

When disappointment weighs on you, you can either let it press you down, or you can use it as a stepping-stone to better things. Choose to face disappointment at its onset by meditating on God’s ways. He has better things for you, and He will help you defeat disappointment.

Prayer Starter: God, like Psalm 119:15 says, I will meditate on Your Word, not the little disappointments that try to press me down. Life can be discouraging, but Your Word is so encouraging, I know I can overcome the discouragement by looking to You!”

[Dr. Pacik]

Kim-There are so many emotions going through the recovery from vaginismus. It is not an easy road and a topic that we spend time discussing during counseling. Every patient seems to lag both emotionally and physically at some time during their recovery, and this is why we discuss “bad hair days”. I never feel let down by someone’s post procedure progress. Every emotion imaginable comes into play. There is so much riding on the outcome.
I am disappointed when patients fail to communicate with me but never in the overall progress when someone struggles with advancing. It is clear that some sail through the recovery while others struggle to make every single gain. Just read the many posts from “coffee” who like some of my other patients are still struggling eight to twelve months post procedure. http://www.vaginismusmd.com/vaginismus-md-forum/?mingleforumaction=viewtopic&t=434 I have patients who finally transitioned to intercourse more than a year post procedure. Slow and steady has to be the mantra. Don’t give up. Don’t belittle yourself or feel “less than”. Don’t feel in a rush, you can’t fight your way through this; you need to go with the gradual flow of dilation. Don’t compare yourself to others. You are great just the way you are.
Keep posting, keep dilating and take your time. Do it for yourself. When you have a down day have Jason sing “Roar” once again. You will overcome!

[Kim]

A little update on me – I’m 113 days post-procedure and last night was able to insert my husband’s penis inside (well 3/4’s of it anyway). This is the most progress we’ve EVER made and our second attempt at penetration since I had the procedure in November. As long as this journey has been, every milestone we make is hugely exciting for us. There is a lingering fear that once I hit my 4 month mark post-procedure that the Botox will wear off and the spasms will come back with a vengeance. There’s also a fear that sex will never be comfortable or allow much movement, as any movement even with the dilators can be painful at times. I’m so hoping that my muscles continue to stretch and we continue to see success. This journey has truly been full of many ups and downs for us, but we’ve never given up and we’re excited for what this year holds for us in terms of our renewed intimacy with one another and a deepened trust.

I feel like we’re on the cusp of a major breakthrough and I’m more than ready for it!!

Sidenote – as we were working on transitioning last night, Jason said the thing that kept running through his mind on a continual loop was Dr. Pacik’s gentle reminders from our counseling day, “Now Jason (as he holds up the Blue Dilator and looks over the rim of his glasses), DO NOT thrust once inside Kimberly….nooo thrusting.” lol! I kid you not, Jason said that Dr. Pacik was on a loop in his mind saying, “Now Jason…no thrusting.”

[Becca]

So happy for you, Kim!! That is very exciting!

I feel like those are common fears that most of us ladies have here, so you are not alone in thinking those things. I just had my procedure last week, so this is such an encouragement for me to read! 🙂

[Dr. Pacik]

Kim, this is a first! I’m still laughing!

[Kim]

Lol! I thought that would give you a good laugh Dr. Pacik!

[Heather34]

Hi Kim. This is too funny about Jason and his loop in his mind from Dr. P. LOL!!!!

I think this is incredibly awesome about being able to insert your husband’s penis inside and is a huge milestone and very, very exciting. Huge CONGRATS to you and your hubby!!! In the beginning post-procedure, my hubby and I would always do something extra special to celebrate each success along the way. For my first successful ob/gyn exam, we celebrated with a nice dinner in Boston and so on. It was very important and special for us to celebrate each step in the process of overcoming. And, you are so right that it does bring renewed intimacy and a deepened trust with one another.

Regarding your fear of what will happen when the Botox wears off, I want to assure you that this is a very, very common fear. I noticed no issues at all and the time came and passed (4 month mark). I continued to dilate for 1 full year and, again, saw no difference once I hit the 4 month mark. I wanted to share a Blog written by Dr. Pacik about this as well: http://www.vaginismusmd.com/what-happens-when-the-botox-wears-off/

Regarding your muscles continuing to stretch, I know they will do this and I just know you will continue to see the changes in your body. Concerning becoming more comfortable with movement, I wanted to share a few posts that I hope help:

http://www.vaginismusmd.com/vaginismus-md-forum/?mingleforumaction=viewtopic&t=374
http://www.vaginismusmd.com/vaginismus-md-forum/?mingleforumaction=viewtopic&t=231
http://www.vaginismusmd.com/vaginismus-md-forum/?mingleforumaction=viewtopic&t=217

You are doing so, so well and we are all here to support you! Sending huge hugs!!!

[Kim]

177 Days Post-Procedure and we FINALLY achieved full penetration. I’m not exactly one of your quickest success stories, but alas I finally got there 😉

Today is day 183 and we’ve had full penetration intercourse 3 times this last week!!!!! As much as I want to be discouraged that it’s not exactly painless or spontaneous and feels quite mechanical, it’s still a MASSIVE milestone in our 8 year marriage! The first EVER!! I think the biggest thing that we’re discovering (and I do mean “big”) is that Jason was a bit too modest by thinking he was between a 5 and 6 dilator size. (Um yeah not so much.) So transitioning from a size 6, even after dilating for 1 hour beforehand has not been easy, because I swear Jason is more of a size 7. (*sigh* – really Lord?)

So for those of you who are taking the longer route like we have – hang in there and don’t give up. Our bodies are all different and as much as I wish I would have been one of the ones that achieved pain-free intercourse weeks after my procedure, I still am MILES from where I was 183 days ago. Since we went to see Dr. Pacik on November 11, our marriage has grown stronger, more intimate, more trusting and more open. I’ve had to lean on Jason in ways that this proud girl struggled with a lot at first. And Jason feels much more involved in the process and confident with knowing what his role is in my treatment process. I was at the end of my rope with how I was feeling mentally as a woman and as a wife – this procedure saved my marriage, my sanity and my life. I know that sounds super dramatic, but there were definitely some dark days leading up to my decision to have the procedure and I knew if I didn’t do something drastic and face my greatest fears this condition was going to take over my life completely and I didn’t want to live like that anymore.

All that to say – this is a journey I wouldn’t trade for anything and would recommend to anyone facing this struggle.

[kelseroo]

Oh, Kim, I am so happy for you! I am going through the same thing right now. Sex is definitely not “mind blowing” and is very mechanical right now, but I’m just happy we are able to do it at all! Right now we are just focusing on trying some different positions to see what is the most comfortable to me. What is it about husbands underestimating their size? My husband said that he told Dr. Pacik that he was probably the same size as number 5, but we held up different dilators to compare at home when he had an erection and he is definitely a size 6! That scared me at first, because I knew I would have to be able to dilate with #6 comfortably if we were ever going to have intercourse. But it all worked out, thankfully. I’m so happy for you and Jason and happy that your marriage has a bright future ahead! You will have to celebrate your “sexiversary” now too:-)

[Heather34]

This is awesome news Kim! Huge, huge CONGRATS!!!!

[KatieG07]

Good job!!!!!! I’m more excited for the procedure now!!!! Sex sex and more sex to come my way 😉

[Olivia]

Kim!!!
I am very late to respond to your post, I have not been on the forum in a longggg time. Congratulations!!!! I am so happy for you and Jason!!

[Kim]

Olivia!! I think of you and Nicole often! Our 1 year anniversary is just around the corner – how have you both been doing?! I would love to exchange emails and/or phone numbers and catch up on life in general. I just feel like meeting you two was such a gift and I don’t want to lose the chance to keep in touch! Hope you’re both doing well!!