Constant feeling of being broken

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  • #22841
    Hannah
    Participant

    Hi, I’m Han and I’m 17, from the UK..
    I am currently in a 2 year relationship and have not have sex as of yet. I first thought I had vaginismus when I failed to use a tampon… I went through every possible reason for why I couldn’t bring myself to use a tampon on the internet, and up came ‘vaginismus’ so I was probably around 14/15 at this time and I felt under pressure because a lot of my friends were already or starting to use tampons and I couldn’t understand why I just couldn’t do it. My mind wouldn’t let me even get close to inserting it.. so I simply stuck to pads and just thought I’d leave it and maybe I’d be able to use them when I’m a bit older.

    Fast forward a little bit to then being in a relationship with my current boyfriend, I wanted to wait until I was 16 to have sex, and wait until I knew I was ready and my boyfriend supported that. So we waited and here came the first try… nothing could happen, it was like everyone says “hitting a brick wall” I was in so much pain and worst of all my emotional pain… I heard most people’s first times were sore but this was traumatising, it just wouldn’t happen.

    We then waited a while and tried more times, still no progress – up to now still no progress. We’ve now nearly been in a relationship for 2 years and I feel guilty contestantly even though I know it’s not my fault. Everyday I have a battle with myself about why I’m not normal and it brings me to tears at the slightest thought about it. I haven’t been to the doctors yet because I’m working out what to say, but I would like to go find help very soon.

    I’m an over thinker, always have been even from a young age but the thought of vaginismus makes me feel like I’ll never be able to have sex, insert a tampon, have children or even have medical examinations.
    I’ve been to a sexual health clinic with one of my friends before and spoke to a nurse about my problem, and she said it sounded like I had vaginismus and to go back if nothing progressed… I’m just worried.

    My boyfriend is very supportive even still now, but I now constantly worry he will lose interest because of the condition and I’ll be alone because no one will want me like this. I read succes stories and they give me a lot of hope but I even worry about the dilator situation, what if I can’t use then… I’ve also confided in my Mum recently and she’s being so supportive too, and has offered to come to the doctors with me.

    I think it’s so sad that not that many people are aware of vaginismus. Please could anyone give me some advice on what I should do:( I’m always just emotional and I think about this 24/7…

    I just feel broken.

    #22846
    recessivegenequeen
    Participant

    Hi Han – I am so sorry to hear about the issues you’ve had with vaginismus. When I was a teenager I had the same problems as you with tampons and sex but had no idea what was going on – I’m glad you’ve found out so early on what is happening with you, which is the first step to doing something about it.

    I am an overthinker too, and so many of these same questions were racing around my head as well. What if I could never find anyone to love me even though I couldn’t have sex? What if I was never normal? As you begin to come to terms with vaginismus, the thing that is most important for people like you and me to keep in mind is that vaginismus won’t go away in a day. When we have a problem we desperately want to solve, it’s natural to want to make it vanish as quickly as possible, but vaginismus treatment requires gradually adjusting to being penetrated and being able to insert larger objects over time. It’s a long distance race, not a sprint, and you have to keep in mind that small gains matter and are worth celebrating and that this is the natural way of the treatment, regardless of how you do it.

    As a first step you I recommend you get a set of dilators (hopefully your mum can help with this if you need her to) and try working with them. I know the prospect of starting with the dilators is scary, but I know you’re brave because you came here and posted your story, which is a huge first step in seeking treatment. Also, even if the dilators never work for you, there are other options – I received the botox procedure from Maze, which worked wonders for me (if you’re not sure what this is, Maze has a lot of info on their website about it). There have been other recent threads on the forums of other people from the UK who have gotten botox as well, so I know it is possible. And we are also happy to help you come up with other ways to seek treatment here on the forums and are always supportive of you!

    Please know that you’re so brave for beginning to face this and that it shows your inner strength – you have a supportive network of people around you, and you can do this!

    #22847
    Sydney
    Participant

    Hey Han, my name is Syd, I’m from Canada and I’m new on this forum but I’m also 17 and in a 2 year relationship with my boyfriend. I totally get the idea of feeling broken trying to deal with all of this. My boyfriend and I tried having sex around age 15 (he’s a year older) and that feeling of hitting a brick wall was so intense that we didn’t even try again for a bit. I went to see some doctors and a gynaecologist and ended up being referred to a pelvic health physiotherapist. Despite my efforts to improve using dilators, sexual intercourse is still very painful and I feel constantly betrayed by my body. My boyfriend is very understanding and supportive, much like yours and I have the constant worry of him becoming uninterested. The best advice I can offer you from experience is to be open about the situation, communicate your feelings and never give up on yourself. Yes I still worry about not being able to ever have sex, not being able to get pregnant and not being able to wear a tampon but even just finding this forum has really helped me. It will take time and it will take effort but don’t give up on yourself and don’t stop working. If you need to support or someone to talk to I’m here for you. Remember, you are not anywhere close to broken, lots of women struggle with this. I’m sure you’re a wonderful person and vaginismus doesn’t define you. It took me a while to understand that and I know it’s hard to look at it in that light but you are not broken, you are a strong woman who can overcome this.

    #22848
    Hannah
    Participant

    Thank you for replying! Also apologies for any of my spelling mishaps in my original post… oops! Even just your reply has made me feel a little bit better! Especially because you/I can relate to the situation a lot. (My boyfriend is also a year older too haha) My goal is to go and visit my doctor within the next few weeks to kick start this journey. I hope that you’ll overcome this too and that your perseverance will be successful. Thank you Syd.

    #22849
    Hannah
    Participant

    Hi recessivegenequeen,
    Thank you so much for reading my post and taking the time to reply! Your advice is going to be so helpful, and has already made me feel a little bit at ease… It sucks being an over thinker! Thanks so much for your kind words and I’m so happy you have found help already for the condition! 🙂

    #22850
    Sydney
    Participant

    And I hope your journey will prove to be one of great discovery, joy, and growth within yourself and relationship. You are not alone!

    #22854
    Sks823
    Participant

    Han,

    I relate to your story very much – I was in the same situation as you (unable to use tampons, not feeling ready for sex, feeling SO guilty I couldn’t have sex with bf, painful attempts) but I had no idea what was wrong with me when I was your age – 4-5 years later I figured it out!

    I think it’s awesome that at 17 you have already discovered what vaginismus is, been to a doctor who said you may have it, talked to your mum about it, found this forum, and are already thinking of steps to take to seek help/overcome it 🙂 I was in my early 20s, but many other people on this forum waited until their 30s or later to take steps to overcome their vaginismus and (of course) wished they had done it earlier! Congratulations – knowing that you have vaginismus & wanting to seek help is GREAT! I agree it’s so sad that more people don’t know about vaginismus.

    It’s so easy to read success stories and think, “I’m gonna be the ONE person that this doesn’t work on, that can’t be treated” – I know I felt that way and I’m sure so many others felt the same. But the truth is that vaginismus is SOOOOOO treatable. You definitely have to get through a few mental blocks – for me, I bought dilators but couldn’t do them on my own so I eventually went to Maze clinic and they helped me use them and eventually get through all the sizes of dilators.

    I won’t say it was easy – there were some times when I wanted to give up and thought “this might just not work for me…” but like Sydney and recessivegenequeen said, “it’s a long distance race, not a sprint” – with determination and work you WILL be able to overcome vaginismus. I went at a slow & steady pace with the dilators and it worked for me, and obviously changed my life so much for the better 🙂

    I think it may be a good idea to see a women’s health center that has experience treating vaginismus and have them show you how to use the dilators. I couldn’t use them on my own the first couple appointments – like I said, I went at a slow & steady pace – but eventually with some practice I could use them on my own at home and move up in sizes. You can go with your mum if it’s helpful 🙂 and obviously you have all of our support here on the forum.

    GOOD LUCK! and keep us updated!

    #22855
    Hannah
    Participant

    @sks823

    Thank you so much for your feedback. I’m tearing up at the responses I’ve had in the few days since I posted in the forum. I kind of thought it was going to be one of those things where you’d get no reply… I can’t put into words how appreciative I am for a reply! I feel like I’m not alone now.. thanks for your kind words, my mum helped me make a normal doctors appointment tonight and I will go from there!I will most definitely keep updating! 🙂

    #22863

    Hello Hannah,

    I am so glad to hear you made an appointment. Please keep in mind that not all doctors are aware of vaginismus, so do not feel discouraged if they don’t understand right away. You should always feel respected and understood by your medical providers. Also I am so glad you were able to receive support and assurance on the forum. All of these amazing women have been where you are, and have succeeded in overcoming vaginismus and you too will be there soon.

    #22865
    recessivegenequeen
    Participant

    Hannah, really glad to hear you have a doctor’s appointment coming up! Please let us know how it all goes, and best of luck! we’re all rooting for you!

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