[veveritza82]

Hello,

I have a similar story as the ones described here. It took a while until I finally admitted that I have this problem, mostly due to shame and ignorance. Seeing that other women have the same issue is a huge relief. I am writing this hoping to get some feedback and maybe it will be useful for other women.
Inserting tampons or having sexual intercourse was never possible for me. Although I do not lack libido and had my first orgasm 13 years ago, I am still a virgin. It seems strange to me that after having several attempts to stand still during a gyn exam during the past 10 years only one of the gynecologists told me what my problem might me. Others were simply rude and impatient.
I am not sure about the causes. It is a combination of my very conservative religious upbringing (my mother told me all my life that sex is evil), the long-term relationship with my boyfriend who had an erection dysfunction for some years (I was ready for intercourse at the beginning, but soon I associated sex with frustration) and the deep discomfort I used to have with my own body.
I don’t know exactly when vaginismus became a problem, very likely me and my boyfriend reinforced the problems each of us had. Because we were two idiots, we never spoke about it and our relationship ended. He thought everything was his fault. For a while I silently believed the same and since then I have tried to have sex occasionally, but lacking a stable partner it didn’t work. It was like ‘hitting a wall’, just like other women described it. All these recent experiences made it clear to me that I too have a problem. That was very difficult to accept.
In the mean time I know that just trying to relax will not work and that I have to sort out this “technical” issue with my pelvic muscles. Although a close friend advised me long time ago to familiarize myself with my body, that part of my body was a black box for me. I had orgasm via stimulation in the pre-genital area (if that’s the name) and being very tensed helped. I guess that tensing pelvic muscle is the opposite of what should happen during penetration.
I had ordered the dilatators two years ago when my gynecologist suggested that I have a problem (he did not say the word ‘vaginismus’) but these huge plastic stuff scared me away and one month ago I threw them away – without ever using them – when my parents came to visit. (Although I did have a feeble attempt with the smallest one and it did not work).
After an unsuccessful attempt to have sex a few days ago with a very willing partner, it finally dawned on me that I have vaginismus. This made me feel sad, isolated and strange. It’s not something you can talk about with anybody in our society (not when you’re 31). Not being able to have sex does not exist in the world I live in.
Soon I decided that me and not someone else has to sort out this problem. After reading ‘Middlesex’ by Eugenides and after exploring a bit my body I suspected that maybe I have something else inside that the gynecologist did not manage to see because I was so restless. I did manged recently to insert one finger, then two fingers in my vagina and it worked out surprisingly easy. I did not feel any pleasure but also not any pain. I just did not know that that part of my body exists. I thought that my body stops where the ‘wall starts’. This is progress. I know I can get there again, but having a penis inside still seems impossible because there seems to be very little space. I have ordered a new set of dilatators, and a separate one that is designed for being kept inside while sleeping. I am not sure whether I should try the Bottox treatment, since after that you still need to do exactly what I am doing right now. I am a bit discouraged by the fact that for many women here the treatment seems to last quite a while…but then again I have waited for 10 years.
I am grateful for any feedback and advice.
Thank you for setting up this forum.

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