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Hi Sks823, thank you for your response. Your kind words are extremely encouraging to me.

The feeling of unworthiness and failure is something I’ve never quite experienced before! I don’t have the BEST self confidence in the world, I consider my confidence levels average. But this obstacle just hit me in a way that nothing has ever hit me in the past. I totally resonated with your statement about sex being something even TEENAGERS can do. I feel that way about tampons even! Why is it that since middle school my peers could be using tampons and eventually be having sex but I can barely even handle the slightest touch around my vagina?

Thankfully my husband IS starting to understand. I think me explaining to him the importance at moving at my pace did make a lot of sense to him. The thing is – I want us to have a great, healthy sex life. I want us to really enjoy intimacy, like any other couple. Until you fall in love and find the person you want to spend your life with, I think the true meaning of sex doesn’t hit you in that way! So I don’t want to rush things for the sake of just “doing it”. Whether it takes me 3 weeks or 6 months to actually achieve intercourse, I’d rather it take a bit longer and be able to really enjoy sex.

[pompon]

I’m currently in early stages of treatment myself so I don’t have all the answers. But for me, when I got to the 3rd and 4th dilator they definitely burned while inside me. After sitting for about 10 minutes it went away, and the next time I tried with those sizes it was a little less severe. Don’t give up!

[pompon]

Hi recessivegenequeen. Thanks again for your encouraging comments on my posts.

It definitely was a relief to be able to open up to my sister about my problem, a little bit. Before I got married and attempted to have intercourse, I knew from my past experiences and from what my doctor told me that I probably had a problem. I was terrified about having sex and I tried to talk to a couple close friends of mine. They didn’t really take me seriously, mainly just made fun of me and told me I’m psyching myself out. One of those friends, the extra insensitive one, made fun of me in front of my then-fiance saying that I was going to hate sex, and he was going to get frustrated with me and have to try and force me. I started to cry and he had to comfort me and tell my friend to back off.

Those few experiences made me really afraid to talk about it with anyone ever again. However, my sister is currently a student midwife and has been working as a doula for some time, taking care of women pre and post birth. She’s familiar with and comfortable discussing women’s health issues, including painful sex. She’s educated on issues like vaginismus, and to her it’s no big deal to talk about it because it happens to many women! It was reassuring to talk to her and after months of feeling alone I finally got brave enough to bring it up.

[pompon]

Coming from a person who’s in a similar boat (newly married and beginning stages of vaginismus treatment), all I can tell you is you are not alone! I relate to you so much. I’m sorry to hear that your original GYN didn’t do anything about this for you. I am ridiculously fortunate that my primary care doctor recognized I may have an issue, before I even married, and your experienced has reminded me of that.

As I am not cured yet myself, I don’t have many suggestions. I will say, I have recently started pelvic floor therapy per my primary care’s suggestion. If botox is too expensive, perhaps with your insurance physical therapy will be more affordable? With my insurance, my copay per visit is just $20.00. I understand that for many, myself included at times, even that amount per week can put a strain on finances. But it may be worth a shot to look into it.

Stay strong, and I’d love to read updates about your progress moving forward. 🙂

[pompon]

Hi Jennifer, thank you for your response. My physical therapist also mentioned couples counseling, or just that I seek counseling for myself at least. I have been to counseling before, my husband has not. Right now, I only have time for the physical therapy weekly appointments. I discontinued counseling earlier this year because I just don’t have the time in my schedule. I know a lot of people say they’re too busy for stuff like that, and it sounds like a lame excuse, but honestly I mean it when I say I’m busier than the average person. I work four days of 9-5 then have a 10-15 hour volunteering day each Friday. Moving things around to accommodate physical therapy is difficult enough! I completely own up to the fact that my life being relatively high stress definitely doesn’t help my pelvic problems or my anxiety. I do try to give myself the time allowance for self care, but getting into the counselors’ office for formal appointments during business hours has proved impossible right now.

If circumstances change moving forward, I would consider couples’ counseling to curb major relationship issues related to my vaginismus. However, I don’t think that’s something my husband would readily consent to. He’s a “typical guy” who only goes to the doctor if he HAS to and hasn’t been to the dentist in 7 years. (Perfect teeth, however. It’s not fair.) He supported me going to counseling when I did so for myself, but he’s not exactly gung-ho about the concept. I am hoping that since we have started treatment early (only a week or two into our marriage was when we got proactive) we can spend more time healing physically and emotionally than we are spending feeling a bit raw, to say the least.

I’d like to soon have the time to seek counseling for myself. Perhaps my results will motivate the husband to join me.

[pompon]

I want to follow up on this thread and thank everyone for their kind responses. It’s really helping me to hear from others and helping me get more comfortable talking about this. My husband and I are struggling emotionally but we are doing ok. I’ve had one pelvic floor therapy appointment so far, and got another one in on a cancellation next week, then I’ll have them on roughly a weekly basis. My anxiety levels are high but I’m pushing through.

I spoke with my older sister and she told me she believes, looking back on her younger years when she started having sex, she believes she had similar problems. But she basically bucked up and pushed through it unassisted, because she didn’t know it was a genuine condition that you could get help for. She said she also remembers our other sister having vestibulitis at some point. It’s likely I have vestibulitis as well, for my therapist pointed out the irritation in that area of my anatomy. Talking to her has made me feel better, I feel like I’m not crazy because maybe this just runs in my family line. Also, both of my sisters are mothers of their own biological children so if they can conceive and give birth without any treatment for painful intercourse, I think I can do it having the resources I have and knowing what I know.

I’m still struggling but this has been a small glimmer of hope.

[pompon]

Thanks for your kind response, recessivegenequeen.

I agree that he is worried about rushing things. He often says “It won’t always be like this, we have forever to have sex. It’s ok”. But it’s like he forgets sometimes. We have BOTH done a lot of research about vaginismus and painful sex in general, but I think he’s really struggling to understand the woman’s point of view. Us both being virgins before marriage, we obviously knew that sex is often painful the first couple of times for most people. And he seems to think that if I just “let it happen” ONCE, I’ll be ok. In helping me insert the dilators he says he doesn’t feel the “brick wall” thing that a lot of people relate when speaking on vaginismus. It WILL go in. (My primary care doctor said she feels that my pelvic floor muscles do tense up.) It’s mainly the rest of my body that’s the issue. My legs tense or close up, I lift my hips and try to escape. But just because it’s not only my vagina panicking in response, it doesn’t mean I can just will my body to cooperate.

I think he struggles to understand that the purpose of pelvic floor therapy is to break the cycle. If my body and mind grow to understand that penetration can be painless, my body can allow me to have intercourse. I explained to him last night, after we got into yet another argument, that unfortunately because it’s MY body, we have to go at my pace. Or, it will NEVER work. He yielded to me and said “well what do you want to do?” in reference to how we can be intimate in the mean time. I said “Well, you wanted to hold off so I guess we just won’t do anything.” He said “No, that’s not gonna work.” Slowly I think he’s starting to understand.

This is such an emotional issue and even though I suspected I would have a problem, I honestly didn’t expect this. Hardest thing I’ve ever experienced.

[pompon]

Hi Melissa. Thank you for your response.

My husband does insert the dilators for me. I experience a lot of anxiety leading up to it but he’s been very good at helping me through that. I actually have been unable to insert them all the way myself. I just can’t do it. He’s been a huge help.

I am interested in anxiety medication and I spoke to my doctor briefly about it, but I think she didn’t want to go that route at this time. Perhaps I can circle back to that soon.

[pompon]

Hi recessivegenequeen. I agree with what you said.

I think something my husband finds difficult to understand is the psychological aspect of things. He seems to struggle to truly comprehend that even tho my body is normal, and physically I am able to accomplish penetration, it isn’t just a matter of putting my anxieties out of my mind. It kills me to think of how it makes him feel that I push him away when he tries to have intercourse with me. I think a man in his position cannot truly understand what a woman in my position is going through. On the other hand His experience with anxiety I think helps him to be a bit more empathetic with me, and tho he does technically pressure me I think he’s doing it with good intentions. He said verbatim “I’ll wait five years if we have to.”

We’ve both waited 20-something years to have sex with our future partner, and like you said, we have the rest of our lives to have intercourse. I think I have to take a step back and put all of this into perspective. The feelings of inadequacy are difficult and I have an intense fear of him resenting me or me scarring him for the future of our sexual relationship. I worry deeply that this will drag on for some time and he will lose interest or give up on me. Hopefully last nights episode has given us both some perspective and we can take this lightheartedly moving forward.

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