[mroberts307]

Hi plantmama-

Welcome to the forum! I too was terrified of dilators at first. I ordered a set and they say unused for over 6 months. Occasionally I would open up the box and look at them, freak out, and put them away. I saw multiple gynecologists, was never able to endure an internal exam, and meanwhile my relationship with my husband was suffering. I finally went to pelvic floor PT and this was a game changer for me. If there is someone in your area that specializes in this, I would definitely go in and see them. For me it is almost like a combination of physical therapy and talk therapy. My PT is phenomenal- I went in on day one with NO intention of taking my clothes off. I didn’t know what to expect but I was not getting into that gown, no how no way. I just wanted to find out what she thought she could do to help me. In 30 minutes she made me feel so comfortable and NORMAL that when she asked if she could try just doing an external exam, I felt like that was something I could handle. She did a test to see if I could endure light touch to the vaginal lips, and when that went okay she suggested we try just setting the tip of the dilator there to get used to the idea. She put just a very light amount of pressure on the dilator, showed me where my tight muscles were causing problems, and talked me through some breathing exercises. After a few minutes I said “it feels like it kind of went in a little bit!” She chuckled and a second later I said “Wait, did it go in a bit?” She was just smiling and then I said “How far did it go??” and she said “Oh it’s all the way in there!” I started BAWLING- in 1 hour this woman had broken past a wall I had not been able to get past in 29 years. And I had NO pain. A tiny bit of discomfort but nothing un-managable. Granted, this dilator was tiny- thinner and shorter than a middle finger, but ti was SOMETHING. I will be honest, without her I probably would have never done this on my own. We’ve made more progress since then and even though we are currently a bit stuck with progress, I am still so grateful for finding her and taking that step. If this is at all a possibility for you to see a pelvic PT, I would highly recommend it. We’ve been able to narrow my issue down to the muscles at the vaginal entrance and a high sensitivity level of the vulva lips, and knowing this has completely changed how we work. You can do this! You’ve got a whole forum of women here rooting for you. And one tip- when you try the dilators for the first time– use a LOT of lube, trust me 🙂

[mroberts307]

Thanks Melissa. I ordered the Pure Romance dilator set last night after researching a bunch of options. Someone from Maze called me this afternoon and left a message so I am going to get in touch with them for more information/cost on the Botox option. I am located in Vermont.

[mroberts307]

Hi Everyone-

Today I had my first annual exam at the gynecologist. She was only able to get about an inch of her finger inside me before I had to ask her to stop, crying. I am 29, and have been married for 3 years and with my husband for 10. We’ve never been able to have penetrative sex. But this step today for me was huge- my primary care doctor has been suggesting I go to sex therapy for 4 years, and I keep putting it off. To me, sex therapy sounded like something you needed if you were a sex addict, not for someone in my situation. My doctor had even called in a referral for me but when the place called to make an appointment I asked if there was a list of doctors I could choose from, to find one I felt comfortable with, and she said there was only one doctor that was right for me. When I asked why her response was “Well, to be frank, she’s very patient.” I have never felt so judged before or since. I told her I wasn’t ready to schedule and hung up the phone. And then waited 3 more years before doing something- 3 years in which my relationship with my husband has suffered and so has my self confidence. 3 more years without even the possibility of kids that we both want. 3 more years of annual doctor visits where I have to tell my primary that nothing has changed, and see the look of pity on her face.

This fall I was reading a book and one particular passage struck me very hard…it perfectly summed up feelings I’ve had about why I am like I am and how your personality starts from childhood. The passage had nothing to do with sex but it was that reading that made me decide it was finally time to go to therapy. A few days later I was with two close friends and I confided what I’d been going through to one of them (the other already knew). I told them how alone I felt, and that I was pretty sure I was the only one in the world going through this. I had googled things like “afraid to have sex” but never found results that related to the problem I was having. Within minutes my friend who works in the social work field had found the term “Vaginismus”, a blog with someone’s story that was so like mine it had me sobbing as I sat there reading, and a link that led me to this forum. She showed me PsychologyToday.com and said I could go on there to find the right therapist for me. It took awhile for me to be ready, but finally in January I reached out to a therapist that I found on my own. She isn’t a sex therapist, and most of the topics we discussed had nothing to do with sex or my relationship, but instead childhood, my relationship with my parents, anxiety, and the overall theme of control kept coming up. After 4 weekly sessions with her I finally told my husband I’d been going to therapy. I told him what Vaginismus is, that I thought I had it, and I even provided him a printed out article for the spouses of those with vaginismus about things he could do the help support me. I told him the next step is to go to a gynecologist and have them to do an exam to see if there is anything physically blocking the opening. If not, I would need to move forward with treatment via vaginal dilators and over time hope that I can work up to a normal sex life. Our conversation could not possibly have gone worse. He took offense to the article on how to support me and said he thought he’d been pretty supportive over the last 10 years (by not pushing to have sex, or leaving). The conversation ended with me feeling anything but supported, and sobbing myself to sleep on the couch. When I went to my first gyno appointment (which I was clear was just an appointment to talk about my situation and NO exam was to be done) I came home with the info that I either had a physical blockage that needed to be removed via surgery, or Vaginismus which needed to be worked through step by step. His overall attitude has been ‘Ok, sounds fairly straightforward, you just have to take the steps’, which of course doesn’t factor in the huge emotional toll this takes on me. It’s been lonely and hard and I’ve basically ignored the situation for the last 3 months since that first appointment while I worked up to being ready to go in for the gyno exam today.

Today, I’m hoping this can be the step forward I need to work past this Vaginismus. I’m researching dilators and trying to decide which ones to buy. I’m looking up sex therapists and trying to find out how that will fit in to the overall treatment plan. I’m finally posting here instead of just silently lurking, all in hopes that it is finally time to get my body and my brain on the same path to recovery.

If you’re still reading thanks for sticking with my long story. I look forward to connecting with you all on here now that I know I am not going through this alone! Hugs!

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