[Hansen09]

I am now 25 Weeks pregnant and things have started to get better up until this point. I have tried my best to focus on this baby (healthy boy). I found a doctor who has heard of this before. She didn’t even try to do an exam when I went for my first appointment and put all of my worries at ease. Recently, I had some contractions and some lower pelvic pain so they are doing tests now. Its still way too early to have him so they will be doing an ultrasound to check my cervical length. From what I researched myself it needs to be done transvaginal and the last time this was attempted it was not successful. Its so hard to deal with the looks and even the comments from professionals that I need to just understand me. I had to give a q-tip sample to test for a certain hormones that the baby releases before delivery…just to see if he is trying to come early. I did my best to focus on a picture in the room and go to different place in my mind but it was still painful. I want so badly to be a “normal” pregnant woman but it is so hard to overcome this. I cried and felt like passing out after just doing that when my doctor asked me if she could do a finger exam to check on things. The room felt hot, my vision was spotty, and my hearing was even starting to go. I knew I would pass out so I refused the exam. I feel guilty that I can’t even do what is needed for my baby. My doctor is trying to be understanding but at the same time I don’t feel like her or anyone else I have seen in the past ever “really” understands. I’m scared to have this baby but ultimately I know my body will do what it needs to, modern medicine will come to my rescue, or a c-section will help me through this. My husband has been so supportive and I don’t know how I would do this without him. He stands up for me when I am scared and too afraid to open up about all of this. Thank you for all the replies. I hope that everything goes smoothly and be able to have a story to tell about how I got through all of this.

[Hansen09]

I came back to this forum after not being active in any treatment for some time now. A lot has happened since I had posted this. After losing my job and my husband losing his as well….I have been at a loss. We are now living with my mother in law and getting any treatment seems impossible. Thankfully, I now have a job and so does my husband. I even have insurance now on my own and have my first doctors appointment set in 2 weeks. I have printed out information about the procedure and will be taking it with me. During the time I have avoided treatment I purchased the pure romance dialators and have still not used them. Time with my husband has helped as I believe we were able to break my hymen. Afterward, I cried and for the first time told my husband some things from my past that has effected my fears in having sex. It was a huge step but, I feel that the pain from that made my fears worse. I have felt pressure from my family to have kids and living with my mother in law has made this more difficult on me. I became so tired of the questions and continuous asking of if anything has happened yet that I lied to the people that I was open about this with. I told them it was no longer a “problem” and it only backfired. Now I am asked all the time if Im pregnant yet. My husband has lost hope and has decided that he is fine with never having sex with me if I cant do it. I am not okay with it and I am done being in a battle with myself. I hope that I have no more road blocks and will be able to continue on this road to be free from this madness. My first hurdle is going to a doctor (which I havent done since the last time I posted about going to the doctor). Wish me luck!

[Hansen09]

I know what you mean! I feel your frustration! I find that putting my frustrations on here make it easier for me. I instantly have replies of people who feel the exact same way. Only problem is that I have no money for this procedure and no one can really fix that. It honestly makes me mad that money is the only thing keeping me from fixing it. I don’t know where you live or how old you are but, if you are in the US and under the age of 26 (I think) you can get insurance through your parents(if that even helps). That is what I am having to do. Next step is to save up, get a loan, or ask the people close to you for the rest of the cost. After reading so many other peoples stories and seeing what some other women have had to go through…I felt that this was my best and only option to be free from Vaginismus. Just the thought of going to sleep and waking up with already overcoming one of my worst fears…priceless. Being able to have sex with my husband and children one day is worth every cent to me. It may take some time to get the money but….honestly I see no other option for myself. I hope others give you good advice so that you can have a little comfort in knowing that you are not the only one who feels this way. Who knows, maybe you might meet someone on here (maybe me) and end up having the same procedure date so that you can do a road trip up there together to save costs! There are so many possibilities! My best advice that I can personally give is to just keep flushing the negative thoughts away and keep telling yourself that with perseverance you can and WILL overcome this (that’s what I do)! Anyways, I hope that gives you some encouragement and that you will keep up the good fight 🙂

[Hansen09]

Thank you for all of your help! My parents are being much more supportive than I ever thought they would! Even my father is being very supportive! I can’t tell you how much it means to me to have support from all of you. Thank you for your advice because it really did work!

[Hansen09]

Hello everyone,

I wasn’t sure how much I should put on here for just introducing myself but here it goes. I am 23 and have been married for almost 3 years with this condition. I grew up in a family who didn’t talk about sex or even dating for that matter. I was uneducated about these things and was taken advantage of because of it. I have been told that I can’t have sex because I don’t have a close enough relationship with God or that its all in my head. I am sick and tired of everyone telling me to RELAX!

I knew I was afraid before I got married an expressed my concern to my close friend at church. She suggested getting something exciting to wear for confidence and some alcohol. She even went to the B&B and decorated it with candles and roses for us. However, my wedding night was spent passed out on the bed with an empty bottle of Arbor Mist. Weeks went by and then months. Frustration between my husband and I was tense. We had no idea what was wrong and blamed ourselves and each other at the same time. Over time its just something we both got used to. I do have a very supportive husband and I have no idea what I would do if he wasn’t. We got counseling from friends at church and even from my parents who had a similar problem when they got married. Talk about AWKWARD!

I have had a lot of bad luck in my first years of being married on top of dealing with a sexless marriage. So, as a result I am on my parents insurance due to our financial situation. My parents live in another state than I do and their insurance only covers me where they live. I have been battling this for several years and my parents are supportive in helping me get the treatment I need. They flew me to visit them and I was able to set up an appointment to see a gynecologist for the first time. It was the worst experience I had ever had with any doctor. She was rude and very discouraging. She said she was surprised that my husband was still with me after having this for so long. She was demeaning when she couldn’t use any tools on me, even after going and finding a tool they use on babies. I cried and shook uncontrollably on the table begging her to just “do it” so that I wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore. She didn’t want to make things worse for me and refused to push me anymore than I could handle. She continued to repeat over and over again to relax. After an unsuccessful exam, she told me all I could do to fix it was physical therapy and have an exam done under anesthesia.

After returning home I started doing research, again. I found the book ” When Sex Seems Impossible.” I cried and then cried some more. It was the first time I ever felt like someone else knew what it felt like. The first time I had hope that there was a possibility to be normal.

Before I take over the post with my whole life story, I will leave this as my “brief” introduction about me and my fight against Vaginismus. I hope to find some encouragement here and maybe one day have a successful story. Until then I am just moving forward and looking forward to the day that this is all over.

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