[Eggplant]

Hi Sheertje,

Firstly I’m so sorry that you’ve had to experience all of this. Are you still in a relationship with this person?

He is putting pressure on you which is exactly the opposite of what you need to heal. He’s also misunderstanding your arousal response like you say – you can mentally want to have sex with someone but because you associate sex with pain your body might not be in sync with your mind yet.

I’m guessing from what you’ve written that your therapist has asked you to have massage sessions without touching erogenous zones so that you’ll build up libido and trust/enjoyment in physical touch? I tried to do this with my ex and he was coorporative to start with but then seemed to not want to do it because it seemed ‘forced’ and ‘scheduled’ which apparently didn’t appeal to him (lol!) – but he also complained that he didn’t like having not a sex life. It’s like some men seem to think they can have something without putting the work in or something.
I’m with a new partner now who is completely amazing – I was really up front about my diagnosis (I think actually text him website about it after maybe our third date?) and he completely gets that sometimes I have to stop because things aren’t right, and not having that pressure means I’ve been able to pretty much have almost ‘normal’ penetrative sex, which to me seemed impossible once.

Are you using the trainers/dilators? I was skeptical at first but they are a game changer. I’m concerned though that in your other post you say you’re experiencing cracking of the skin – has your therapist advised you to slow down or stop any of your therapy? I wonder if things are going to fast or forced?

You will get through this! And if not in this relationship – there are men out there who are supportive and patient, and willing to talk about things. (Maybe you should dump him!!!) Communication is such a massive help.

I’d recommend this book: ‘Come as you are’ by Emily Nagoski – I’ve just started reading it and it’s great!

[Eggplant]

Hi Flowerchild!

Firstly I’m really really glad you’ve found out about this, cos there is hope 🙂

I relate very much to a lot of the things in your post, especially the feelings of jealousy towards past partners, and feeling insecure in the relationship, even after years. I’ve since done a program with the NHS through a psychosexual mental health clinic where we went through a trainer programme (my clinician didn’t want to call them ‘dilators’ as felt this wasn’t an accurate description of what they do) and it has all improved so much – it takes time and can be really frustrating/boring but if you put the hours in it should pay off.
The other thing that I’ve really been digesting these last few years is that penetrative sex is not the only form of sex, and sex being concluded with everyone having an orgasm is also not necessary the hallmark of what sex is. Talking about sex together is massively scary but once you start talking about it really helps. It will help as you will need to work together on this; it’s really scary having those conversations, but totally worth it. He’s going to have to understand what you’re going through, and work with it.

The trainer (or dilator) process is a good thing to work through because it’s helping your body to realise that it doesn’t need to react the way it is doing. Before I did this my GP prescribed me some topical anestheric cream stuff and that was a load of balls as it wasn’t tackling the bigger issue which was my anxiety about sex and my bodys subconscious reactions.

As for talking about sex with other girl friends – I started talking about my vaginismus fairly openly at the point where I was completely fed up with it and found out that at least three people I knew – who I’d assumed were all having mindblowing sex all over the place – had experienced it in some form and one had had therapy for it. I even years later mentioned it to my sister and she said ‘oh yes I had that once’. So in a way I’m glad I’ve talked about it to people that haven’t had it, as they’ll now know what to recommend to anyone the come across who’s struggling too, rather than thinking it’s rare.

Sending you some love!

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