NEW MEMBER: 3 year relationship, Virgin & have vaginismus from London,UK

Home Forums Vaginismus Support Group Vaginismus General NEW MEMBER: 3 year relationship, Virgin & have vaginismus from London,UK

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  • #26595
    Flowerchild
    Participant

    Hey,

    This is my first time writing about my condition which has been haunting me almost my whole life and I’ve been watching my relationship with my partner fall apart. Having vaginismus has played a huge part in my depression and most definitely made it worse.

    I recently discovered vaginismus via Twitter and when I went to do my research on it, I literally broke down in heavy tears about it for weeks because I was so relieved that I wasn’t crazy about struggling with sexual penetration and it was actually a condition that so many women have – I never thought anyone would ever relate. I only realised my sexual issues once I got into my relationship as it’s my first serious one, what hurts the most is that I feel like such a burden to my partner especially because before me he was sexually active and I’ve now stripped it off him. This has affected me really bad to a point where I became very jealous of females he knew or used to date, my trust in him lowered because I always think he’d go and have sex with other women, I’ve become even more angry about the littlest things, I’d always assume the worst when he’s not around – I’ve even prepared myself just in case he decides to leave me because of my sexual issues. I breakdown in tears when I see couples with kids or kids in general because I just think I will never be able to have any, I get awkward when females freely speak of sex as it’s something I cannot relate to but wish I could, I hate watching movies with sex scenes especially when with my boyfriend…I’m tired of continuously promising myself that it’d happen one day.

    I’ve been procrastinating about dealing with this condition because of fear but I’ve really reached a point where I genuinely want to have sex want not for my partner or my relationship but for me and the sake of my sanity. I know the day I’m finally able to have sex, a massive weight will be lifted off of my shoulders and I will be less depressed; way more happier. My partner is someone I love and care about dearly so having genuine sex with him will mean everything to me.

    I found about this platform on YouTube and I’d look to get help but I’m based in the U.K., I really want to do the Botox procedure or something similar but I don’t know if it’s done over here and if so, who can I be directed to? If I were to fly over to you guys will I be eligible to get it done? Please help me.

    #26596

    Hi Flowerchild,

    First of all, welcome to our forum. We are a community of caring individuals who either have had vaginismus, know someone who has, or are clinicians working in this space. You are very much NOT alone, and we are here to help. We understand both the physical and psychological aspects of this condition and the good news is – this condition is VERY treatable! It usually starts by introducing a series of vaginal dilators, that progressively increase in size. This is an art, as well as a science and can be challenging if there is lot of anxiety around penetration. Have you ever done dilation? Used a tampon? Able to have a speculum exam? If the answer to all the above is NO, then you may be a good candidate for our Botox procedure. We would highly encourage you give us a call for a phone consult, so we can decide together if Botox is right for you.

    Be proud that you are seeking help. This is a sign of strength (not weakness) and its the first step to beating your condition.

    Jackie Giannelli, FNP

    #26597
    Sanzk94
    Participant

    Hi Flowerchild,

    I second what Jackie said, you are not alone! Finding this forum was the best thing I did and it’s helped me reach so many milestones already. The Maze program looks amazing and it’s well worth having a conversation with a specialist however I’m from the UK and wasn’t aware of any treatment here along with not being able to afford to take leave from work and fly out.
    Through others on this forum I heard about the Gynae centre and booked a consultation and Botox treatment plus hymenectomy with Dr Eskander. I then had a follow up consultation with my dilators and couldn’t believe the difference however it did take a lot of tears and build up on my behalf! Now I can comfortably insert size 4 dilator with fingers being no trouble at all.
    I would like to add that the follow up support that Maze provides seems amazing I was sort of left to do my thing once the treatment was over and will be looking in to seeking physical therapy to help that much further.
    Good luck with your journey! As Jackie said be proud that you are seeking help, working through this can be a rollercoaster and we are all here to support you through both the highs and lows.

    #26655
    recessivegenequeen
    Participant

    Hello Flowerchild! Thanks so much for opening up to us and sharing your story – I know it resonates with so many here who have gone through the same thing. I have definitely felt the way you are feeling – I first discovered I had vaginismus when I was 21 and sobbed when I read about it – I couldn’t believe I finally had a name for the affliction that had made my romantic relationships so hard and had brought me such shame, guilt, anger, and sadness. I didn’t get treated until I was newly 25, at the ultimatum of my partner at the time. If he hadn’t given me a push, I probably would have procrastinated for year, and maybe forever. It’s a very natural way to feel when tackling it feels so scary, but the strength of conviction you feel right now about wanting to have sex for YOURSELF rather than for a partner might be your gut telling you you’re ready.

    I second the advice given above, and add that there are actually MANY people on the forums from London who have wondered the same things as you – I recommend reading this thread for more about what’s available in the UK and how payment is handled:

    Know that whatever you decide to do and whenever you decide to start, we will be here to support you. We’ve seen it all and you are not alone in this! Remember that this is not a problem that has to be with you your whole life and you deserve to be happy and unafraid!

    #26665
    mmHelen Leff, LCSW
    Moderator

    Hi!
    I echo all the previous posts. Flowerchild, (love the name!) I applaud you wanting to overcome vaginismus and I want to add that sex is sex and that penetrative sex is one way of having sex. Yes it is important to be able to have intercourse but we encourage non intercourse sex as well. How do you feel about that? Sexual intimacy takes many forms and until you are ready for Penis in vagina sex you can still have sex and pleasure with a partner and with yourself.

    #26719
    S T
    Participant

    Has anyone had the Botox AFTER dilation?

    I was diagnosed with primary Vaginismus and have been dilating on/off for years now. I’m in an off/On relationship with someone who is not small… and no matter how many times I felt I was ready for painless sex after dilation, it seems that I’m not, and find sex really painful and uncomfortable. I wonder if Botox will help me have painless sex…

    #26739
    Eggplant
    Participant

    Hi Flowerchild!

    Firstly I’m really really glad you’ve found out about this, cos there is hope 🙂

    I relate very much to a lot of the things in your post, especially the feelings of jealousy towards past partners, and feeling insecure in the relationship, even after years. I’ve since done a program with the NHS through a psychosexual mental health clinic where we went through a trainer programme (my clinician didn’t want to call them ‘dilators’ as felt this wasn’t an accurate description of what they do) and it has all improved so much – it takes time and can be really frustrating/boring but if you put the hours in it should pay off.
    The other thing that I’ve really been digesting these last few years is that penetrative sex is not the only form of sex, and sex being concluded with everyone having an orgasm is also not necessary the hallmark of what sex is. Talking about sex together is massively scary but once you start talking about it really helps. It will help as you will need to work together on this; it’s really scary having those conversations, but totally worth it. He’s going to have to understand what you’re going through, and work with it.

    The trainer (or dilator) process is a good thing to work through because it’s helping your body to realise that it doesn’t need to react the way it is doing. Before I did this my GP prescribed me some topical anestheric cream stuff and that was a load of balls as it wasn’t tackling the bigger issue which was my anxiety about sex and my bodys subconscious reactions.

    As for talking about sex with other girl friends – I started talking about my vaginismus fairly openly at the point where I was completely fed up with it and found out that at least three people I knew – who I’d assumed were all having mindblowing sex all over the place – had experienced it in some form and one had had therapy for it. I even years later mentioned it to my sister and she said ‘oh yes I had that once’. So in a way I’m glad I’ve talked about it to people that haven’t had it, as they’ll now know what to recommend to anyone the come across who’s struggling too, rather than thinking it’s rare.

    Sending you some love!

    #26793
    recessivegenequeen
    Participant

    S T – botox can still help even if you’ve been dilating already. It can help you get larger dilators in (especially handy if your partner is large) and also makes inserting things easier because it’s stopping the muscles in your vagina from going into spasm. It might be worth looking into if you are still wanting to make more progress in dilating!

    #26824

    Hi Flowerchild,
    I second what others have said about sex being so much more than just penis in vagina. Here at Maze, we talk about intercourse being just one item on the sexual ‘menu’ so to speak. That doesn’t mean that you can’t work towards having pain-free intercourse; it just means that you don’t need to shut down sexually in the process.

    And I absolutely love that Eggplant opened up and started talking about her experience with vaginismus. The more we bring our concerns out into the light, the more support we can receive and the less power they have over us. This is very true for vaginismus. Many women think that they’re all alone in dealing with it, but as Eggplant saw in her life, and as you’re seeing by the posts on this forum, that is far from the truth.

    Keep reaching out and letting us know how you’re doing!

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