[CherryBlossomGirl]

Hi Heather34. Thank you for your story, advice and support. Following the recommendation of Nicole and Melissa, I have made contact with a therapist – and already had an initial session with her. She thinks that maybe I don’t have true vaginismus (and I think she may be right, as I can have intercourse, it’s not comfortable but it happens). She thinks I may have it to a degree but I may have a phobia. I’m working with her and have my second session in a couple of weeks, so will see where things go from there. Until then…

[CherryBlossomGirl]

Thank you Nicole and Melissa. I’m going to take a look at the success stories on here as I haven’t explored the forums much as yet. I’m also looking into seeking a therapist near me, which will hopefully help. I hope to have some positive news next time I post. Many thanks, CherryBlossomGirl

[CherryBlossomGirl]

Hi there. I’ve just signed up to this forum, hoping to find some inspiration and support from what I can see most people agree is one of the loneliest conditions in the world. I’m 36 and live in the UK. I’ve been with my boyfriend (S, from hereon in) for just over ten years. He is the first and only man I have had penetrative sex with, and is very supportive of my condition. Prior to this I had one serious boyfriend for a year, but we never had penetrative sex. My mum also knows about it and my GP. BUT even though S and I have intercourse, I still have vaginismus and it is affecting my life and where I see my life going. I find sex painful 90% of the time, unless I have had a few drinks to relax, and we always have to use lubricant. I’m terrified of having my cervical smears (I actually passed out having the first one) and dread getting the letters every three years – it’s so traumatic, I’m so anxious about them and I have a habit of replaying the past ones in my head, which is not helpful. I don’t even know where my vaginismus originated (I haven’t been abused or assaulted). I grew up with just my mum (my parents divorced when I was very young), who was quite reserved about anything to do with sex. She never gave me the ‘birds and the bees’ talk and when I started my period (just before I turned 11), she hadn’t even talked to me about that – so for me, it was something to keep a secret and a bit of a ‘curse’, so I guess I have various issues surrounding that, to a point where menstruation is almost viewed as shameful. I’ve probably used three tampons in my life – all relatively unsuccessfully – in other words, I have felt them inside me, so know I have inserted them wrongly. I’ve had to have two colposcopies for bleeding after sex (which turned out to be a cervical ectropion on both accounts). They were unbelievably traumatic and painful and I was not cared for sensitively by the doctors on both occasions – very few of them seem to know or acknowledge what vaginismus is. The nurses were kind, but I remember one particularly nasty (female) doctor almost shouting and getting angry with me and saying things like ‘what’s the matter with you, were you raped?’ I know now that I should have complained about her behaviour, but I was just so upset at the time, that all I wanted to do was get out of the hospital. All of that sets you back each time, it is so demoralising. I spent the best part of £500 earlier this year on one-to-one hypnotherapy sessions in a bid to help me relax more and talk more openly about things. The sessions have helped somewhat but I still struggle – not only because of the vaginismus but I generally am and always have been a very anxious person. I have sought out two courses of CBT for anxiety and panic attacks I have been having for the past five years or so (mainly at work), so there are lots of overlaps in my life. Every day feels like a battle. A few months ago, having read about them, I decided to purchase a set of dilators on Amazon. They arrived ages ago and I think I have used them maybe three or four times. I just can’t bring myself to use them, the thought of doing so makes me feel sick – I can’t even get my own finger inside me as I don’t like the way it feels. I’m now at the point of thinking about where my relationship is going to go with S as we are going through a really tough time (with work, future, life in general). I know he would like a family but the thought absolutely terrifies me. I can’t imagine having to push a baby out of myself, it is horrifying to me. And where are all the good birth stories anyway? All you hear are the dreadful ones. Because of my anxiety wrapped up in all of this I then get caught up in thoughts of, ‘well even if I did have a baby, I’d make a terrible mother as I’m so anxious about everything all the time’ or ‘well, I’m 36, I bet I’ve hardly got any eggs left anyway, what’s the point?’, etc etc. I realise that I may be at a different stage to some of the other women on here, but I would like to hear from anyone who can offer support and advice on how to move forward with this. This isn’t something I feel I can talk to friends about at all. I had one conversation with a friend, who had never heard of it. Another friend, we got as far as my fear of pregnancy/childbirth and then she is just about to start her first round of IVF with her husband, so my problems seemed not as important. I guess the main thing is to keep going with the dilators, until I become more comfortable, but I’d be grateful for any advice/support – or direction to other forums on here where I may find peace of mind. Many thanks in advance, CherryBlossomGirl

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