Upset And Angry

Find support and treatment options from participants and Maze Women’s Health staff.

Home Forums Vaginismus Support Group Vaginismus General Upset And Angry

Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
  • Author
  • #9382

    I have been feeling so emotional lately. I go from sobbing and having panic attacks to feeling so angry I want to punch something. I am 39 days post procedure and I feel like I may never fully overcome this. I go from it taking only 14 min to insert #5, to not being able to even insert #3. Then the next day I may get up to #4 but have a panic attack and have to stop due to involuntary spasms deep inside making it impossible. And they all hurt, no matter what size I’m attempting. Everyone around me expects me to be all giggly and optimistic because I could never insert anything before, and now at least I can do that. But all the optimism is getting on my nerves. When I’m dilating, my body gets all twitchy with anxiety and I can’t control it. I struggle with my legs closing on their own and not being able to open them without everything clenching up and causing me pain. I get so angry knowing that a lot of women find themselves completely cured within a week of the procedure. Or even 2 or 3 weeks after. I’m afraid that after 3 or 4 months I still won’t be any further than I am now and the botox will wear off and leave me hopeless again. I have regressed 3 times now and have had to work myself back up to where I was at day 3! It’s so frustrating. I am just so tired of battling my depression, anxiety, and mood swings. I’m just tired. I guess I’m just wondering if other women out there have struggled with these feelings and setbacks. If anyone has battled the involuntary spasms deep inside that cause so much pain and are so strong they push the dilators all the way back out.


    My friend…. I have never met you, yet… my heart goes out to you, and I FEEL the things you are feeling right now, so deeply. I just want to come to you from a side of HOPE…. I was where you are, right there, almost exactly a year ago this month 🙂 It was a dark time, you’re right it IS exciting and encouraging that progress was made for you, and you could get anything in at all, but still… in the back of your mind you are thinking… “But I want to be all the way. I want this to be over. I want to just be normal.” That’s what I was thinking…. You are doing EVERYTHING you can right now my friend, you’re going to make it, I know because I MADE IT, it took a while for me… to be realistic, it took me about 8 months to have full intercourse 🙂 But let me tell you, I sure wanted to quit I wanted to give up, and I didn’t want to dilate anymore, I wondered, what’s the use… its probably worn off by now anyways. But it was ALL working towards the perfect time. And it will be that way for you too, I promise. Don’t be afraid that it will wear off… if you keep being faithful in small steps every day, it WILL pay off. I know it was REALLY difficult for me to make myself dilate when I was discouraged. But I tried to make it part of my routine, just like brushing my teeth or washing my face, I usually did it in the morning, or as I was going to bed at night, I would lay in bed and watch a fun show or something, eat a bowl of ice cream 🙂 Even if it’s #3 for 5 minutes! That’s ok! just relax and know you are DOING it, little by little…. that’s my suggestion for you, just make it part of your routine. Don’t judge yourself or compare to other women that it came faster and easier for…. these are NOT setbacks, they are just part of your journey. You’ve come SO FAR already!! You’ve put so much into this… I have FULL faith in you <3 I will be praying for you, and sending good thoughts <3 xoxo


    Thank you so much for your kind words. Reading your reply brought tears to my eyes. I feel such comfort knowing I’m not alone in this. Even though I’ve never met any of the wonderful ladies on this forum, I feel as though we are all family. Seeing each other through all our struggles. Thank you for the prayers and I will send some your way as well!


    You are more than welcome 🙂 Keep us posted on how it’s going 🙂 Remember, rejoice in whatEVER steps you make going forward, you are going to get there soon…. I sure felt like giving up, but looking back I had no idea how close I was 🙂 You’ve got this girl! <3


    I’m 23 years….and counting. (Question Mark?) Why do I say this? I spent 23 years with the Big V and went to Dr Pacik in June 2014. Botox treatments complete. I’m cured right?
    Wrong? Yes. Botox– was it the answer? Yes!
    Cured magically? No.

    Have I been able to use dilators without pain? Yup! Intercourse without pain? Yes.
    But cured? What is our definition of that word?

    Life came along, stress came full force, dilation backed off, sex was less…… BAM! The wall came back.
    But……. BUT? But dilation, practice, repeat….

    Does a body builder go to a gym and build muscles in a day? No.
    Does a weight watchers dieter lose their weight overnight? Nope!

    What do they do? Change their lifestyle. Practice. Exercise. Rinse. Repeat.

    Well, hopefully you get the picture. (Smile)

    Having the Big V sucks. No doubt about it. It’s frustrating as heck to not “just be normal”.
    Changing a lifestyle is hard. Anything we do in life that’s worth anything? It’s a journey, hard work, and absolutely worth it!

    Can a person that’s overweight take a magic pill? The commercials want you to believe it. But they can’t.
    Can a person that wants to build muscle do so by going to the gym once a week? Nope. They’d love to!!

    But some people can lose weight quicker than others. Some people are genetically coded to have or build muscle quicker than others. But that doesn’t mean that the rest can’t be as good or better! It just might take a different set of circumstances.

    So….. My point: can anyone just get Botox and dilate and get to a point of having pain free intercourse– in three days, two weeks or even a month? Not everyone will get there in exactly the same ways. Setbacks are inevitable and no one sits in anyone else’s bedroom so no one knows REALLY what is going on there do they?

    YOU have come SO far. YOU have the power to overcome. YOU have control over your body. YOU can do this and YOU will do this in your own time in your own way. But DON’T YOU beat yourself up. Be kind to yourself. Know that YOU can take time to get there. It’s not a race. You are entitled to get frustrated. Slam your fist into a pillow, yell at the world. Scream at the top of your lungs if you have to….. But ….

    Then, hold your head up high, take a moment, you are stronger than you think. Start from where you can, take baby steps, two step forwards, one step back, three steps forward, one step back…. Doesn’t matter. It’s no one else’s journey. It’s YOURS. And I believe and have faith with training, will power, resolve, you will get there.

    I’m sending positive thoughts in your direction.

    Remember, us Women? We ROCK!!!


    Hi Katy. I know that we haven’t met and are just communicating via the Forum for the first time, but I want you to sincerely know that I am here for you and you have my support 100%. I found so many frustrations post-procedure and was very, very emotional. I found 2 excellent posts that I wanted to share with you that I hope help so much. Again, please, please know that I am here for you.
    Mabel 1226: I think the best way to think about this is this: the muscles in our vaginal walls have never really been stretched before. I keep telling myself I wouldn’t expect my body to be able to run a marathon if it had been in a wheelchair for 20 years. I, too, felt “guilty” for starting back at the purple before going up again. I am now 54 days post-procedure and still can’t get the blue glass in unless the pink glass has been in for 2 hours. One step at a time. You’ll get there in your own time and in your own way. Don’t get discouraged!
    Arose: Set backs are really frustrating, I know! But if you’re going two steps forwards one step back, you’re still moving in the right direction and will eventually get there. I remember Ellen saying that with dilation sometimes we have great days, sometimes bad days, and usually ok days. At one stage I had to get the baby blue one out (which we don’t even use at Dr P’s surgery) because I couldn’t even get the purple one in, but now I don’t even use the purple and go straight to the pink (and I’m working with the no7 too!). Perseverence and positivity is the key with this, and you are not alone in what you’re experiencing – keep going!

    Quote from Katy on September 11, 2015, 22:29
    Thank you so much for your kind words. Reading your reply brought tears to my eyes. I feel such comfort knowing I’m not alone in this. Even though I’ve never met any of the wonderful ladies on this forum, I feel as though we are all family. Seeing each other through all our struggles. Thank you for the prayers and I will send some your way as well!

    Hi Katy. I wanted to reach out and see how you are doing? Please, please know that we are all here to support you. Sending you big hugs today!


    I am not doing well. For weeks now, my progress has done nothing but go downhill. I used to be awesome at #4 and able to attempt #5. Now, if I can get #3 in at all, it takes an hour straight and hurts like I’m being stabbed. Some days I’ll push through all the horrible pain for over an hour and still not get anything in. It has gotten harder and harder and I have been crying myself to sleep almost every night. I honestly feel like I’m failing. I don’t want to put myself through this torture anymore, because the pain I feel while dilating feels like torture. I’m so close to giving up.


    Hi Katy. I am so, so sorry for your struggles. I wish so much that I could take this pain and frustration that you are experiencing away. I want you to sincerely know that I am here for you 100%.

Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.