Transition impossible for me!
January 14, 2021 at 10:04 am #38599GeminiParticipant
Hello, hope all of you are doing well.
I am 32 years old and have been struggling with vaginismus for the past 4 years. I got married around 4 years back. I never had sex before marriage and so i never got to know that i have this problem. Only after my marriage, i got to know that my muscles get tensed up and i am not able to take anything inside. The initial time was very hard, and i couldnt understand what was wrong with my body. I developed severe depression because of this in the last few years. I have lost the confidence in myself and I feel completely useless.
I tried to do some research and met some doctors and got to know that i have this problem. I live in a country where we dont have pelvic floor specialists. So I ordered dilators online two years back, and started using them. It took me long to progress from one to another. Anyway i have now reached till 5 (the 6th one is going with some difficulty). However i am still not able to make the transition to sex.
I have seen couple of your posts and you recommend using one size bigger than my partner’s size. And i am following this. The problem that i think i still have is that i am not able to open up my legs wide enough and relax my muscles and i still have the fear. Also, i dont use dilator before sex, which seems to be another reason. Its mainly because my husband gets turned off if i do it right before.
I really look forward to any suggestions and recommendations that would make my condition better! Sorry for the long post!
Thanks and regardsJanuary 15, 2021 at 9:58 am #38647recessivegenequeenParticipant
Hi Gemini! First of all, you should feel proud of yourself for posting on the forums and seeking treatment – I had vaginismus for about 10 years and am very familiar with the feelings of shame and depression you’ve described. You’ve made amazing progress and are well on your way to being able to have pain-free intercourse.
Speaking as someone who’s gotten past my vaginismus, it’s REALLY important to dilate right before you try to have sex. You won’t need to do this your whole life – as you get increasingly able to relax over time you’ll likely be able to insert him without preparation, but while you’re still getting used to things penetrating you, it’s necessary to warm up your muscles by dilating before trying to transition to a penis. This doesn’t HAVE to happen while your husband is in the room necessarily, but I do think something that can help the transition as well is having your partner insert a dilator (of a smaller size that you’re comfortable/confident in working with) to get you used to the feeling of having something penetrate you that you aren’t fully controlling. There are a few things that make transitioning to intercourse difficult and the other partner’s involvement is one of them, so that could help. It also sounds like you still have some degree of anxiety around being penetrated by a partner since you mention struggling to relax, which is why having your partner involved with a dilator you already know how to insert yourself can be helpful so you can learn to relax more when you aren’t fully in control.
But even if your partner isn’t directly involved in helping you dilate, you should at least be dilating with the largest size you’re comfortable with a few minutes before you try to attempt intercourse so your muscles are stretched and warmed up and you’re also feeling confident in being penetrated. I definitely get that dilation isn’t “sexy” for anyone involved, but maybe it will help your partner to understand that this part of the process probably won’t always be this way and you’re working together to reach a new level of intimacy.
I hope this helps! Let us know how it goes and what works for you!January 16, 2021 at 4:30 pm #38695GeminiParticipant
Many thanks for your suggestions and kind words! Your post gave me hope and motivation! Will definitely follow it and let you know how it goes for me.
GeminiJanuary 25, 2021 at 3:39 pm #39075Helen Leff, LCSWModerator
Hi Gemini, Congratulations on how far you have come and I agree with the suggestions made by recessivegenequeen. When a couple has been dealing with vaginismus for some time, a lot of feelings may come up. Transitioning to intercourse may also bring up some pent up emotions that your “patient partner” wouldn’t allow himself to feel. Now that you are at the end of the tunnel and have a glimpse of the light there may be some feelings emerging. It can be helpful to talk with your partner and to allow for both of you to have your feelings and be attuned to the other person’s as well. Perhaps on a practical level have him just insert his penis and remove it and let that be a win! Taking small steps toward having the complete intercourse experience may be helpful and build trust that it won’t be painful….
Let us know how things are going.
All the best,
HelenFebruary 11, 2021 at 7:08 pm #39599recessivegenequeenParticipant
Hi Gemini – just wanted to say I hope everything is going well with you still! Let us know if there’s anything we can help with here!
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