Struggling with Sexual Frustration

[altair]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been in a relationship with someone who has been suffering from vaginismus almost all her life. We’ve been together for more than 6 months. She told me about her condition the first time we tried to have sex. Since then, I tried reading about the condition and borrowed a book she had with her to educate myself. She suffered from depression earlier this year and has been going through a lot so I tried to avoid the topic of vaginismus for quite a while. This has led to me being very frustrated sexually. She doesn’t have much interest in oral sex either.

She told me its okay to find a prostitute or have a one night stand because she can’t give me what she wants. She hasn’t really taken the first step yet because she is scared. I told her that I won’t cheat on her because it is against my morals. I’m finding it hard to motivate her. She only feels that this is a problem when my sexual frustration builds to the point that I can’t hide it anymore. Sometimes it comes out in the form of anger, sometimes in guilt, rejection or helplessness.

I feel that every time I bring up this topic that I’m being a burden. I love her too much so when I talk about it or when my sexual frustration comes out, I feel very disgusted. I’ve also had thoughts about having sex with other women but my love for her always stops me. Recently she told me that she will start reading the book again and taking steps for it. She has been feeling better now because of good things happening in her life.

My fear is that I will not be able to motivate her enough to go through therapy. She feels it to be a big burden which she finds hard to share with me. Please let me know what I can do and how I can be there for her. I love her either ways and would like her to know that :/

[recessivegenequeen]

Altair, I’m sorry to hear about your frustration – if you spend much time looking around these forums, you’ll see that a lot of men who love women with vaginismus have similar issues of feeling frustrated and powerless.

As someone who’s suffered from vaginismus, I know how emotionally devastating it can be to feel abnormal and disappointing to your partner. But that isn’t a reason to stay scared forever, and if you’re in a position where you feel like you have no options, then something needs to change.

In my opinion, you have a few options. One is to consider opening your relationship and having another sexual partner, but you’ve said you’re not interested in that. Another is to build a sexual life with your partner involving some of the fun sexy stuff that can be done without penetration (which would probably involve some degree of compromise for both of you but which could also help your partner build confidence. Another option is to tell your partner that your needs aren’t being met and that you need to work together to find a solution for you to be able to stay in the relationship. This is something you can do in a way that isn’t threatening or accusatory while still stating your truth. I think it’s important to remember that even though you love this woman, you are also entitled to having your own needs and being able to communicate them so you can find ways to have them met.

At the end of the day, your partner has to WANT to find a solution to her problem – you can’t make her and you can’t make her want it if she doesn’t. You can support her and cheer her on and assist her with the treatments as they come. She’ll need those things as she proceeds down this path. But don’t forget that you get to choose whether or not to be part of it and that you get to express your own needs too.

[Sks823]

altair,

Your story is suuuuuuper familiar and I understand your frustration.

This is such a tough situation for both of you, and I wholeheartedly understand how you feel. I am so glad she knows she has vaginismus and is agreeing to read the book again and potentially take steps to overcome her vaginismus.

I think “vaginismus” sounds much scarier than it actually is, and I hope she knows that; her having vaginismus is *not* a bad thing (at first I thought it meant something was super wrong with me and I wasn’t ever going to be normal)! Vaginismus is COMPLETELY treatable! Maybe you can help her understand this so she feels less ashamed/lonely/reluctant to start treatment.

Using dilators (which you can read about HERE), whether by herself, with your help, or if she is able to go to her doctor or a women’s clinic that does dilation therapy, could ‘stretch’ her muscles to get them used to larger and larger dilators which could then help lessen her fear of sexual experiences with your penis. Which would then lead to a more normal sex life :). Maybe you could ask her what she thinks about dilators and see if she would be open to trying them on her own. There are also other options besides dilators that many people have had success with.

I know you can be supportive, loving, and patient. It is also important for your girlfriend, if she does want to eventually be able to have comfortable sex, to take steps to do so. I would tell her that you think it is important and fair for her to take some action (even if small steps at first) to overcome vaginismus and her fear of penetration that comes with it. Not for just your benefit, but for both yours and hers. Small steps to overcome vaginismus could be in the form of: reading the book, buying a dilator set, making an appointment with a doctor/women’s health clinic or specialist, or even starting out by looking through this forum to read all of the success stories to give her the confidence that she *WILL* be able to overcome this.

Vaginismus can be a lonely and shameful thing until you realize there are many others going through the same thing, and even more who have overcome it. Has she seen this forum? Many people who can’t get a tampon in (me) were able to overcome vaginismus with the use of dilators (I went to Maze women’s clinic because I couldn’t do dilators on my own at first). I think the use of dilators to get her muscles used to the feeling of something larger inside her could be incredibly beneficial.

I hope this makes sense – definitely let me know if you have any questions or concerns good luck and we are all here for you and your girlfriend.