Struggling to Transition!

[HES246]

So I’ve been with my husband for 10 years (got married last year). When we first got together we tried to have sex but it didn’t work because of vaginismus. I just clammed up! Over time we just stopped trying as it was too stressful and causing a strain on our relationship. Both of us were fine with this.

Fast forward to this year and we have now decided we’d like to try for a baby! Trouble is how to start.

Last year i bought a dilator set and have worked up to the largest size pain free now. My husband doesn’t know as I wanted to surprise him!

The problem is as neither of us has been sexual with each other for so long, starting seems like such a big step and neither of us know how to initiate things!

Can anyone help? We both love each other and are perfectly happy even though we haven’t had sex yet, but we kind of need to in order to conceive!

I think I’m partially scared about it still not working, even though I can fit the largest dilator in pain free. I’m worried I’ve developed a fear of it.

[Jennifer Dembo, LMSW]

First of all, HES246, congratulations on your dilation progress! It’s very hard to accomplish this on your own, so kudos to you!

It’s natural that you’re unsure of next steps, but the good news is: you and your husband CAN reconnect. It may take some time and patience, some trial and error. But if you’re both committed to the process and to one another, you will get there.

I suggest taking things slowly. Begin by remembering (or exploring) how YOU derive pleasure. Then, get reacquainted with one another. Focus on physical closeness that isn’t sexual first (ie. cuddling, hugging, kissing, hand holding, etc.). Build on that by learning what kind of touch you each enjoy. Take it slowly in order to remove any pressure either of you may be experiencing. As your intimacy increases, so will your knowledge about each other. Take things at your own pace.

If you need more suggestions and you are in the NY metro area, consider making an appointment with us at Maze. We’ll get to know you personally, gain a better understanding of you and your relationship, and will customize a plan of action that works for you, your husband and helps you to achieve your objectives.

I wish you all the best as you go forward!

[recessivegenequeen]

HES246, congrats on all the progress with the dilators you’ve made so far, as well as your decision to have a baby! These are big things worth celebrating.

Jennifer’s suggestions are on point, and you’re smart to recognize that your connection is something that will be rebuilt over time. To her list of excellent places to start, I would also add that a good interim step can be to have your partner use the dilators on you – since you’re familiar with the dilators and know they’ll fit, that can give you confidence while also adjusting to giving up some control of the situation, which is part of what can make the transition to sex trickier!

I’d also prepare yourself for there to be a lot of emotions throughout this process, especially since it will come as a surprise to your partner that you’ve been dilating! There will be surprises along the way, but you’ve done so much of the hard work already and can get through what remains, especially since you have such a big and important goal to work towards! Good luck and let us know how it goes!